Long letter from Eve Crandall

[Guest guest]

Ok. Here I am. Done 3 weeks at Homewood now. Was home last weekend, but

the kids were at the big Regional ringette tournament in a town 30 minutes

away, and I didn't see much of the inside of my house except when sleeping,

but my eyes were closed then. Never got near the computer. I lost my voice

by Sunday night from all the hollering and yelling at the 9 games we watched

over 2 days. & 's teams never made the finals, but Sam's team

went all the way to gold. It was pretty exciting. She's never played goal

so well in her life ... just plucking the ring out of midair on the shots

taken on her a lot of the time and being in the right place most of the rest

of the time. They even had one shutout. It was exhausting, but kind of

neat.

Well, about Homewood. The first week there was awful. Apparently it is not

atypical to regress into severe depression, what with the change in scenery

plus the fact that there are 50 people in the program at any given time.

Spent a lot of time crying and having major ultra deluxe panic attacks. I

think the nurses were getting sick of reassuring me, even tho they reassured

me that they didn't mind, it was what they're there for. I perked up

finally as I settled in and got used to the place. It's pretty big, but

I've learned my way around just fine. The grounds are beautiful and things

are pretty comfortable there.

The first week was assessment and orientation etc. and it blurred by. The

second week some of the " classes " began plus some more orientation type

stuff. This past week everything has been serious classes. We finished up

the Self Esteem class yesterday - frankly, I think that should run through

the whole 8 weeks as that seems to be most of our biggest problems. They

focus a lot on relaxation and stress reduction, increasing positive leisure

time and a balanced lifestyle (yeah, tell that to my kids), and there's one

more Stress & Anxiety class. Began the Communication and Relationships

class (ie how to be assertive and set boundaries versus being

passive-aggressive and basically being a doormat etc.)

Still to come are Anger Management, Grief & Loss and a whole bunch of other

things I can't possibly remember without my schedule. They have

Horticultural therapy classes (not my cup of tea) , they have gym time with

various activities set up such as volleyball and badminton, crafts classes,

required warmups and daily walks at 8 a.m. and far too much food in the

dining room. I thought I was being really careful, but I've gained about 3

pounds already. Some people tell me they've gained between 20 and 30 pounds

during their stay! The jeans still fit provided I don't try to tuck my top

in, especially after dinner time. But still ....

It hasn't been til the last few days that I can handle the crowded dining

room without my valium - finally getting used to it. I know lots of people

now, and am very comfortable with a bunch of them. There is so much pain on

that floor it sometimes gets to me. I need to learn to listen without

taking things to heart, but I just really feel for everyone I talk to.

Having been through so much hell, my compassion levels have risen

dramatically, and while I've been told at least once a day by my nurses &

the facilitators that I should not compare myself to others and that my own

pain and sadness deserves addressing too, I have trouble speaking up in some

groups because I'm still kind of doing the " I've got it so good, why am I

complaining " routine. Invalid. Repeat after me: I am a worthwhile person.

That self esteem class was actually very interesting. We all know the words

by rote - negative self talk vs. positive affirmation (dontcha just love the

jargon??) - but they ran us through games and exercises to make it less

heavy. Our last class was interesting - we had little bits of paper and had

to write a little compliment to each person in the group telling them

something positive we see in them. I was surprised at the consistency of

the notes I got - lots of people perceived me as having a good sense of

humour. I sure used to, and I guess it's coming out again. Geri has always

told me that too, but I always figured it was easy to laugh with her because

we get along so well and she is hugely entertaining. Oh well. I left her a

voice mail yesterday afternoon after I got home to let her know I was

surviving, and she phoned me back last night saying she had spent all day

Thursday wondering about how I was doing and was thrilled to hear from me.

We had a great chat - I miss her.

They keep you busy morning to night, except Fridays, when you're pretty well

done by midday and can leave for your weekend pass. Of course, its a trick

getting your meds to take home much before 2, but that leaves you time for

lunch and packing.

