Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

[Guest guest]

---Hello debs..sorry to hear the about the hell you are going thru

with your mom in law...I can really understand what you are going

through..and mabey I could help ya a little if not with some advise

but at least knowing you r not alone in dealing with " The Mother In

law From Hell " ...6 years ago my family and I lost everything we

owned in NY and ended up moving into my mom in law/dad in law's house

in Florida and it was absoulutly the one of the worse nightmares of

my life...They were also gamblers, and made my life hell by taking

over the decisions with my children, made me almost like a cinderella

because she would also put on water works with my hubby and he was

already a mommy's boy cause he was a bacholer for 20 years and lived

with her all that time! So, she had the attitude that my hubby loved

her more than me, I was shit, I was an outsider, I was a bad mother,

I 0wed her becasue we lived there so I had to cook, clean and take

care of her and her sisters when they got together every night for

dinner and card games.My hubby was always against me and siding with

her...eventually he was not finding work and becoming lazy and

playing golf everyday...until I had my breaking point..and sometimes

we just keep everything in for so long, until we just explode and

that is what I did when hubby was off again to play golf, and I

started yelling at him, to take care of his family and telling him

everything about his mom and ect ect...then his mom came in and told

us to stop letting the neighbors know all our buisness, so he went

inside with her and She told him that I was just a crazy nut and he

dont need me...well,,,,I just packed up and took the kids and left

for my mothers, but before I walked out the door, i told her exactley

how I felt and what she has been doing to me..ect.ect..I am not

telling you that picking up kids and leaving them is the right thing

to do, but I think if I just had told her exactley how I felt from

the beginning, mabey it could have gotten better instead of holding

everything in and taking all the s___!!!! Dealing with in laws is one

of life's biggest challanges to test us and our relationships..only

you can decide what you can take and for how long you can take it. I

ended up coming back to them when my father in law passed away, and

my mom in law had cancer at the same time...I ended up taking care of

her for 2 years and i mean doing " everything " for her cleaning her,

driving her to all her appts, chemo, feeding her until she died 8

months ago...so in the end it really all goes under the bridge..I

really hope it works out for you , debs!

Rosemary

In pancreatitis@y..., " debzdebznz " wrote:

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

---Hello debs..sorry to hear the about the hell you are going thru

with your mom in law...I can really understand what you are going

through..and mabey I could help ya a little if not with some advise

but at least knowing you r not alone in dealing with " The Mother In

law From Hell " ...6 years ago my family and I lost everything we

owned in NY and ended up moving into my mom in law/dad in law's house

in Florida and it was absoulutly the one of the worse nightmares of

my life...They were also gamblers, and made my life hell by taking

over the decisions with my children, made me almost like a cinderella

because she would also put on water works with my hubby and he was

already a mommy's boy cause he was a bacholer for 20 years and lived

with her all that time! So, she had the attitude that my hubby loved

her more than me, I was shit, I was an outsider, I was a bad mother,

I 0wed her becasue we lived there so I had to cook, clean and take

care of her and her sisters when they got together every night for

dinner and card games.My hubby was always against me and siding with

her...eventually he was not finding work and becoming lazy and

playing golf everyday...until I had my breaking point..and sometimes

we just keep everything in for so long, until we just explode and

that is what I did when hubby was off again to play golf, and I

started yelling at him, to take care of his family and telling him

everything about his mom and ect ect...then his mom came in and told

us to stop letting the neighbors know all our buisness, so he went

inside with her and She told him that I was just a crazy nut and he

dont need me...well,,,,I just packed up and took the kids and left

for my mothers, but before I walked out the door, i told her exactley

how I felt and what she has been doing to me..ect.ect..I am not

telling you that picking up kids and leaving them is the right thing

to do, but I think if I just had told her exactley how I felt from

the beginning, mabey it could have gotten better instead of holding

everything in and taking all the s___!!!! Dealing with in laws is one

of life's biggest challanges to test us and our relationships..only

you can decide what you can take and for how long you can take it. I

ended up coming back to them when my father in law passed away, and

my mom in law had cancer at the same time...I ended up taking care of

her for 2 years and i mean doing " everything " for her cleaning her,

driving her to all her appts, chemo, feeding her until she died 8

months ago...so in the end it really all goes under the bridge..I

really hope it works out for you , debs!

