Re: Feeling really upset...

November 30, 2005

I called my friend earlier today. I wish I could say that it went

well, but it didn't...

Without going into too much detail, She told me that she is the bride

and what she says goes, No shawls during the cerimony, thats final...

She then told me that they would still like me to be in the wedding if

I want, but that was up to me and she wants to know my decision by

tomorrow, because she is going out of town. She is treating me like I

am the most selfish, self centered person alive, because she can't

understand why I am horrified by the thought of showing off my

wobbley, stretch marked arms... I know she and her aunt are both mad

at me for making waves. I will probably loose some friends over this

and it makes me hate myself for being fat more than ever... I have

found myself standing infront of the open fridge, between crying jags

all day. Thank goodness there isn't much in there to eat. I caught

myself nibbling at a little piece of cheesecake tho' at one point, and

grabbed a piece of dark chocolate instead... I know I could have

really done some eating damage to myself if I hadn't had so much

support from you guys here on this board. Thank you soo much everyone...

Dar

November 30, 2005

You won't loose the friend -- you didn't have one in the first place.

Powerful but right! I would never do that to a friend of mine. If she was

uncomfortable I would let her wear the shawl.

November 30, 2005

In a message dated 11/30/2005 10:01:43 AM Eastern Standard Time,

darlavris@... writes:

Do you think I am wrong for feeling this way? Should I just suck it up

and feel motified and humiliated during the wedding?

Dar -

I don't think anyone is ever wrong for how they feel but I do think people

need to step back for a minute when faced with these things. I always stress

about what I wear - I think it comes from formerly being the fattest girl in the

room. However, nobody is looking at you with as much detail as you. It may

be out of your comfort level to not have sleeves for the ten minute ceremony

but I don't think it should level on mortification and humiliation.

To put it another way, although I've lost nearly 100 pounds (92 today!) I

still feel I got too much junk in the trunk and won't wear pants that aren't

black. One of my girlfriends, who has a real big has-it's-own-zip-code rump,

came

over one day wearing bright pink pants and I mentioned how cute she looked

and that the outfit was so different than anything I'd seen her in. She

replied, " I know I have a fat ass and I have one in black pants too. So f---

it,

it's in and I wanted to buy something trendy. "

Decide how much the friendship is worth to you before you bail out. If you

told your friend (don't listen to the other bridesmaid about not saying

anything) how upset you are, perhaps she'll make an exception for you (I did for

one

of my bridesmaids). If not, decide if the arms during the short ceremony are

really going to change anyone's thoughts about you. Chances are, they'll be

looking at the bride than poking fun of someone's bat wings.

Although we tend to focus on our negatives, a lot of people notice things

like how great our hairlooks rather than pick apart a figure flaw - and we all

have them.

Take a deep breath and get a real friend to tell you if it's a humiliating

outfit or if you're just being sensitive about a sensitive part. Either way,

you are entitled to your feelings and your choice.

P.S. Even if the grandma doesn't make one, Lord and has awesome

shawls and I'm sure you could find one for after the ceremony or while milling

around.

December 1, 2005

Sorry it went so badly. That is just wrong of her. To demand you

do something which you're uncomfortable with is just wrong! I know

a lot of people who are bigger who can pull off that look, but I

also know a lot of people who are skinny who would be just as

embarrassed. So, although you're linking it to your size and weight,

it's really not the issue. The issue is comfort level and modesty.

I have never worn a strapless dress to a wedding, and the brides

I've dealt with always made sure we were okay with the dresses.

They wouldn't have pulled the immature, selfish power play your

friend is. I refused to stand up in my sister's second wedding (for

other reasons) and she got over it. If your friend is really a

friend, she'll calm down after the wedding (maybe it'll take awhile)

and come to see your perspective. She may not agree with it or

totally understand it, but she should respect your decision and your

personal feelings. You need to draw the line here. You need to

respect yourself enough not to do something that would humiliate

you.

Or, you could bring your own shawl in a purse and slip it on while

you're walking down the aisle. You could even have it sewn to the

dress, so she can't rip it off.

ie

December 1, 2005

For what it's worth, from a man's perspective....

Don't go.

You won't loose the friend -- you didn't have one in the first place.

Chuck

Darla wrote:

> I called my friend earlier today. I wish I could say that it went

> well, but it didn't...

> Without going into too much detail, She told me that she is the bride

> and what she says goes, No shawls during the cerimony, thats final...

> She then told me that they would still like me to be in the wedding if

> I want, but that was up to me and she wants to know my decision by

> tomorrow, because she is going out of town. She is treating me like I

> am the most selfish, self centered person alive, because she can't

> understand why I am horrified by the thought of showing off my

> wobbley, stretch marked arms... I know she and her aunt are both mad

> at me for making waves. I will probably loose some friends over this

> and it makes me hate myself for being fat more than ever... I have

> found myself standing infront of the open fridge, between crying jags

> all day. Thank goodness there isn't much in there to eat. I caught

> myself nibbling at a little piece of cheesecake tho' at one point, and

> grabbed a piece of dark chocolate instead... I know I could have

> really done some eating damage to myself if I hadn't had so much

> support from you guys here on this board. Thank you soo much everyone...

> Dar

>

> Please send your recipes for inclusion in the Files to the Moderator at:

> South-Beach-Diet-Getting-It-Right-owner

>

> Reminder: The South Beach Diet is not low-carb. Nor is it low-fat. The South

Beach Diet teaches you to rely on the right carbs and the right fats-the good

ones - and enables you to live quite happily without the bad carbs and bad fats.

>

> For more on this Way Of Eating please read " The South Beach Diet " by Arthur

Agatston, MD. ISBN 1-57954-814-8

>

December 1, 2005

I must be a man too, 'cause that's how I feel about it.

Suzy-Q

Re: Re: Feeling really upset...