Newbie: My Story LONG

[Guest guest]

My Story

I was born in 1967, and my parents divorced when I was 8 or 9. We

moved to our summer house on Cape Cod, and I grew up in a small

town. My mother was very controlling (still is, LOL!) and critical

of me. I went through puberty at age 11 (I looked like I was 18 when

I was 12), so middle school was a nightmare for me.

When I was 18, I met my now ex-husband in the summer of 1986. I got

pregnant pretty quickly, and we were married in November, 1986, a

week after I turned 19. I had my first son when I was 19 ½. My

husband was 6 years older than me, and he liked to party hard. It

turns out that he came from a family of alcoholic drug abusers (I no

experience with such a thing in my life before him), and he was an

emotionally abusive alcoholic himself. We moved 60 miles away from

where we grew up. Sometime after we were married, he hit me one

night when he was drunk. As he didn't recall it happening, then to

him, that means it never happened. A couple of times he wet the bed,

he was so drunk he couldn't get up to use the bathroom. He blamed it

on our baby, who slept with us.

In 1990, we bought a house, and things sort of improved. I was

healthy, our son was healthy, and we were busy getting settled into

our new place. Hubby still boozed it up, and the only " friends " we

had were his drinking buddies. The friends that I made didn't seem

comfortable around my house (hubby was a bit bombastic, in a Ralph

Kramden sort of way), so I basically just had a few close friends 60

miles away in my hometown.

Around 1994, I started with a hobby that I found that I adored:

genealogy. It got me out of the house, and I was wicked good at it.

Also around that time, my mom was having a problem with her boyfriend-

- he was a lowlife, and my brother and I were upset that she was

allowing him to do illegal activities in her house. I started

getting B-vitamin deficiencies, and I was not taking care of myself,

to be honest. I was living on coffee, Pepsi, and cigarettes.

In 1995, we decided to have another baby, and our second son was born

in 1996. From the beginning, he was a handful and a challenge… he

never slept, and when he did it was for just 20 minutes at a time.

The only naps he took were in the car seat, so I never really got any

rest. After son #2 was born, hubby's drinking escalated, and he

seemed to be more verbally abusive. Of course, at the time, I didn't

think of it as verbal abuse, just hubby acting like a twit, and if I

could keep the kids out of his hair, then he'd be fine. Ha!!

I had been a stay-at-home-mom, and I enjoyed that immensely. In the

summer of 1996, I started working with my Aunt on Cape Cod, cleaning

summer rentals on the weekends. It kept me super-busy (like I wasn't

overspread already!?), and brought in some extra money. Took the

kids with me every weekend (traveling with a tiny baby and a 9 y/o in

summer traffic from April to October from 1996-1999), and hubby went

drag racing when I was working on the weekends. I also worked with

hubby in our business, and had a home-based business of my own. To

hubby, I wasn't " contributing " to the household; only HE

was " working " .

Son #2 was still not sleeping, and would be up each night until after

10, sometimes until 11 p.m. As he didn't sleep during the day, I

could not get anything done unless someone watched him, or until

after he went to bed. Sometimes I was up until 3 a.m., doing

laundry, and trying to unwind with Internet surfing and genealogy-

related online activities. Hubby was asleep every night by 8, 9 at

the latest. To try to get my son to take a nap, I would lie down

with him, and *I* would fall asleep! Of course my IL's said I

was " neglectful " and " lenient " .

We were having problems with hubby's family… them accusing me of

being a slacker, and not contributing to the family. LOL During

this time (1999), I quit smoking (hubby said smoking was a strain on

the family budget, but he still bought a case or 2 of imported beer

every week), and I was experiencing strange episodes of fatigue, and

episodes of just feeling like I was coming out of my skin-- like a

raging mania. I was always very healthy as a kid-- just chickenpox

and 1 or 2 ear infections. Now, I was flat on my back for no reason,

it seemed. I just pushed onward… Since quitting smoking, I'd put on

30 lbs., so I embarked on a mission to get healthier and lose the

weight. I began doing aerobics 3-5 times a week, and did not lose

any weight. Strange. In 2000, I was feeling a bit tired, so I told

my Aunt that I was retiring from summer traffic wrangling and

cleaning. That summer, I had mono, which put me out of commission

for most of the summer. By fall, I was given the go ahead by my doc

to start exercising again, so I started my program again. By

September, I was flat on my back for a couple of weeks. I went to

the doctor for a follow up, as I was so tired. He examined me, and

told me my thyroid seemed enlarged, and ran thyroid panels.