Rosemary

In pancreatitis@y..., " debzdebznz " wrote:

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

Dear Debs,

If you can and your partner can afford to continue to help out your

mother-in-law financially, that's one thing. But YOU don't have to pay for

it. She's your partner's mother, not yours. And you are not the local

welfare office. Weren't you having the same sort of (or similar) problems

with your spouse's daughter a while back? Perhaps you need to be a bit more

firm. And perhaps your partner needs a class on codependency. In fact, you

better go along. :-) Haha.

What he does with his money is not something you can control - I'm sorry.

But as his spouse, you SHOULD have some say about where your mutual household

income goes. I assume you split your bills - and savings - and earnings -

etc.?? If so, of COURSE you should find a way to agree on how it's spent.

But I would think that if you don't want to pay for her, you certainly should

not HAVE to... How about he pays for her from his OWN account, after all

other family bills are met? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

As far as the housekeeping goes, you are paying an EXORBITANT fee for a

service that you are not getting. It's not a matter of her being your

mother-in-law where that is concerned. Hire someone that is going to HELP

YOU OUT and DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE.

$600 should pay for some DAMN FINE HOUSEKEEPING. Reduce it to half of that

and get somebody who knows how to clean house. At least in the states, $300

should get you one CONTINUALLY SPOTLESS house. It's not a matter of

" helping " someone - and paying them for it - if they won't help you back and

do the simple things agreed upon.

Especially if you're already " giving " them cash to live on in the first

place. I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this nonsense, but clearly

it's causing you grief, which just makes your CP worse and your life a living

hell. It's up to you, but I'd put an end to it. If your partner argues and

whines, tell him it's a matter of your health - and it is. If he wants to go

live at home with mommy, he knows the way. Meanwhile, stop being a doormat.

She is your mother-in-law. You are her daughter-in-law. That is the only

relationship that you should have. A financial relationship is out of line,

inappropriate, and causing you a great deal of stress, and causing stress in

your primary relationship. Clearly it's time to redefine roles into

something far more healthy and realistic - to say nothing of " traditional " -

or reasonable.

You live daily with a terminal illness that is extremely expensive and

terrifically stressful. You should not have the bare the burden of someone

else that doesn't live in your home simply because they mismanage their money

- or for any other reason for that matter. Put your foot down. Don't wait

for it to get any further out of hand than it is already. And put your

husband on-line. We have a few choice words for him as well.

Ann Landers in Kansas City,

Terry

<< Hi

Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she feels

like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small farm.

I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all as

she takes all my money

Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

and everything wil turn to weetbix.

She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets all

defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

to do

Debs >>

[Guest guest]

Dear Debs,

If you can and your partner can afford to continue to help out your

mother-in-law financially, that's one thing. But YOU don't have to pay for

it. She's your partner's mother, not yours. And you are not the local

welfare office. Weren't you having the same sort of (or similar) problems

with your spouse's daughter a while back? Perhaps you need to be a bit more

firm. And perhaps your partner needs a class on codependency. In fact, you

better go along. :-) Haha.

What he does with his money is not something you can control - I'm sorry.

But as his spouse, you SHOULD have some say about where your mutual household

income goes. I assume you split your bills - and savings - and earnings -

etc.?? If so, of COURSE you should find a way to agree on how it's spent.

But I would think that if you don't want to pay for her, you certainly should

not HAVE to... How about he pays for her from his OWN account, after all

other family bills are met? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

As far as the housekeeping goes, you are paying an EXORBITANT fee for a

service that you are not getting. It's not a matter of her being your

mother-in-law where that is concerned. Hire someone that is going to HELP

YOU OUT and DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE.

$600 should pay for some DAMN FINE HOUSEKEEPING. Reduce it to half of that

and get somebody who knows how to clean house. At least in the states, $300

should get you one CONTINUALLY SPOTLESS house. It's not a matter of

" helping " someone - and paying them for it - if they won't help you back and

do the simple things agreed upon.

