Re: Aaargh! They just don't get it!!!

November 2, 2002

Vicki A.---YOU are a rock! AND you rock! Keep the faith, girlfrien, 'cause

YOU are going to do this & your life IS worth it!

What an inspirational e-mail. Wow!

Keep the attitude!

Thank you for sharing......

Barb B.

> Ok, I need to vent.

>

> Yesterday was a great day I hit my 130 pound loss mark, had a great

> workout, spent some great quality time with the kids, got lots of

> those pesky errands done, etc. I was pretty proud of myself by days

> end...riding on one of those wonderful pink clouds.

>

> After finishing reading with my girl, I just felt like I wanted to go

> downstairs and give my hubby a big hug and kiss, I felt so good. No

> sooner did I hit the landing than he hit me full face with a barrage

> of accusations and put downs. " You spend too much time going to

> support groups and exercising and not enough time doing laundry and

> dishes. You don't have my priorities straight. blah blah blah blah "

> until he escalated to screaming " you contribute zero to my life,

> you're worth zero "

>

> I was so stunned, I just stood there as tears started to trickle down

> my face. He just doesn't get it.

>

> My health IS my priority. Without it, I would be dead or, at best, a

> lump who constantly said no to my children because I was too sedated

> with food and alcohol and too damned fat to move and breathe at the

> same time.

>

> Our entire family has benefited from my newfound health, physically,

> spiritually, and emotionally. The kid's schoolwork has

> skyrocketed...both are now in GATE (gifted and talented education)

> programs I think as a direct result of the time I spend with them on

> their schoolwork, reading, scouts and sports. My isolation has ended

> and I am now an active part of the communtity and my children are

> learning to give back instead of just consume. Their little bodies

> are strong from eating a more healthy diet. Even my fat Basset is

> getting closer to svelte, and the cat now sleeps with me instead of

> avoiding me!

>

> OK so I didn't get the laundry folded yesterday. Big F deal. You

> know, a little support would have been nice. It would have motivated

> me to do even better. It would have let the love and pride of

> accomplishment spill over into love for my hubby. But he shut me

> down.

>

> All I could think of is " where is this rage coming from? Why is he

> so unreasonably upset over things which, in the scheme of things at

> least in my mind, are trivial? Why isn't he looking at me and

> feeling proud of me? "

>

> You know this is hard. Pre wls I lost 70 pounds eating 1400 cal/day

> plus 4x a week at the gym. I stabilized at 270 and could never get

> lower. I used to read Shape and Self magazines while on the bike and

> I loved to read the success stories. But when I read what they did

> to lose the weight and keep it off, I was invariably discouraged. 1

> hour aerobics 5 times a week/ spinning 4x a week/ weight lifting 45

> min 4x a week/ running 5 miles 3x week. I'd think " I can't do that

> much!! No way in hell!!! I'm killing myself doing one hour 4x week,

> plus eating so little. I can not go the distance. " Well, I didn't.

> I gave up and regained to 370.

>

> Well now I'm 130 down to 240, unchartered territory for me. I eat

> 1000-1200 calories a day. I walk the dogs 1-1 1/2 hours EVERY day.

> I do 15 minutes intense stretching, 30 minutes aerobics and 45

> minutes of weight lifting to fatigue (the point where you can't lift

> anymore, stinging sweat is dripping into your eyes, and your nose is

> running all down your face!!!) 6x a week. I start every morning with

> a 6 am meditation meeting to set my goals and get my head organized.

> It is a lot of work and

>

> I HAVE EARNED AND DESERVE MY SUCCESS!!!!!

>

> You know what, I will not be sabotaged. I am dressed in my gym

> clothes now and am going to take my kids to soccer, then the dogs on

> a long walk with the kids, and then to the gym..He's in the room

> sleeping from being out to 3 a.m. drinking beer and playing darts.

>

> I love my life. I am not worth zero. I respect myself and have

> newfound self-esteem. I am surrounded by people who are cheering me

> on.

>

> He can either talk to me about what's bothering him in a calm and

> sane way, or he can figure it out himself, but either way...

>

> I am going the distance.

>

> Vicki A.

>

Barb B.

November 2, 2002

You GO, girl!

He doesn't understand, never will understand, is not capable of

understanding. That's just how it is with people who don't have " our "

disease. This is an area where you just have to zero HIM out and continue to

focus on yourself. I am so glad that you have the moxie to do that in the

face of no suppurt.

Mine doesn't yell at me or pick fights with me (well, not too much, anyway)

BUT he has never once, in the nearly 14 months since my surgery, offered a

single word of encouragement or a compliment--unless I DIERECTLY solicited

it. And then it would be pretty offhand, just agreeing to whatever I said.

Now maybe that comes from being married to the same guy for 40 years. Or

maybe it comes from him being able to just make up his mind to " cut down "

whenever he gets a few pounds overweight and so he can't see what a BIG DEAL

this really is. Whatever, I never liked being treated like a piece of the

furniture, and now that my self-esteem is better, I like it even less.