Everything came back in the normal range, and I began looking online

for answers. I was told about Hashimoto's antibodies, so I asked doc

to test for that. He did, and nothing. I was in the picture of

health, according to him.

I had visited a couple of thyroid support groups online during this

time, and the posters urged me to find a new doctor. All during the

winter of 2000-2001, I experienced bouts of exhaustion and saw an

endocrinologist, as I was still wondering about the thyroid

possibility. The endo said I wasn't hypothyroid, and sent me on my

way. I found a new PCP, and he ran some new tests, and said I was

depressed and had CFS; his cure for this was antidepressants. I felt

like I was being dismissed, so I got another doc, who told me the

same thing. The people on the thyroid board told me my symptoms

sounded like adrenal fatigue, and suggested I have my DO test me for

that. When I went to my DO and asked him about adrenal testing, he

openly laughed at me and told me I was a hypochondriac. During 2000-

2001, I'd also experienced some weird tingling in my face-- my lower

cheeks felt like they were being zapped. Dr. Wonderful told me

that " The Zoloft literature says you can have tingling. I can write

you a scrip for that. " When I said no thanks, he said, " Call me back

when you want the scrip " .

The thyroid board people urged me to see a naturopath, so in June

2001, I went to an ND. I never mentioned the adrenal possibility,

but she suggested it. She ran an ASI, and sure enough, I was in

Stage 3 adrenal fatigue. WOW! I sent the results to the DO, who

basically told me " people like you want to have something wrong with

them because they are depressed. You don`t have bronze skin, so your

adrenals are fine " , and he was dismissive and disrespectful. The ND

put me on licorice and 5 mg. of DHEA. She told me I would be fine,

and sent me on my way. By September, I was flat on my back,

exhausted again. The ND never told me about the " mechanics " of the

condition; I thought I could still do 1000 things a day, and expect

to get better. Ding-dong, you're wrong!

Right before September 11th, I found the Clymer website, and ordered

Dr Poesnecker's book. Reading it was like reading the story of the

last few years of my life! I consulted him, and he put me on

Seriphos, Pregnenolone, a glandular supplement, and adrenal cortex

extract.. After several months, I began to see improvement! I had

more energy, and understood the hows and whys of the condition. I

thought I had my life back!

On the home front, hubby was still drinking-- he would go from

accusing me of malingering to not understanding, to blaming me for

his problems. The kids were not well-behaved, and it had been hard

on them to see their mom so sick. In addition, hubby would come home

after having a few beers, and tell the kids, " don't have kids, they

are a burden " . He'd fly into rages over son #2 using too much

ketchup, making a mess, or just being a kid. Nothing made him happy.

In 2002, my ND married, closed her practice, and moved out of state.

I had to find a new ND, so I interviewed a guy in a city about 30

miles from me. The guy struck me as kind of fishy… he was a DC/ND,

and told me I had " crush injuries " . He wanted to sell me all sorts

of fancy pills and seemed kind of smarmy, so I called my mom's best

friend, whose hubby happens to be a chiro in the town next to Dr

Smarmy. Ursie (mom's friend) told me to never go back to that doc,

and that her hubby wanted to see me ASAP. examined me,

took X-rays, and diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. He found a fracture

in my lower back, which had twisted my pelvis, and the vertebrae in

my spine were all out of alignment. I never mentioned the cheek-

zapping pain to , but after my first adjustment, the pain was

lessened by 90%. I mentioned it to him at my next appointment, and

he gave me a book to read about trigger points and FMS. I found that

I had trigger points in my platysma (neck) muscle, and the pain was

referred to my cheeks! I'd endured that pain for almost 3 years, and

had been told it was all in my head by the DO. It lifted my spirits

to see that it WAS a physiological problem, and NOT in my head!

Also, one of the vertebra was pinching the adrenal nerve, so after

that was adjusted, I felt so much better.

Son #2 was having trouble in school, and we've since learned that he

has ADHD. Oh, and the not-sleeping thing? That was obstructive

sleep apnea. His adenoids were so huge that they blocked his

windpipe when he slept. In 2005, he had his adenoids out, and his

loud snoring stopped. He still stayed up until all hours of the

night, though.