Especially if you're already " giving " them cash to live on in the first

place. I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this nonsense, but clearly

it's causing you grief, which just makes your CP worse and your life a living

hell. It's up to you, but I'd put an end to it. If your partner argues and

whines, tell him it's a matter of your health - and it is. If he wants to go

live at home with mommy, he knows the way. Meanwhile, stop being a doormat.

She is your mother-in-law. You are her daughter-in-law. That is the only

relationship that you should have. A financial relationship is out of line,

inappropriate, and causing you a great deal of stress, and causing stress in

your primary relationship. Clearly it's time to redefine roles into

something far more healthy and realistic - to say nothing of " traditional " -

or reasonable.

You live daily with a terminal illness that is extremely expensive and

terrifically stressful. You should not have the bare the burden of someone

else that doesn't live in your home simply because they mismanage their money

- or for any other reason for that matter. Put your foot down. Don't wait

for it to get any further out of hand than it is already. And put your

husband on-line. We have a few choice words for him as well.

Ann Landers in Kansas City,

Terry

<< Hi

Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she feels

like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small farm.

I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all as

she takes all my money

Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

and everything wil turn to weetbix.

She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets all

defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

to do

Debs >>

[Guest guest]

Hi Debs,

Sorry you are going through all this crap. I always hear of mother in

law horror stories. You wanted some suggestions:

First I would have a talk with her calmly and explain that you do not

have the money to keep giving to them each month. explain that you

have bills too etc and that its hard for you to keep doing this.

Then explain that you are giving her money for her to clean the house

and would still (if you still want her to)like to have that

arrangement but that she needs to view it as if she was working for a

stranger cleaning their house. Explain that there are certain things

you need done around the house and sometimes you have others which

you will give her a list and you hired her to carry these chores out.

As far as how she folds clothes. I can only say everyone does it

differently. If you would like it done a certain way then show her

how you prefer it to be done.

I hope this can be worked out so you arent stressed over it anymore

thats the last thing you need with CP.

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

Hi Debs,

Sorry you are going through all this crap. I always hear of mother in

law horror stories. You wanted some suggestions:

First I would have a talk with her calmly and explain that you do not

have the money to keep giving to them each month. explain that you

have bills too etc and that its hard for you to keep doing this.

Then explain that you are giving her money for her to clean the house

and would still (if you still want her to)like to have that

arrangement but that she needs to view it as if she was working for a

stranger cleaning their house. Explain that there are certain things

you need done around the house and sometimes you have others which

you will give her a list and you hired her to carry these chores out.

As far as how she folds clothes. I can only say everyone does it

differently. If you would like it done a certain way then show her

how you prefer it to be done.

I hope this can be worked out so you arent stressed over it anymore

thats the last thing you need with CP.

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

Hi Debs,

Sorry you are going through all this crap. I always hear of mother in

law horror stories. You wanted some suggestions:

First I would have a talk with her calmly and explain that you do not

have the money to keep giving to them each month. explain that you

have bills too etc and that its hard for you to keep doing this.

Then explain that you are giving her money for her to clean the house

and would still (if you still want her to)like to have that

arrangement but that she needs to view it as if she was working for a

stranger cleaning their house. Explain that there are certain things

you need done around the house and sometimes you have others which

you will give her a list and you hired her to carry these chores out.

As far as how she folds clothes. I can only say everyone does it

differently. If you would like it done a certain way then show her

how you prefer it to be done.

I hope this can be worked out so you arent stressed over it anymore

thats the last thing you need with CP.

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

Hi Debs,

Sorry you are going through all this crap. I always hear of mother in

law horror stories. You wanted some suggestions:

First I would have a talk with her calmly and explain that you do not

have the money to keep giving to them each month. explain that you

have bills too etc and that its hard for you to keep doing this.

Then explain that you are giving her money for her to clean the house

and would still (if you still want her to)like to have that

arrangement but that she needs to view it as if she was working for a

stranger cleaning their house. Explain that there are certain things

you need done around the house and sometimes you have others which

you will give her a list and you hired her to carry these chores out.

As far as how she folds clothes. I can only say everyone does it

differently. If you would like it done a certain way then show her

how you prefer it to be done.

I hope this can be worked out so you arent stressed over it anymore

thats the last thing you need with CP.

