RLS: mental thoughts

[Guest guest]

Hmmmm...nice subject line, eh? " Mental Thoughts " ???? Are there any other

kind?

I've had a few interesting responses to my comments on how our thoughts may

aggravate and/or help us respond to some of our RLS battles. Thankfully,

the responses are showing a new tolerance for discussion and a willingness

to share ideas, even when there is disagreement between us. We've come a

long way in this group.

I want to respond to the group about a few of the things some of us are

batting around in private email, just because I think the ideas are

interesting...not right or wrong, but interesting. Sometimes the slightest

thought can trigger someone else to understand more about his/her own

situation and promote more control.

One of the letters was from Lee (although...Lee, you sent it to

Marleen, by mistake. Lucky for me, Marleen's still talking to me...tee

hee...so she forwarded it to me.) Lee's letter was a full blown temper

tantrum, not directed at me, by any means, but triggered by MY letter. She

needed to let off steam, and I was the lucky recipient of her 100mph

thoughts. But somewhere in that flowing line of high tempered thoughts,

she had some thoughts that were very interesting and I think many of us

will agree that we've had the same thoughts. I want to pass along a couple

of those thoughts for some of you to mull over. They might help us analyze

how some of us approach or react to things and possibly need to change our

thinking.

1. She described how when someone irritates her (like I described my

father-in-law's monotone voice and endless talking irritating me) that she

notices her legs needing to move AND she notices her voice changing to show

her irritation. Her comment was, " Do you suppose if we got

rid of the irritations, the legs, things would go away???? "

It's an interesting question. But what's even more interesting to me, is

how she's noticed OTHER signs of her irritation. When I'M in that

situation, I think it shows in my body language...I don't sit back and

relax, I don't tilt my head showing interest, I'm literally " on the edge of

my seat " ....I don't THINK my voice changes. I know my eye contact

changes to something like a caged animal wanting to look for an escape.

The point here, is to notice your own physical signs that might precede or

accompany that caged or irritated feeling that invites and RLS attack. I'm

not sure what you can do, once you notice this, but it's a start.

2. She made another statement that was worth thinking over, " We are

rational and more than of average intelligence, you would think we could

control ourselves if not the enviromnent we life in, in other words let the

big or little things roll off our backs. " There's a LOT in this statement

that worth considering. Does high intelligence equate to calmness or

controlled emotions? I think many of us think so, without realizing it. I

know I'm guilty of it. If I react super emotionally to something, I

immediately think, " JILL!!! You're too smart for that! " We get so upset at

ourselves for reacting emotionally to something we think we " should " be

able to control. A good example is how many women easily cry at moments

when they'd most like to be strong and appear intelligent and in control

(i.e. talking to the service guy at a car dealership, or confronting a

professor or policeman). We feel so stupid for being so out of control of

our emotions. I think it's also why many of us become irrate at any

suggestion that something like RLS could be affected by our thoughts. We

like to think we are smarter than that. We are smart, and therefore, we

should be able to be in control. (Obviously, in some cases we reject the

mental explanation because we our convinced our own case has been caused by

physical problems or trauma. Those cases are totally different from what

I'm talking about here.) We like to think we are more intelligent than

that, or that we have more control. And we lump the two together. We

think that if we are out of control, or affected by something mental

(stress, irritation, claustrauphobia, tension, etc.) then we just aren't

smart. If you are realizing that you have confused these issues, you might

want to re-think them. I'm not saying what's right or wrong. I'm just

saying that for myself, I KNOW I'm an intelligent person, and I KNOW I can

control myself in MOST situations....but I'm willing to consider there are

conditions which sneak up on me and affect me before I've learned to

identify them and respond differently to them. My intelligence comes in,

when I learn to identify those reactions and learn better responses.

One last thought about the idea of being able to let the big and little

things roll off our backs. I've already mentioned how sometimes, we don't

even KNOW what little things irritate us. But often we DO know, and we've

been taught to " control " our reactions. The mistake we make is to

" control " it, without actually dealing with it. Some of us were taught

that calmness is best....don't express anger...don't disagree or

fight...don't let people irritate you...turn the other cheek...it's easier

to just do it ourselves than to put the pressure on someone else and

irritate them, etc. There are times when these are good tactics. But if

we continually do that, in response to a person or situation, then we

haven't really dealt with it...we've just made ourselves react in a

watered-down fashion. Trouble is, eventually, like a pressure cooker, we

WILL blow. But here again, some of us are soooo good at being peace makers

and NOT blowing, that we just hold it in and hold it in. We don't blow,

but our tension or irritations, or fears, express themselves in other

ways.....like changes in our voices, temper, habits, or ability to sit

still (RLS). To put it bluntly, ask yourself if this comment fits

you..... " Most people see me as calm and collected...but they don't have a

CLUE what boils within me. I just do a great job of LOOKING calm. "

If it doesn't fit you...Good for you!!!!! I'm not saying it's a cause of RLS.

Another letter I received, was from someone who doesn't buy my thoughts

about the effect of mental disposition on RLS. We've agreed to disagree,

but we're still sharing ideas. In fact, she pointed out some interesting

things for me to consider about myself. She'd viewed my website on RLS and

spotted several things I wrote which fit the description of a person with

ADD. She was EXTREMELY careful to point out the dangers of labelling other

people or diagnosing others, but the things I wrote just stood out like a

billboard to her, so she mentioned them and asked if I've ever considered

whether I was ADD. THAT put me in an interesting situation. LOL My first

response was, " Hell no!!!! I'm not one of them. " LOL

But then, I went back to the thinking of " Is there anything I can learn

from this? " Per my request, she pointed out the places where I fit some of

the descriptions of a person with ADD. What she pointed out was

interesting. They were observations of behaviors I have which MIGHT also

be behaviors associated with ADD. I'm not concerned with whether they are

or aren't ADD behaviors. What I found fascinating was that someone else saw

these patterns or qualities in my behaviors. Whether they are signs of ADD

or signs of other problems or idiosyncracies, they are worth my attention.

