Thanks so much

[Guest guest]

My dear friends,

Thanks so much for your kind words of support. Felicia, Alice, Bonnie,

Ceep and so many others. I'm just blown away with the caring that I feel

from your messages.

It's been a pretty crappy day for me. I'm barely holding on and yet

more and more keeps coming down the chute. Today I went with DH to the

gastro doc (he's still anemic and believe that there must be a bleed

somewhere, but they can't find it.) So now he has to go for a colonoscopy

(which is ok, I expected that) but the doctor also said a liver biopsy. Now

all I have to do is hear the word " biopsy " and my stress goes up 100 times!

For his sake I'm trying not to show how worried I am...but I'm petrified.

After his doctor appt I went to see my pcp on this protein issue. Now I

suppose the good news is that my feet aren't swelling, and I'm getting in

150 grams of protein a day so I'm thinking that's been helping. But damn

this doctor and his instincts. He asked how I was and I said, " Fine! " He

stopped cold, looked at me and asked again....and I melted down. Seems as

though I'm trying to put all my worries in little drawers and doing all I

can to keep these drawers closed.....and they just keep popping open! I

don't have enough hands or feet to hold these drawers closed! So he asked

questions....I cried....he got me calmed down, gave me a big hug and doubled

my anxiety meds!! So maybe, just maybe I'll be able to get some sleep, and

not dwell on these worries all night and day.

As I made my resume up, I realized that this is actually the 3rd time

this has happened to me. The last three jobs I was let go without warning.

So now I wonder....have I been that oblivious? After 3 times..it can't

always be buttheads for bosses. It must be me! The first job I probably

weighed 400 pounds, the second I had my surgery and was around 200 when I

was let go. And then there was now. So I just keep questioning

myself.....I know I must stop....but I can't. I want to shut down, but I

can't. I want to do a million wrong things....and I just keep telling

myself I can't....

I must find what I can do.......

Sue