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

Hi Debs,

Sorry you are going through all this crap. I always hear of mother in

law horror stories. You wanted some suggestions:

First I would have a talk with her calmly and explain that you do not

have the money to keep giving to them each month. explain that you

have bills too etc and that its hard for you to keep doing this.

Then explain that you are giving her money for her to clean the house

and would still (if you still want her to)like to have that

arrangement but that she needs to view it as if she was working for a

stranger cleaning their house. Explain that there are certain things

you need done around the house and sometimes you have others which

you will give her a list and you hired her to carry these chores out.

As far as how she folds clothes. I can only say everyone does it

differently. If you would like it done a certain way then show her

how you prefer it to be done.

I hope this can be worked out so you arent stressed over it anymore

thats the last thing you need with CP.

> Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs

[Guest guest]

--Debs,

I have not posted for awhile, but your mother-in-law problem rings a

major bell with me. Mine lives out of state but she still cries the

blues about no money. It would help tremendously if she would try

working for a living rather then collecting from her kids.

We have helped pay for carpeting air conditionar redoing a bathroom,

and many others.

My husband finally just told her we did not have the money. With me

being sick, our bills have piled up.

But since he stopped giving money we were able to take a real

vacation this past week. The first time in two years.

Thank God I have been well enough lately to work overtime. But I am

beginnig show signs of problems so I have to back off. The offer of

time and a half, plus $3.00 hr. is more then I could pass up. But I

worked 72 hrs. the week before vacation and it was more then I could

do.

My point is my family comes first, and I will be D$#@ if she gets

money before my kids do.

There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes from

down below................... Find it if you can. It will become yuor

theme song

Cheryl

,

- In pancreatitis@y..., roguekc@a... wrote:

> Dear Debs,

>

> If you can and your partner can afford to continue to help out your

> mother-in-law financially, that's one thing. But YOU don't have to

pay for

> it. She's your partner's mother, not yours. And you are not the

local

> welfare office. Weren't you having the same sort of (or similar)

problems

> with your spouse's daughter a while back? Perhaps you need to be a

bit more

> firm. And perhaps your partner needs a class on codependency. In

fact, you

> better go along. :-) Haha.

>

> What he does with his money is not something you can control - I'm

sorry.

> But as his spouse, you SHOULD have some say about where your mutual

household

> income goes. I assume you split your bills - and savings - and

earnings -

> etc.?? If so, of COURSE you should find a way to agree on how it's

spent.

> But I would think that if you don't want to pay for her, you

certainly should

> not HAVE to... How about he pays for her from his OWN account,

after all

> other family bills are met? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

>

> As far as the housekeeping goes, you are paying an EXORBITANT fee

for a

> service that you are not getting. It's not a matter of her being

your

> mother-in-law where that is concerned. Hire someone that is going

to HELP

> YOU OUT and DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE.

>

> $600 should pay for some DAMN FINE HOUSEKEEPING. Reduce it to half

of that

> and get somebody who knows how to clean house. At least in the

states, $300

> should get you one CONTINUALLY SPOTLESS house. It's not a matter

of

> " helping " someone - and paying them for it - if they won't help you

back and

> do the simple things agreed upon.

>

> Especially if you're already " giving " them cash to live on in the

first

> place. I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this nonsense, but

clearly

> it's causing you grief, which just makes your CP worse and your

life a living

> hell. It's up to you, but I'd put an end to it. If your partner

argues and

> whines, tell him it's a matter of your health - and it is. If he

wants to go

> live at home with mommy, he knows the way. Meanwhile, stop being a

doormat.

>

> She is your mother-in-law. You are her daughter-in-law. That is

the only

> relationship that you should have. A financial relationship is out

of line,

> inappropriate, and causing you a great deal of stress, and causing

stress in

> your primary relationship. Clearly it's time to redefine roles

into

> something far more healthy and realistic - to say nothing

of " traditional " -

> or reasonable.

>

> You live daily with a terminal illness that is extremely expensive

and

> terrifically stressful. You should not have the bare the burden of

someone

> else that doesn't live in your home simply because they mismanage

their money

> - or for any other reason for that matter. Put your foot down.