The question that has always risen for me, is " When do you know that a

behavior is part of a problem, syndrome, disease, etc...and when is it part

of totally normal human behavior? " And with that question, I also ask, " Is

this something I've just gotten good at stifling, ignoring, and working

around? Would paying attention to it actually help me solve other problems? "

These are tough questions, which we all face. Lots of people " get antsy "

and just have to get moving. But do they all have RLS? No.

Lots of people have trouble getting started on a project, or sitting still

and concentrating on something like a card game....but does that mean they

all have ADD?

Lots of people get angry, raise their voices at their children, and might

even spank them too aggressively....but do they have an abuse problem?

That's a GOOD question. When is something normal, and still within your

control and still acceptable behavior and when is it a problem which needs

attention? My answer to that is...when it begins to hurt others, have a

negative effect on your life, or become habitual even when it brings bad

results.

The one that always amazed me, was one of the signs of a perfectionist.

Being a person who likes to do things well....that's NOT a problem. But

when your desire to be perfect keeps you from doing things at all, that IS

a problem. Believe it or not, someone who has a million unfinished

projects, or a messy house or garage, can actually be suffering from the

problem of being a perfectionist. They don't get going on the projects or

finish anything because they fear it won't be perfect when they are done.

Instead, the ironic thing is, they'll live with imperfection and a mess.

Weird, eh?

What's my point? My point is just that I appreciate it when someone points

these things out to me and allows me to view myself in a different light,

without making it an accusation or a labelling situation. I don't need to

have ten more labels to call myself. I just need to look at which of my

behaviors might trigger problems in my life. IF, in fact, I have a hard

time sticking with a project, or starting a project, or sitting still for

things that seem slow moving or demand concentration, or if I find that I

always need to be active....then THOSE behaviors might also cause an

internal frustration that triggers my RLS. It's all worth considering.

But here's an interesting thought, too. About a year ago, before I learned

the name for this thing (RLS), I started thinking, " Ya know what, Jill, I

think you're just lacking quality sleep. " I'd spent 40 years trying to

ignore the RLS and pretend that I didn't really have a problem. But I

often wondered why other people had so much more energy than I did.

And I wondered why sometimes I'm full of energy and can tackle

anything...super multi-tasking...accomplishing tons (I can also relax and

not feel guilty...enjoying the quiet times). But other times, I just can't

even think of doing the simplest things like doing dishes or paying bills.

Is it depression? Is it ADD? Is it boredom? Is it my health? Or...what I

finally started to believe, last year...is it lack of quality sleep caused

by " my problem with my legs " ?

Who knows?

What I DO know, is that the more I learn about how I respond to things and

how I operate, the more I can control things like RLS attacks. If I learn

from these observations, that in fact, I do have LOTS of troubles with slow

moving conversations, or certain monotones, or people who seem to control

me and tie me down with their slow conversation.....then I'm going to also

find a way to either avoid those frustrations by responding differently

when I'm in them. Already, I've learned to do other things when my

father-in-law gets in one of those slow talk modes. I'll just move our

conversation to the kitchen and do dishes while we talk. Or I'll suggest

we go for a walk.....so I get exercise and keep my legs moving and he can

talk all he wants...and I don't even fall asleep listening! LOL It's

worth it to me, to analyze my irritations, finally admit that YES, I'm

feeling out of control, I'm feeling caged in, and I want OUT!!!! Then, I

can respond in ways that allow me to still face the situation, but in a way

that doesn't drive my legs nuts.

Until this year, I didn't realize how much I just slowly learned to totally

avoid situations, instead of learning to manage them better. I wouldn't

let others drive, I all but stopped going to movies or sitting down to

watch videos with my family, I stopped buying books to read, etc. etc.

Now, I find that I'd rather learn what irritates me, learn some new

reactions to it, and then find ways to still enjoy the situations, rather

than cutting out all those situations until I've cut myself out of all the

things I really enjoy.

Okay...that's enough thinking for one day. I hope it triggers some

thoughts of your own. As always....I present these thoughts just as ways

to help us learn about ourselves...but I'm fully aware that for many of

you, these thoughts have zero to do with your unique RLS situation. If you

find some chicken here, then take the chicken and leave the bones. IF you

find only the bones....hmmmmmm....don't throw them at me! Please!

Jill, 46

Payson, AZ

http://www.netzone.com/~gunzel/rls.html

[Guest guest]

Jill you are one deep analytical thinker! I saw myself in quite a bit of

what you chewed over. You gave me a lot to think about. It'll take me a

while. I'm one of those " perfectionists " who starts projects and

procrastinates about finishing because I'm afraid they won't measure up.

Oh, a few things turn out okay but they're never really as good as I'd hoped

they'd be. With the passing years I've learned not to bottle up anything

inside. I either let the whole thing slide off my psyche as not worthy to

fester over or I blow off steam and get it all out in the open.

Right now Mr Biggles and I are having a time trying to keep upright outside.

He does better than me but then he does have four feet on the ground while I

slip and slide trying to remember to keep my knees bent etc. It's so cold

that salt and sand are ineffective. I do dislike ice. Snow, I can live

with.

CHEERS!!

Jeanne and Mr. Biggles in Poultney VT