NOT RLS RELATED---RE: LAUGHTER

[Guest guest]

To the whole darn group of wigglers.

This is lengthy,not RLS related, and not intended to offend anyone, so,

if you aren't interested in having a laugh or two, just hit the ol'

delete button NOW.

The following is a chapter taken from Steve 's new book,

" Pure Drivel " . I think it is sooooooooo funny. Hope you all enjoy

it too.

Susie

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SIDE EFFECTS

Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

Side Effects: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or

shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid

heartbeat, or ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor.

Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat,

shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods: flounder. Under no circumstances

eat yak.

Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis

is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is

common in 30% of users -- sorry: 50%. If you undergo disorienting nausea

accompanied by migraine with audible raspy breathing, double the dosage.

Leg cramps are to be expected; up to one knee-buckler per day is

allowable.

Bowel movements may become frequent, in fact every 10 minutes. If bowel

movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or

in fact any doctor, or anyone who will speak to you.

You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time

to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are in the 10%

of users who experience " spontaneous test pilot knowledge. "

If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any

buildings or populated areas and apply tincture of iodine to the head

until you no longer hear what could be considered a " countdown. "

May cause stigmata on Mexicans. Do not sit on pointy conical objects. If

a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of

Records.

Do not operate heavy machinery, especially if you feel qualified for a

desk job; that's good advice anytime. May cause famine and pustules.

There may be a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase " no can do. "

This drug may cause visions of the Virgin to appear in treetops. If

this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse

to shout out during a Catholic mass, " I'm gonna wop you wid da ugly

stick! " You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because

you are about to die.

Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a

powerful erection will accompany your daily " walking around time. "

Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near

a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz, or you will be very dead,

very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox.

You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life, along the a

deep sense of melancholy --join the club!! Do not be concerned if you

arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter.

You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme

Fidgeting.

The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to get caught on the

larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat, while a friend holds

your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then

throw yourself stomach-first on the back portion of a chair. The

expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes

into a sinus cavity or the brain.

Warning: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has

been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in

front of a TV may cause the screen to moiré.

While taking this drug, you might want to wear something lucky.

Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of

the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a

testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of

their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, trailer 6,

Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at " hotguy.com "

Discontinue use immediately if you feel your teeth are receiving radio

broadcasts.

You may experience " lumpy back " syndrome, but we are actively seeking a

cure.

Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. Be sure to allow

plenty of " quiet time " in order to retrain the eye to move off

stationary objects.

Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug

will develop a stonelike body density; therefore, if thrown overboard,

contact your doctor.

This product may contain one or more of the following; bungee cord,

plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gum

arabic -- pardon me, an Arab's gums --gunpower, corn husk, glue, bee

pollen, English muffins, poached eggs, ham, hollandaise sauce, and

crushed saxophone reeds. Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is

the feeling of a " phantom third arm. "

User may experience certain inversions of language: Acceptable: " Hi, are

how you? " Unacceptable: " The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the

phsssst. "

Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will experience an insatiable

craving to take another dose. Avoid this with all your power. It is

advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance,

especially one that will not fit through the doorway to where the pills

are.

You should also be out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which you

could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give

you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.

Notice: This drug is legal in the United States only when the user is

straddling a state line.