Don't wait

> for it to get any further out of hand than it is already. And put

your

> husband on-line. We have a few choice words for him as well.

>

> Ann Landers in Kansas City,

> Terry

>

> In a message dated 7/27/02 12:01:30 AM, colind@x... writes:

>

> << Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs >>

[Guest guest]

--Debs,

I have not posted for awhile, but your mother-in-law problem rings a

major bell with me. Mine lives out of state but she still cries the

blues about no money. It would help tremendously if she would try

working for a living rather then collecting from her kids.

We have helped pay for carpeting air conditionar redoing a bathroom,

and many others.

My husband finally just told her we did not have the money. With me

being sick, our bills have piled up.

But since he stopped giving money we were able to take a real

vacation this past week. The first time in two years.

Thank God I have been well enough lately to work overtime. But I am

beginnig show signs of problems so I have to back off. The offer of

time and a half, plus $3.00 hr. is more then I could pass up. But I

worked 72 hrs. the week before vacation and it was more then I could

do.

My point is my family comes first, and I will be D$#@ if she gets

money before my kids do.

There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes from

down below................... Find it if you can. It will become yuor

theme song

Cheryl

,

- In pancreatitis@y..., roguekc@a... wrote:

> Dear Debs,

>

> If you can and your partner can afford to continue to help out your

> mother-in-law financially, that's one thing. But YOU don't have to

pay for

> it. She's your partner's mother, not yours. And you are not the

local

> welfare office. Weren't you having the same sort of (or similar)

problems

> with your spouse's daughter a while back? Perhaps you need to be a

bit more

> firm. And perhaps your partner needs a class on codependency. In

fact, you

> better go along. :-) Haha.

>

> What he does with his money is not something you can control - I'm

sorry.

> But as his spouse, you SHOULD have some say about where your mutual

household

> income goes. I assume you split your bills - and savings - and

earnings -

> etc.?? If so, of COURSE you should find a way to agree on how it's

spent.

> But I would think that if you don't want to pay for her, you

certainly should

> not HAVE to... How about he pays for her from his OWN account,

after all

> other family bills are met? Seems perfectly reasonable to me.

>

> As far as the housekeeping goes, you are paying an EXORBITANT fee

for a

> service that you are not getting. It's not a matter of her being

your

> mother-in-law where that is concerned. Hire someone that is going

to HELP

> YOU OUT and DO WHAT YOU NEED DONE.

>

> $600 should pay for some DAMN FINE HOUSEKEEPING. Reduce it to half

of that

> and get somebody who knows how to clean house. At least in the

states, $300

> should get you one CONTINUALLY SPOTLESS house. It's not a matter

of

> " helping " someone - and paying them for it - if they won't help you

back and

> do the simple things agreed upon.

>

> Especially if you're already " giving " them cash to live on in the

first

> place. I'm so sorry that you are caught up in this nonsense, but

clearly

> it's causing you grief, which just makes your CP worse and your

life a living

> hell. It's up to you, but I'd put an end to it. If your partner

argues and

> whines, tell him it's a matter of your health - and it is. If he

wants to go

> live at home with mommy, he knows the way. Meanwhile, stop being a

doormat.

>

> She is your mother-in-law. You are her daughter-in-law. That is

the only

> relationship that you should have. A financial relationship is out

of line,

> inappropriate, and causing you a great deal of stress, and causing

stress in

> your primary relationship. Clearly it's time to redefine roles

into

> something far more healthy and realistic - to say nothing

of " traditional " -

> or reasonable.

>

> You live daily with a terminal illness that is extremely expensive

and

> terrifically stressful. You should not have the bare the burden of

someone

> else that doesn't live in your home simply because they mismanage

their money

> - or for any other reason for that matter. Put your foot down.

Don't wait

> for it to get any further out of hand than it is already. And put

your

> husband on-line. We have a few choice words for him as well.

>

> Ann Landers in Kansas City,

> Terry

>

> In a message dated 7/27/02 12:01:30 AM, colind@x... writes:

>

> << Hi

>

> Things arent going all that well I have problems with my mother

> inlaw whose meddling and making my life hell with my partner and I.

