Re: Overlooking social deficits

[Guest guest]

Hi Grace

I am glad you wrote this mail. I have not let anyone

except my close family know that she is in the

spectrum. The reason is i do not want anyone to label

her or sympathize with her and that she should be

known for as Bhavani rather than " that austistic kid "

..

But it is not always easiest.Recently during my rip to

richmond VA (to see her DAN doctor) we also took a day

or two to see Richmond around and sometimes people can

be nasty about my daughter not behaving.FOr some

reason My daughter was very hyper in the restaurant

where we had breakfast. She would not sit in her

chair, sing loudly and jump up. i tried to calm her

but if you know these kids it can be very dificult

sometimes. Some people in the restaurant were actually

snorting, and acting as if we as parents were not

competitive enough.One mother actually ocmmneted to

her child that " Well you are a well behaved child and

will not act like that kid " . May be she is right in

her place.But I was almost tempted to turn back and

say " yesk lucky she is not autistic " .SO what do we do

in such situtaions.

Lalitha

--- QuoVadis quovadis@...> wrote:

> I do understand that - my father could be very

> embarrassing to explain to my friends. My oldest

> son has a real problem with that, too, and it does

> take a significant amount of effort, but being

> difficult is not the same as being impossible.

>

> I'm not suggesting that you're saying that, either,

> just that there are parents who do handle it that

> way. I was dismayed to read an article about a mom

> who took her child w/AS to Disney world and, when he

> started messing with the merchandise in a store, she

> was very proud of the fact that she took the time to

> explain his behavior to the people in line. But

> meanwhile, he was still messing up the store. What

> message was she giving these people as well as her

> son? " We must be tolerant and understanding; he has

> AS and can't be expected to control himself. " The

> thought of people on the spectrum growing up to

> believe that bit of hopeless condescension is

> tragic.

>

> All of my children struggle in different areas (my

> daughter has oppositional-defiance symptoms - that's

> a real party), but even though some things come

> harder for them, I do not want them to become people

> who must be endured or ignored. That's an incentive

> that keeps me fighting the good fight. I will help

> them over it, but I will not lower the bar for them.

> And I pray that all parents receive the strength

> and wisdom they need to deal with this challenging

> condition.

>

> ~Grace

>

> [Non-text portions of this message have been

> removed]

>

>

____________________________________________________

Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page

http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

[Guest guest]

I often remember when I had my 1st child (who has AS and was so wonderfully but

abnormally obedient when he was little) the time that I was at church and saw a

mom carrying her child who was having a fit out of the service. I can still

remember thinking rather smugly that, if she were just firm & consistent like I

was, she wouldn't have these discipline problems. I frequently joke that God

then sent me my dd to teach me some humility and wisdom.

I have been in a similar situation at a restaurant with my dd when she was 3

while we were vacationing. (She has sx's of ADHD and oppositional-defiance)

She was having a fit about something & I was at a loss as to how to handle her

since she has never responded to normal discipline & I had no clue what was

going on with her at the time. It was certainly very embarrassing. It was bad

enough to endure the judgments that I knew strangers were making, but my younger

brother & his wife were with us and it turned out that they were, too. (No one

knows as much about child-rearing as a just married couple with none of their

own yet, LOL!) We ended up arguing and the vacation was an unhappy one.

My 3rd child who is the most autistic got upset while we were waiting at the

mall for my dh to finish some business upstairs. He was crying & crying and

could not be consoled. A well-meaning woman came over and insistently suggested

several times that he must be hungry. I smiled politely and through gritted

teeth & over his wails told her that we had just finished eating & that he was

just worn out but that we had to wait for his dad. She went over to the woman

she was with and it was quite obvious that she was speaking negatively about us.

I am still quite conscious of people forming judgments about me and my children.

But I had to accept the fact that I cannot do a whole lot about it. When I was

learning how to drive, my father got upset with me for paying too much attention

to what the cars behind me were doing. (In this particular case, I had been

concerned about a driver who was stopping really close to my rear bumper) He

said that I was going to have an accident because I was allowing myself to be

distracted by what was going on behind me at a time when I should be giving my

full attention to what's going on in front. He asked me what I could do about

the driver who was crowding my bumper & I realized that there was not much of

anything that I could do in the stop and go traffic.

I think this makes a good analogy for us. Believe me, I know first hand that

it's not easy, but we still need to give our primary attention to our kids and

not to the people around us. If I have an opportunity to explain without taking

anything away from my kids in the process, I do. (And I don't use the autism

label either. Autism is a psychiatric label for what is now known to be

neurological problems. It is a pre-loaded term and so people all too often have

pre-conceived ideas that you have to overcome first. IMO, it's so much easier

to speak in terms of neurological difficulties that we are trying to help them

overcome.) And if I don't have an opportunity to educate people, then I offer

it up to God on the altar of my heart and say a prayer for the person or people

who are unfairly judging me.