In 2003, older son got his learner's permit, and told me, " Now I can

drive dad home from Uncle Al's (drinking buddy) when he's too drunk

to drive. Yikes. That was a knife right through my heart, so I

called my MD (I'd fired the DO, and found a great MD), and she

suggested a family discussion with older son and hubby. Did that,

and the result was hubby saying that he thought he'd " cut down " , and

sort of laughed off our concerns. I stared therapy for myself, and

that was a great help. I got my sons into therapy as well, and

that's when we began exploring ADHD treatment options. We went the

natural route with my ND, but that didn't help much at all.

In the meantime, hubby decided to expand our business (without

bothering to get my input), and committed us to a 100K business

expansion… This business was to be " my baby " (like I didn't have

enough to keep me busy?), so I ended up doing all the research for it-

- laws, software, etc. I did the invoicing; he deposited the checks,

and I wasn't allowed to see the books.

In 2004, hubby finally agreed to go to therapy. I thought we were

FINALLY on the road to a better life! Wrong again. Somehow I found

out that hubby had told his counselor that he drank because of " the

kids " . I had called a divorce lawyer, but just to ask questions.

Somehow, I got hubby to agree to marriage counseling, or I was going

to file for divorce. We went to a counselor, but that didn't help.

When the counselor told hubby that she felt the main issue was his

drinking, he ridiculed the therapy, and refused to go back.

I'd been working at an ice cream shop near my home, and by the fall

of 2004, I collapsed again. This time I was in Stage 7 adrenal

fatigue. WHAT!?!? I was stunned. I HADN'T been overdoing it

physically that year-- in fact, I'd accidentally severed the tendon

in my toe, and was laid up for most of the summer. All the stress on

my was in fact emotional, and I was a mess. By early 2005, I decided

that hubby was probably the main reason I was sick, and that he was

toxic to me. I moved out of our bedroom, and called the divorce

lawyer. Somehow, hubby knew that I was " planning something " , and he

moved out in May 2005. Even the cat was happy to see he was gone! LOL

My health was in the dumper, my house was a wreck-- hubby was a

mechanic, not a carpenter, and his " house repairs " were a joke. I

later found out that my house had black mold in it. More joy!

After going to a wedding in October 2005 in my childhood hometown, I

decided that I wanted to be back near my family-- hubby had isolated

us 60 miles away. So I planned to fix up the house, sell it, and

move back to the Cape. The house went on the market in November

2006.

After hubby moved out, he lawyered up and decided not to pay me any

child support. He paid the mortgage, but that was it. I was too

sick to work, but I had to go out an get a job to feed my sons. By

summer 2006, I was exhausted again. And in Stage 7 again, down from a

Stage 4 earlier in that year. Over that winter, I slowly regained

some strength. My divorce was final in November (on what would have

been our 20th anniversary, ha ha!) , and I looked forward to selling

the house and being back among my family, friends, and support

network.

During this time, son #2 was shuttling back and forth between hubby's

place and mine. He was acting out, setting fires, and going into

rages, threatening to kill himself if hubby and I didn't get back

together. Hubby wasn't giving him his meds, and was allowing our

unmedicated ADHD son with NO impulse control to drive a car! With

the help of son's counselor, I got DSS (Department of Social

Services) involved, and they got us in touch with a group of social

workers who worked intensively with the entire family. The SW's

could see IMMEDIATELY that hubby was a drinker; that he used the kids

to gang up on me and manipulate me. They also saw my son when he

came home from his father's place unmedicated, and in their

professional opinion thought son should be on meds 7 days a week.

The SW's were such a help, and my son is doing much better.

In April 2006, hubby decided (after the SW's knew he let son drive!!)

that he wanted custody of son. They were stunned! Hubby accused me

of neglecting and abusing our kids, so the court appointed a GAL

(Guardian Ad Litem) to oversee the investigation. Like I said, the

SW's couldn't believe it, and they told me, " you don't think he'll

actually WIN, do you? " So, I went about gathering evidence: reports

from son's counselor; the DSS report from son's pediatrician, who

also knew about the driving; the three SW's reports; the report from

my counselor; interviews with me, hubby and sons by the GAL; and the

GAL's own opinion. The GAL found that hubby was the inconsistent

parent, and ought to seek professional help for his drinking problem

and " the impact it has had on his family. " The final opinion that

was our son should remain with me, and if I moved, that my son should

remain with me also. Well, when the report came in from the GAL,

hubby thought that I had " fooled all the people involved " , and that

everyone had " stabbed him in the back " . DUH.