My brain must have a charley horse by now, what with all the talking and

pondering about issues and the enormous amount of information provided in

class and on paper. My binder is quite full already! I am beginning to

narrow down not only what triggered the major depressive episode I've been

in, but I'm trying to figure out how to lay it all to rest. In addition,

it's been brutal honesty time with myself, and I'm really examining what my

fundamental beliefs are, and where I'm going wrong with them. It's more

than just believing you are a valuable human being; it's also understanding

where your behaviours go wrong and take you down the pain road.

I got a copy of my assessment yesterday, and was surprised at how accurate

it was, at least to my eyes. A few nails got hit on the head and some of it

was a little off, in my view. Since I'm such a nosy bugger, I'm going to

ask to look at my file with my nurse next week: hey, we have the right and

I'm curious. Apparently, they keep more track of you than you realize. I'm

really interested.

I'm suffering terribly with nightmares. Not blood and gore totally out to

lunch dreams, but dreams involving people I know and wild situations and

they leave me trembling when I wake up. The doctor has offered to drug me

into oblivion at night - apparently there are a few meds that really help

with this. In a way I understand the dreams: lots of insecurities and

issues are coming out in them, and being aware of them helps, but some days

I can't handle the anxiety that remains with me all day. I had some

whoppers last night and I'm still shaking.

Developed a cold during the week that turned into bronchitis within 2 days.

On top of my magnificent array of meds, I'm also on antibiotics now. More

pills to remember to take. Geez.... I continue to be a pharmacist's

delight. I'm not feeling real great, obviously, and I hope that by the end

of the weekend I feel better. I'd prefer to have a clearer head and more

energy when I return. I'm keeping one of the cars up there - if Rob picked

me up and returned me, that would be 4 hours of driving for him per weekend.

It's worth the monthly parking fee to just come and go myself. I'm also

free to go out during the week if I want to, but I haven't so far. Just not

into shopping anymore, and there's nothing I need there that I can't get on

the weekends here.

So that's about it. Been struggling with the self harm thing the last 4

days, and am trying my damndest to hold on. The temptation is so

overwhelming (I know it's irrational to you lovely normal people, but it's

such an anger thing with me). I think it's the nightmares triggering me.

The doctor asked me to write up a list of everything I feel angry about and

we'll try to deal with it from that angle too. They certainly are trying to

help.

The family is in great shape. Hiring my neighbour's daughter to help was a

great idea. The kids love her and she gets so much done around the house it

is in great shape when I get home on Friday. I just bring my laundry down

from Homewood and do that - not a big deal. Won't do any other chores. I

feel so lazy!!!! and spoiled!!!!!!!!!! I could get used to this LOL.

Meanwhile, it looks like a busy weekend ahead - Sammi has a birthday party

to go to and still needs to get a birthday present. Then we're going into

Toronto to visit with my SIL & family and go out to dinner, and tomorrow is

the end of season ringette banquet. More than I would like to do, but what

the heck. Just have to rest as much as possible because I really don't feel

too great. The clinic doc at the hospital said to check in with him on

Monday if I don't feel any better. So far, I'm not, but it's only Saturday

morning. Keep your fingers crossed.

All righty, that's it for me for now. I'll touch base next weekend which so

far looks nice and quiet. So far being the operative words. You never know

what this family will dream up ...

I hope you are all feeling reasonably good and doing well. I sure miss

hearing from you on a regular basis, not to mention that sitting at the

computer feels like a totally novel experience again. Well, three weeks

down, five to go. Hiding out from the world is an interesting experience,

but I stay aware that my experiences there are not the " real world. " I've

got to figure out where I'm going and what I want to do. I've discovered

that part of the problem now is that I'm directionless - a combination of

past events and the depression. Hopefully, that will come together. I'll

be returning to my shrink and Geri when I get released, and we'll just

continue the process, I imagine. But who knows what will happen in the next

5 weeks?

My apologies for sending you all the same letter, but the reasons are

obvious!

All my love & hugs (great big ones too!)

Eve