Friends who get weird

[Guest guest]

Sheila, I've had the same experience during the past few months.

What I notice is that it's mainly women who get all tetchy about my

weight loss ( " You're going to stop soon, right? " " You know, your face

is starting to look kind of, well, gaunt... " " Geez, I think you're

smaller than I am now! You'd better stop! " ). I think this happens

because in our society, women tend to judge and compare themselves

constantly with other women on the basis of weight. Because thin is

perceived as beautiful, and because women are (still!) valued for their

beauty, probably more than for their achievements, weight becomes a

very loaded issue.

I think there's a very definite pecking order in any group of women,

with the thinnest and best-looking at the top, and the fattest and

plainest at the bottom. This isn't invariably true, of course, because

sometimes fat women make up for their " low status " by being very witty,

or very loud, or by drawing attention to themselves in other ways. But

by and large, if you've got five women ranging in weight from 120 to

300 pounds (say), the 300-pounder will be the one who feels the least

important, as though she has the least right to participate in the

group, and could be dropped off the bottom at any time.

When this hierarchy is disturbed, women get very upset. No one likes to

feel that their position has been usurped, and so the " upstart " will be

called down, and hints will be dropped that she is not really welcome

in her new position. Women are also taught not to be directly

confrontational, so we tend to direct stinging little barbs toward one

another, rather than slapping our (perceived) competitors in the face

with a glove and challenging them to a duel.

It can all be very confusing to the formerly fat woman, who has never

been in this position before; and I don't think the thin women are

necessarily conscious of their own motivations. This is why many of the

put-downs are delivered with a laugh or a smile.

It's not a nice thing for the formerly fat woman to have to go through,

but I strongly suspect (if my theory holds any water at all!) that

within a few months, the hierarchy will settle into its new pattern,

and the barbs will cease. At least, I hope so!

Take care,

--

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RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

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