Later that year, I decided to try my son on melatonin, as suggested

by the child psychiatrist we had consulted. It worked! For the

first time in my son's 9 years, he told me, " mom I'm tired, I think

I'll go to bed. " He gets up in the morning fresh and relaxed, and

his MOOD has improved 100 fold.

In April 2007, hubby decided he wanted my car (driven by me for 10

years, but in HIS name), so he took the plates off and left me

without a vehicle. My divorce lawyer turned out to be an idiot, and

told me to rent a car. It cost me over 4K, and I never got my car

back. To make a long story longer, I soon found out that my lawyer

had cost me over 100K in errors. She'd undervalued our business

property, missed a 50K line of credit that hubby had sneaked into the

household debt (it was used entirely on the business, which HE got)…

Then, Ursie was diagnosed with leukemia, and asked me to work

for him. I agreed, and managed to get back and forth with the rental

and using one of my son's cars. Soon, though, I was exhausted

again. I'd tried to get my lawyer to reopen the settlement, which

she refused to do: " It's only 50K " , she told me. LOL Only 50K.

She told me that she never knew about the 50K, but then backtracked

and said she never got the documentation from hubby's lawyer, and

settled for oral explanations. She never got all the proof!! So, I

ended up with ALL the marital debt (including ALL the business debt

too!!), and hubby got our 3 businesses. To top it off, when I asked

the divorce lawyer for a statement of services, she told me that she

would charge me a flat fee of 25K, " for if I itemized it, it would be

double that. " DOUBLE. My hubby and I were NOT wealthy.

The summer of 2007 was spent working like a dog; trying to get the

divorce lawyer to admit she screwed up; trying to get another lawyer

to take my legal malpractice case against the divorce lawyer; getting

deeper in debt; having to deal with a psycho ex-hubby & his whacko

girlfriend & her kids; son who was acting up again because he was

spending more time with his father; trying to sell my house; and

moving to get my son started in school in September.

The upshot is that my house finally sold last October; son is doing

better, although it is like living with a toddler still; I have some

money to live off of while I try to get my health back; and I am

divorced from that… person. I've found great alterative

practitioners, and my energy worker does something called BodyTalk;

acupuncture; chiropractic, of course; massage… The energy worker and

the acupuncturist both say my problems are adrenal. Alica, the

energy worker, does a body scan with the BodyTalk, and adrenal comes

up all the time, never thyroid. But since all the systems wok

together, who knows.

I have a decent primary MD, but she sort of takes the adrenal fatigue

as most MDs do-- she doesn't openly reject it, but she's not 100%

with it either. For court, I had to find an MD who treated AF… found

a great one in Newton, MA, and she treats AF. I will see her in

Tuesday, and ask her if she can put me on Hydrocortisone.

I've begun counseling to deal with the issues relating to my mom, and

from living in such an abusive relationship. However, the counseling

has been SO hard-- I'm flat on my back again, and I know I'm in Stage

7 yet again. Now I'm starting to have problems with wheat, corn,

oats, dairy… it's such a nightmare, and I feel like I will never be

well again.

I'm currently taking Pregnenolone, DHEA, an adrenal glandular,

Vitamin E with selenium, B-5, magnesium, and the ACE. It feels like

it is not nearly enough. Having been in and out of Stages 4-7 for

nearly 4 years, this is the worst I've felt…ever.

Sorry to be so long-winded!! My new friend here, Helen Trimble, said

to write my story, so that's what I did. There's tons of abusive

stuff that I didn't go into, but you get the idea. I'm feeling so

broken and hopeless; sometimes the only thing keeping me from ending

it all is knowing that my son would have to live with his father, and

that would be horrible for him. That, and him and his brother not

having me around as a foil for their nutty father. I'm so thankful

for clicking on Helen's YouTube video-- I think she's my guardian

angel now, or something'. I spoke with her for quite a while last

night, and she's given me a bit of hope that things might be ok.

Donna