I also am reminded of the fable by Aesop about the father & son going to town

with their donkey. They were criticized for the father riding and the son

walking. Then for the son riding and the father walking. Then for both of them

riding. Then for neither of them riding. As the saying goes, 'You can please

some of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all

of the time'. The best you and I can do is keep learning and then do the best

we can with what we've got, right?

~Grace

P.S. The Serenity Prayer is a popular one for difficult situations:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to

change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

[http://www.cptryon.org/prayer/special/serenity.html]

Re: Overlooking social deficits

Hi Grace

I am glad you wrote this mail. I have not let anyone

except my close family know that she is in the

spectrum. The reason is i do not want anyone to label

her or sympathize with her and that she should be

known for as Bhavani rather than " that austistic kid "

.

But it is not always easiest.Recently during my rip to

richmond VA (to see her DAN doctor) we also took a day

or two to see Richmond around and sometimes people can

be nasty about my daughter not behaving.FOr some

reason My daughter was very hyper in the restaurant

where we had breakfast. She would not sit in her

chair, sing loudly and jump up. i tried to calm her

but if you know these kids it can be very dificult

sometimes. Some people in the restaurant were actually

snorting, and acting as if we as parents were not

competitive enough.One mother actually ocmmneted to

her child that " Well you are a well behaved child and

will not act like that kid " . May be she is right in

her place.But I was almost tempted to turn back and

say " yesk lucky she is not autistic " .SO what do we do

in such situtaions.

Lalitha

[Guest guest]

We have the same problem here. It got so bad we stopped taking our son

anywhere. Our therapist suggested a discrete card we could hand out that

simply said " please do not be put off by my child, he is not misbehaving,

he is autistic. to find out more, please go to (it lists a local autism web

site). "

These cards are available here in Canada at local Autism awareness and

support groups, but I am sure they are universal.

Karla

>

>Reply-To: pecanbread

>To: pecanbread

>Subject: Re: Overlooking social deficits

>Date: Sat, 27 Aug 2005 05:18:00 -0700 (PDT)

>

>Hi Grace

>

>I am glad you wrote this mail. I have not let anyone

>except my close family know that she is in the

>spectrum. The reason is i do not want anyone to label

>her or sympathize with her and that she should be

>known for as Bhavani rather than " that austistic kid "

>.

>But it is not always easiest.Recently during my rip to

>richmond VA (to see her DAN doctor) we also took a day

>or two to see Richmond around and sometimes people can

>be nasty about my daughter not behaving.FOr some

>reason My daughter was very hyper in the restaurant

>where we had breakfast. She would not sit in her

>chair, sing loudly and jump up. i tried to calm her

>but if you know these kids it can be very dificult

>sometimes. Some people in the restaurant were actually

>snorting, and acting as if we as parents were not

>competitive enough.One mother actually ocmmneted to

>her child that " Well you are a well behaved child and

>will not act like that kid " . May be she is right in

>her place.But I was almost tempted to turn back and

>say " yesk lucky she is not autistic " .SO what do we do

>in such situtaions.

>

>

>

>Lalitha

>

>

>

>

>

>--- QuoVadis quovadis@...> wrote:

>

> > I do understand that - my father could be very

> > embarrassing to explain to my friends. My oldest

> > son has a real problem with that, too, and it does

> > take a significant amount of effort, but being

> > difficult is not the same as being impossible.

> >

> > I'm not suggesting that you're saying that, either,

> > just that there are parents who do handle it that

> > way. I was dismayed to read an article about a mom

> > who took her child w/AS to Disney world and, when he

> > started messing with the merchandise in a store, she

> > was very proud of the fact that she took the time to

> > explain his behavior to the people in line. But

> > meanwhile, he was still messing up the store. What

> > message was she giving these people as well as her

> > son? " We must be tolerant and understanding; he has

> > AS and can't be expected to control himself. " The

> > thought of people on the spectrum growing up to

> > believe that bit of hopeless condescension is

> > tragic.

> >

> > All of my children struggle in different areas (my

> > daughter has oppositional-defiance symptoms - that's

> > a real party), but even though some things come

> > harder for them, I do not want them to become people

> > who must be endured or ignored. That's an incentive

> > that keeps me fighting the good fight. I will help

> > them over it, but I will not lower the bar for them.

> > And I pray that all parents receive the strength

> > and wisdom they need to deal with this challenging

> > condition.

> >

> > ~Grace

> >

> > [Non-text portions of this message have been

> > removed]

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>____________________________________________________

>Start your day with Yahoo! - make it your home page

>http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs

>

_________________________________________________________________

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