More Humor...

[Guest guest]

My darling daughter sent me this one. If you don't like reading these... just

delete now!

A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house

I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I

certainly didn't invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there, and

the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but

whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her there; and when I look into

a mirror directly to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole

thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. It's very

disconcerting. I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams

back, grimacing horribly. She is really rather frightening.

If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer to pay rent.

But, no. Every once in a while I do find a couple dollar bills on the

kitchen counter, or some loose change on my bureau or on the floor, but that

certainly isn't enough. In fact, though I don't like to jump to

conclusions, I think she steals money from me regularly. I go to the ATM

and withdraw a hundred dollars, and a few days later, it's gone. I certainly

don't go through it fast, so I can only conclude that the old lady pilfers

it. You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream. God knows she

needs it

And the money isn't the only thing she's taking. Food seems to disappear at

an alarming rate. Especially tbe good stuff: ice cream, cookies, candy. I

just can't keep them in the house. She really has a sweet tooth. She should

watch it; she's really putting on the pounds. I think she realizes that, and

to make herself feel better, I know she's tampering with my scale so I'll

think that I'm gaining weight too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets into my closets

when I'm not home and alters all my clothes. They're getting tighter every

day. Another thing...I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers

on my desk. I can't find a thing anymore. This is particularly hard to deal

with because I'm extremely neat and organized, but she manages to jumble

everything up so nothing is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something important, she fiddles

with it after I leave the room so it records the wrong channel or shuts off

completely. She finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me. She

gets to my newspapers magazines, and mail before blurs all the print.

And..she's done something sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio,

and phone. Now all I hear mumbles and whispers. She's also made my stairs

steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn

and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into and out of

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries as soon as I shelve them and applies

super glue to the tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about

impossible to open. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night. More than once her snoring has

awakend me. I don't know why she can't do something about that. It's very

unattractive. As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining

her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to sneak into my car

with me and follow me wherever I go. I see her reflection in store windows

as I pass, and she's taken all the fun out of clothes shopping because her

penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to dressing rooms. When I try

something on, she dons an identical outfit, which looks ridiculous on her, and

then stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great it looks on me.

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but yesterday she proved

me wrong. She had the nerve to come with me when I went to have some

passport pictures taken, and she actually stepped in front of the camera just

as the shutter clicked. DISASTER!! I have never seen such a terrible

picture. How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going to

believe that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice. If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put

her in a home. On second thought......I shouldn't be too hasty. First, I

think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.....

- approaching old hag-dom toooo fast - 56 in Texas