Funny

June 8, 2003

This is hilarious! I am printing it out now and giving it to my fiance'.

He is my " Success Coach " for my first challenge and we are doing this

together, so this should be funny (and interesting) to see how close to real

this ariticle is!!! LOL

Thanks for sharing it!!!

Christi

-- Funny

" This is an open letter to all husbands of future potential female

bodybuilders, fitness, and physique competitors... " (from

Peavy).

" Dear poor unsuspecting, excited like a puppy waiting for a dog

biscuit, naïve soul......................... " .

" I know when your wife said she wanted to enter a bodybuilding or

fitness competition your eyes lit up as you imagined yourself

telling your high school buds that yes, you are now married to a

Greek goddess. Or you imagined all those energetic back flips and

splits occurring under your roof. (Note to women: somehow men always

think gymnastics routines can somehow be transferred to the bedroom.

Note to men: You see if she actually… never mind, don't let

something like physics stand in the way of your little dreams.) Or

you just imagined yourself walking into a restaurant with this

deeply tanned woman, wearing a little black dress that had had more

curves it than a country road in the Smokey Mountains and you could

feel the breeze from so many heads turning to see this picture

perfect work of art coming through the door. Please, please cling to

these memories and fantasies. Because my poor, sweet, dear man you

are in for 6-12 weeks of a marital roller coaster.

At first the fun and enthusiasm of working out and eating well will

be invigorating for both of you. You may even enjoy working out

together. Then something rather embarrassing will happen. She will

beat you in a hundred meter dash. You will say, " I had a bad

start. "

She will beat you again and you will go as far as to say, " The

headwind was stronger in my lane than yours. " She will beat you

again and at this point you should say, " You know honey instead

of

running together I think it would be more helpful if I timed you and

watched to make sure you held your form. "

You will exclaim, " Wow, that's great! " when she tells you how

much

she did on the hamstring curl machine. The next day, you nearly tear

your hamstrings trying to make sure you are staying ahead of her on

that.

She will talk about a " cheat day " . Do not be concerned about

her

interest in another man. She does not have the time, energy, or even

the faintest interest in that. She is talking about cheating with a

piece of chocolate or slice of pizza. This will make her a very

happy person on this day. Look forward to cheat days. They make

everybody's life better.

As the competition nears she will try to do something called carb

cutting or carb depletion. This is scarier than it sounds. Something

as innocent sounding as a carb should not cause a big problem.

However let it be known that I believe when they start to clone

women, the main ingredients will probably be carbs. I am sure it is

related to mood stabilization. My guess it is the main feeder fuel

in the female libido. Forget any kind of goat weed or monkey tree,

I'm thinking of taking day old doughnuts and marketing them as

" O "

Rings or day old muffins as Love Muffins.

You will need to practice a few words and remember this will be the

only acceptable part of any dialogue you will have with your wife

for the last two weeks. These phrases are, " Yes, dear, " and

" Man,

you look great, awesome, perfect! "

Her part of the dialogue will go something like, " My butt needs

to

be a little bit tighter. " Now, her buns will be so rock solid

that

you could bounce a quarter off of them and poke your eye out. But no

matter how many times you say, " Man, you look great, awesome,

perfect! " She will hold to this belief.

Now after the contest your phraseology will change depending on if

she wins or loses. Yes, she will only see winning or losing. Second

place will not mean anything to her. So if she wins, the correct

phrase is, " Wow! Those judges sure were tough but they knew

quality

when they saw it. " If she loses, you may choose the words you use

but the message needs to be along the lines of, " You were robbed!

Those judges were blind! "

To establish the final rule I want you to visualize that you are

eleven years old and going to the Baseball Hall of Fame. You are so

excited and you go in and you see everything you've ever dreamed of.

Babe Ruth's uniform, Ted ' bat, Hank 's 715th homerun

ball. Only in the middle of this fantastic trip do you realize that

everything you'd love to touch is in a glass case. You can look but

you cannot touch. This would be great advice just to think about

during that last week before the contest. This is not your wife.

This is a chiseled work of art. A finely tuned racecar. A delicately

balanced piece of machinery. You want to make sure you know what you

are doing before you try putting your fingerprints on this Picasso.

One last piece of advice. When people come up to you and pat you on

the back and say, " Man you are one lucky dude! " Just smile,

nod your

head and say, " Oh yeah, oh yeah! " Look, it's just best to

leave some

mythological fantasies alive. "

June 9, 2003

I'm printing this one tooo!!!!! THANKS!

Danna

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*/*

A hundredth of a second here, a hundredth of a second there

--even if you put them end to end, they still only add up to

one, two, perhaps three seconds, snatched from eternity.

* Doisneau

Ask me about Creative Memories:-)

Danna Ritter - CM Consultant (913) 682-3865

Visit my web-site: http://www.creativememories.com/dannaritter

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