> We pay her to clean house and she does what she wants when she

feels

> like it.Not helping me at all just making me fuming. It of course

> puts added strain on me and my partner.we also have to bail her out

> to the tune of 500 to $1000 a month as she needs 4k a month to live

> on with her hubby cos they smoke drink and have race horses. He

> doesnt work just trians his horses that dont win on their small

farm.

> I am tired of it. I have been bailing her out for a year. We also

> pay her $150 a week to clean and my house is not clean.

> So its all very draining and it make sme wonder why I work at all

as

> she takes all my money

> Any ideas on sorting her would be great.

> I am worried that if I end up in hospital again she will take over

> and everything wil turn to weetbix.

> She folds clothes in wrong way, bathrooms filthy till I left a list

> now she ignorse my list and tells me what shes been doing

> arghhhhhhhhhhhh. Shes very manipulating and winds her son up does

> the tears act if you ask her to do anything .

> Shes stressing me outand I have talked to my partner but he gets

all

> defensive as she leans on him for money. I am at a loss as to what

> to do

>

> Debs >>

[Guest guest]

Good song....from sometime in the late 50's...I forget the group, it's

do-wop, though.

The worst person I know - is my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

She comes from down below - my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

Every time I open my mouth - she tries to put me down...etc, etc.

Jerry/NC

******************************************

Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

> --Debs,

> There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes from

> down below................... Find it if you can. It will become yuor

> theme song

>

> Cheryl

[Guest guest]

Good song....from sometime in the late 50's...I forget the group, it's

do-wop, though.

The worst person I know - is my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

She comes from down below - my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

Every time I open my mouth - she tries to put me down...etc, etc.

Jerry/NC

******************************************

Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

> --Debs,

> There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes from

> down below................... Find it if you can. It will become yuor

> theme song

>

> Cheryl

[Guest guest]

Good song....from sometime in the late 50's...I forget the group, it's

do-wop, though.

The worst person I know - is my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

She comes from down below - my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

Every time I open my mouth - she tries to put me down...etc, etc.

Jerry/NC

******************************************

Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

> --Debs,

> There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes from

> down below................... Find it if you can. It will become yuor

> theme song

>

> Cheryl

[Guest guest]

---Cheryl and Jerry,

Oh My Goodness!! That song must be hilarious!!!

Rosemary

In pancreatitis@y..., " Jerry Pople " wrote:

> Good song....from sometime in the late 50's...I forget the group,

it's

> do-wop, though.

>

> The worst person I know - is my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

> She comes from down below - my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

>

> Every time I open my mouth - she tries to put me down...etc, etc.

>

> Jerry/NC

> ******************************************

> Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

>

>

> > --Debs,

> > There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes

from

> > down below................... Find it if you can. It will become

yuor

> > theme song

> >

> > Cheryl

[Guest guest]

---Cheryl and Jerry,

Oh My Goodness!! That song must be hilarious!!!

Rosemary

In pancreatitis@y..., " Jerry Pople " wrote:

> Good song....from sometime in the late 50's...I forget the group,

it's

> do-wop, though.

>

> The worst person I know - is my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

> She comes from down below - my mother-in-law, mother-in-law.

>

> Every time I open my mouth - she tries to put me down...etc, etc.

>

> Jerry/NC

> ******************************************

> Re: Problem manipulating mother in law

>

>

> > --Debs,

> > There is an old song called mother-in-law, and it says she comes

from

> > down below................... Find it if you can. It will become

yuor

> > theme song

> >

> > Cheryl

[Guest guest]

Debs,

I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

(one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

of your money that you have worked so hard to make

(especially working with such a terrible illness as

pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

since you don't see any of the money anyways.

As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

list of things you want done.

If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

Kimber

--

Kimber

Vallejo, CA

hominid2@...

Southwest Representative

Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Debs,

I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

(one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

of your money that you have worked so hard to make

(especially working with such a terrible illness as

pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

since you don't see any of the money anyways.

As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

list of things you want done.

If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

Kimber

--

Kimber

Vallejo, CA

hominid2@...

Southwest Representative

Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Debs,

I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

(one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

of your money that you have worked so hard to make

(especially working with such a terrible illness as

pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

since you don't see any of the money anyways.

As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

list of things you want done.

