RE: The gospel of Ceep, about bounce back (long)

[Guest guest]

the whole quote is " Fate is the hand you are dealt, free will is how

you play your cards. " Which is exactly what you are doing, but for those who

have tried it all, it is time for acceptance. And I will always believe that

for today, we are all doing the best we can. Hus to you Fay Bayuk 300/183

10/23/01 PS your post is so good, another that I will save

[Guest guest]

the whole quote is " Fate is the hand you are dealt, free will is how

you play your cards. " Which is exactly what you are doing, but for those who

have tried it all, it is time for acceptance. And I will always believe that

for today, we are all doing the best we can. Hus to you Fay Bayuk 300/183

10/23/01 PS your post is so good, another that I will save

[Guest guest]

>>> Ease up on yourself and just do the best you can with the hand you have

been dealt.<<<

I do appreciate everyone's thoughts on the bounce back, longer term regain,

doctors excuses or non-information and on and on... I'm personally not ready

to ease up and do the best I can with the hand I've been dealt. I don't

think I should. I think I should be checked for mechanical failure and

baring that I should re-check my eating habits (began that) continue therapy

to dive into my own eating issues / food issues / size issues...

I hesitate to put my numbers because fear of people saying ... " oh, you

should be totally happy with that and oh... that is perfect for your

height... " and stuff like that...

Totally different " head " issue -- the biggest for me besides I just am not

going to " settle " with " less than my goal " unless something prompts me to do

so is my whole cloths / closet thing. It took me at least 2 years to clean

out and clear up my closet and come to " understand " that I could only have

cloths that fit me. That / This is the first time in my life my closet has

not looked like a department store with every size imaginable -- while the

actual #'s in size may differ the point is everything I had left fit me...

for real... that was a HUGE thing for me.

Now, my " baggier " Saturday jeans are tight and my regular slacks don't

fit -- by many accounts here I'm feeling like people are saying I should

" settle " for that and I guess go buy the next size clothing? But they all

fit me perfectly for over a year and I don't want to go buy the next size

clothing and NOT out of vanity but because I want to be in the middle for

once in my life... not loosing... not gaining... just steady. The same.

It's been 3 months now of first an 8lb gain that went up to a 14 lb gain

that came back to 9 lbs (and, I'm not a daily fluctuater when weighing --

it is pretty steady... if it is there it is gain or loss not water)

I did as suggested and waited to weigh again before I weighed in on

this topic and the 14 lbs is there and holding hard and fast.

Would I really care if I could still wear my cloths? Probably not. If the

weight gain stayed steady and I could still zip my pants I probably wouldn't

mind it at all... long as I KNEW it wasn't going to keep climbing.

The " buying " of the next size up cloths is not ok (and I would feel the

same if it was a 4 to a 6 as if it were a 10 to a 12 or whatever...) I just

want to fit into MY cloths. I'm at a point where I refuse to go buy the next

size -- that is WAY too much like the old days of yo-yo dieting -- in my

" mental and emotional " HEALTH I can't go there -- besides I hate to shop --

and I hate trying on -- and when I attempt to do it 99% of the time I have

huge panic attacks (yes, I have a therapist I'm working on this with) but it

is too big of a deal for me.

I didn't even used to get on the scale because I didn't want the numbers to

RULE me -- I had a pair of " fit " jeans that if they were to small I'd slack

up and if they were to big I'd eat/drink more and that's how I kept up with

size... those " fit " jeans " fit " for well over a year so why should I

" settle " and " give in " to the weight gain now?

My head tells me -- it is only 14 lbs and I can loose that (and it was a

whole lot easier to loose or gain 14 - even 20 lbs when I was over 250 lbs

without even noticing it...) that isn't the case now -- Now I have to try to

find something each day that I can put on, zip, and not cut off my blood

supply.

Maybe that sounds frivolous to many here... sorry bout that but it is my

life and my body and the whole fear is that the weight gain won't just stop

at the 14 lbs. so if I go buy new cloths now will I be doing it again in 3

more months and then again in 6 months??? That's how it was for most of my

adult life and that was a big thing I wanted to stop -- at any size, where

ever I landed (and I really didn't have a " size " goal or a clear " weight "

goal...) just where I landed I wanted to " stay there "

I won't accept that I can't stay there -- in one place... it took too long

to get (mentally and emotionally) to a " one place " mediocre train of

thought.... anyway... I'll keep watching the scale every so often and I'll

keep that record, record what I'm eating/drinking and get scoped to rule out

mechanics...

But please... don't say I have to settle for gaining back weight... 14 lbs

this year... maybe another 10 or 15 next year -- maybe 50? Who knows? That's

been my lives work... gaining back... and I just don't want to " go there "

again... and for anyone to say I MUST -- it isn't right.

I feel like I MUST learn how to re-gain control over my own body and I feel

like I MUST do all I can to use my tool (if it ain't broke) to learn to do

that and I feel like I MUST keep working toward that end -- if I am willing

to " settle " now then who knows where the gain will stop? No one... and I

MUST not settle for that.

For those who are longer term and gained back 10 lbs (or whatever) and then

actually STAYED there -- I could live with that if I KNEW I would stay

there -- but I don't know that and please don't tell me to " settle " too soon

in the learning and finding out phase of is the gain just that... a bounce

back? or will it keep going up???

I hope some of that made sense and please don't flame me because I'm not

ready to " settle " and I shouldn't " settle " because all the facts are not in

yet.

hugz,

~denise