Contemplating whether I should just pack up and clear out and start over one

of these days. A whole new life to go with my (weil, it will be new after

some p/s) new body.................

Keep sweatin', Vicki; and I don't mean the small stuff!

Carol A

November 2, 2002

Wow Vickie....that was soooooo inspirational and it also made me realize just

how lucky I am to have the man I have. I got goosebumps reading your post and

it gave me the power to love myself even more. You truly deserve the best life

has to offer and you will find happiness, even if it means getting out of an

abusive relationship.

When I married my husband, I had just lost weight and was down to a normal

weight for one of the first times in my life. Then throug my life, I gained and

gained until I could not stand myself anymore and started on the road to

researching WLS. I had my surgery 3 years ago, and have never regretted a day.

My husband is still my husband of 28 years and has loved me through every moment

of my life with him... fat, less fat and so on. I think everyone deserves to

have that kind of unconditional love, and should never ever settle for less.

Had I not had that kind of love from him, there is no telling where I would have

ended up. I spent many years hiding my depression from him and being my own

worst enemy over my weight. My self-esteem was in the gutter, but not because

of my husband. My self-esteem has skyrocketed now, even though I still have

weight issues, and I am thrilled to feel alive again. I pray that one day you

too will have that in a relationship.

The things you are doing with your life, is just the way life is supposed to be

when you feel good about life. Everyone benefits and stays healthy.

Unfortunately, you cannot change someone who is destined to be miserable and it

sounds like your husband was happy when he had company. Now that you are no

longer miserable and catering to his whims, you may have to look elsewhere for

your positive feedback. Just keep doing what you are doing and don't let a

negative life drag you down.

I post so seldom cause I am about 500 messages behind, but your post grabbed me

by the hair and sparked something inside of me. Good luck to you and your

family.

Donna

Open RNY w/Gallbladder removal 10-1-99

St. Charity Hospital, Cleveland, OH

Dr. Schreiber with a fantastic support program in place.

Hernia repair (Dr. Schreiber) and abdominoplasty (Dr. Vogt) 7/12/01

November 2, 2002

My hsuband and I had some problems that first year or so post-op. We have to

remember that this drastic weight loss is stressful for them too. All of a

sudden they get very insecure because you get some self esteem and they feel

like they are losing the wife they have known for years. Think back to when you

were around a friend that had lost a lot of weight. A common reaction is to

have bad feelings toward them...strange feelings, because you are happy for

them, but not happy for yourself. It always made me feel inferior and start

pulling away from that person. I think our husbands go through the same

emotions, and they too, don't understand what is happening. They don't want to

tell you they are angry at you for losing weight. They may not even realize it

themselves. If they do, they can see that it is a stupid response, but they

feel that way anyway. So, it comes out in some other fashion, laced with

testosterone. And because we feel better about ourselves now, won't take it

anymore and fight back making the situation temporarily even worse. This is why

there is a higher than normal divorce rate among gastric bypass patients.

Hopefully, if you can stick it out, it will get better. It did for us. But

that first year was definitely a roller coaster ride for both of us. Oh, and

let's not forget that our hormones are changing while losing weight quickly

also. So, we do get some of the blame here too.

Good luck to everyone going through this right now. I wish you well and hope

everything works out for you....one way or the other.

Chrissie

shihtzumom@...

http://users.snip.net/~shihtzumom

My WLS Journey:

http://millennium.fortunecity.com/doddington/691/WLS/this_is_me.htm

November 2, 2002

Vicki, I'm so sorry your husband isn't supportive. The only suggestion I

have is to show him your email to us, and hopefully, then he'll get it. But,

just remember, misery loves company. This may sound harsh to some, but I

don't care who they are, never let anyone destroy your spirit. Just know,

we're all here for you.

Hugs,

in NJ

************************************

In a message dated 11/3/2002 2:51:52 AM Eastern Standard Time,

vickiang@... writes:

> After finishing reading with my girl, I just felt like I wanted to go

> downstairs and give my hubby a big hug and kiss, I felt so good. No

> sooner did I hit the landing than he hit me full face with a barrage

> of accusations and put downs. " You spend too much time going to

> support groups and exercising and not enough time doing laundry and

> dishes. You don't have my priorities straight. blah blah blah blah "

> until he escalated to screaming " you contribute zero to my life,

> you're worth zero "

>

November 3, 2002

Vicki,

I truly understand about a non supportive husband. My husband tried to be

supportive at first, but the more weight I lost, the more insecure he became

and the less supportive he has become.

He is so afraid that I am going to find someone I feel is better for me

than him.. we have been married for 24 years and I really dont want a new

mate.. that he says biting remarks about my having gone through surgery and

all the complications,etc.

I know deep down he means well, but his words are sharp and cut deep at

times. I always pray for him to understand how I feel and that the surgeries

I underwent were not about him, but about me and my becoming healthier.