If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

Kimber

--

Kimber

Vallejo, CA

hominid2@...

Southwest Representative

Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Debs,

I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

(one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

of your money that you have worked so hard to make

(especially working with such a terrible illness as

pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

since you don't see any of the money anyways.

As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

list of things you want done.

If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

Kimber

--

Kimber

Vallejo, CA

hominid2@...

Southwest Representative

Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

> Debs,

> I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

> givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

> thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

> (one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

> wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

> not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

> of your money that you have worked so hard to make

> (especially working with such a terrible illness as

> pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

> since you don't see any of the money anyways.

> As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

> would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

> place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

> list of things you want done.

> If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

> service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

> Kimber

>

> --

> Kimber

> Vallejo, CA

> hominid2@c...

> Southwest Representative

> Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Kimber

Thanks > Actually I have control over all money , I never organised

it that way. But everything goes in my account and I pay from there.

But this bit of splitting income is a good idea.

I sure am sick of her and i have been getting awfully down about her

gettign all my money with this disease and all

Good point about the list and being professional. I will store that

one.

Cheers

Debs'

> Debs,

> I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

> givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

> thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

> (one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

> wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

> not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

> of your money that you have worked so hard to make

> (especially working with such a terrible illness as

> pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

> since you don't see any of the money anyways.

> As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

> would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

> place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

> list of things you want done.

> If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

> service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

> Kimber

>

> --

> Kimber

> Vallejo, CA

> hominid2@c...

> Southwest Representative

> Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Kimber

Thanks > Actually I have control over all money , I never organised

it that way. But everything goes in my account and I pay from there.

But this bit of splitting income is a good idea.

I sure am sick of her and i have been getting awfully down about her

gettign all my money with this disease and all

Good point about the list and being professional. I will store that

one.

Cheers

Debs'

> Debs,

> I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

> givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

> thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

> (one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

> wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

> not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

> of your money that you have worked so hard to make

> (especially working with such a terrible illness as

> pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

> since you don't see any of the money anyways.

> As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

> would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

> place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

> list of things you want done.

> If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

> service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

> Kimber

>

> --

> Kimber

> Vallejo, CA

> hominid2@c...

> Southwest Representative

> Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Kimber

Thanks > Actually I have control over all money , I never organised

it that way. But everything goes in my account and I pay from there.

But this bit of splitting income is a good idea.

I sure am sick of her and i have been getting awfully down about her

gettign all my money with this disease and all

Good point about the list and being professional. I will store that

one.

Cheers

Debs'

> Debs,

> I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

> givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

> thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

> (one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

> wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

> not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

> of your money that you have worked so hard to make

> (especially working with such a terrible illness as

> pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

> since you don't see any of the money anyways.

> As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

> would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

> place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

> list of things you want done.

> If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

> service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

> Kimber

>

> --

> Kimber

> Vallejo, CA

> hominid2@c...

> Southwest Representative

> Pancreatitis Association, International

[Guest guest]

Kimber

Thanks > Actually I have control over all money , I never organised

it that way. But everything goes in my account and I pay from there.

But this bit of splitting income is a good idea.

I sure am sick of her and i have been getting awfully down about her

gettign all my money with this disease and all

Good point about the list and being professional. I will store that

one.

Cheers

Debs'

> Debs,

> I'm not sure you would like my advice about your hubby and

> givingyour mother-in-law money every month. The nicest

> thing I can say, is get a separate account for your money

> (one your hubby doesn't have access to) and tell him if he

> wants to add to her income, he has to do it himself. She's

> not your mother and you have no obligation to give her any

> of your money that you have worked so hard to make

> (especially working with such a terrible illness as

> pancreatitis.). Otherwise, you might as well not be working

> since you don't see any of the money anyways.

> As for the cleaning, get someone else to do it. I'm sure you

> would be paying A LOT less a month and actually get the

> place clean. A professional also wouldn't be upset over the

> list of things you want done.

> If your hubby objects, just tell him you are not getting any

> service for the money you pay your mother-in-law to clean.

> Kimber

>

> --

> Kimber

> Vallejo, CA

> hominid2@c...

> Southwest Representative

> Pancreatitis Association, International