Sometimes I think he has a slight inkling of what I have experienced and how

extremely ill I was, but at other times , I dont think he has a clue as to

how close to death I really came before my last two surgeries.

I hope that your husband becomes supportive, but please know that you are

not alone.. and we are all here to support one another.

You take care

Hugs,

from GA

open RNY 12/12/00

Revision 04/18/01

Revision 02/07/02

St wt.... 392

Cw.......187

Wt loss..-205

November 3, 2002

heh heh heh..you & I have so much in common!

DH & I have been married for 22 years, also. Ditto ditto except I was up to a

size 26/28 and now wear 4/6/8's now.

Ditto...ditto...ditto. I NEVER believe it if he says a word about how I

look! Sometimes, I think that is HOW we made it through all of these years,

he knew what to say and what NOT to say. But, I never doubted his love for

me, fat or thin. *this is the 4th. time that I have made it to goal. I pray

for no regains!*

For me, validation does come from others. I had to respond when I read your

post, it could have been me writing it!

In our marriage though, all has changed, because my DH is very ill and is

already on O2 from emphysema/copd. So,....he gets a little depressed

that...ultimately, he won't be here for me-- for us to grow older together.

Anyway....thanks for that post!

> He loved me when I was big and adores

> me now that I am thin....He always found me attractive...I love him very

> much

> but my problem is that his credibility is shot !!!!

> He complements me constantly...but I am a size 4-6 now....He complemented

> and

> thought I was sexy &desirable when I was a size 22-24....so how can I

> believe him now......

>

Barb B.

November 3, 2002

heh heh heh..you & I have so much in common!

DH & I have been married for 22 years, also. Ditto ditto except I was up to a

size 26/28 and now wear 4/6/8's now.

Ditto...ditto...ditto. I NEVER believe it if he says a word about how I

look! Sometimes, I think that is HOW we made it through all of these years,

he knew what to say and what NOT to say. But, I never doubted his love for

me, fat or thin. *this is the 4th. time that I have made it to goal. I pray

for no regains!*

For me, validation does come from others. I had to respond when I read your

post, it could have been me writing it!

In our marriage though, all has changed, because my DH is very ill and is

already on O2 from emphysema/copd. So,....he gets a little depressed

that...ultimately, he won't be here for me-- for us to grow older together.

Anyway....thanks for that post!

> He loved me when I was big and adores

> me now that I am thin....He always found me attractive...I love him very

> much

> but my problem is that his credibility is shot !!!!

> He complements me constantly...but I am a size 4-6 now....He complemented

> and

> thought I was sexy &desirable when I was a size 22-24....so how can I

> believe him now......

>

Barb B.

November 3, 2002

heh heh heh..you & I have so much in common!

DH & I have been married for 22 years, also. Ditto ditto except I was up to a

size 26/28 and now wear 4/6/8's now.

Ditto...ditto...ditto. I NEVER believe it if he says a word about how I

look! Sometimes, I think that is HOW we made it through all of these years,

he knew what to say and what NOT to say. But, I never doubted his love for

me, fat or thin. *this is the 4th. time that I have made it to goal. I pray

for no regains!*

For me, validation does come from others. I had to respond when I read your

post, it could have been me writing it!

In our marriage though, all has changed, because my DH is very ill and is

already on O2 from emphysema/copd. So,....he gets a little depressed

that...ultimately, he won't be here for me-- for us to grow older together.

Anyway....thanks for that post!

> He loved me when I was big and adores

> me now that I am thin....He always found me attractive...I love him very

> much

> but my problem is that his credibility is shot !!!!

> He complements me constantly...but I am a size 4-6 now....He complemented

> and

> thought I was sexy &desirable when I was a size 22-24....so how can I

> believe him now......

>

Barb B.

November 3, 2002

Chrissie hit the nail on the head. When one person changes in a

relationship (for instance, by losing a lot of weight), the

relationships (among EVERYBODY: spouses, kids, pets) change, by

definition. Change is threatening to thinking animals, including

people. Change forces a person to confront the unknown. That can be

scary. All the more so if the change was caused by somebody else's

actions ( " Vicki had to go and lose weight, and now the whole house is

being turned upside down! Who the Hell asked for this??? " ) And,

yes, " If she has more self-esteem, I lose some of my power over her "

(which means that the terms of the relationship really need examining

and renegotiating).

We have had some support group discussions on this topic. It is

real. It is common. It takes working through. Working through it

is not easy. But, you cannot sweep it under the rug and hope that it

will go away. It won't.

Best of luck, Vicki. You have the right attitude. But, you might

also consider pressing for the mutual work that is needed to set the

relationship on an even keel again.

--Steve

At 6:04 PM -0500 11/2/02, shihtzumom wrote:

>My hsuband and I had some problems that first year or so post-op.

>We have to remember that this drastic weight loss is stressful for

>them too. All of a sudden they get very insecure because you get

>some self esteem and they feel like they are losing the wife they

>have known for years.

November 3, 2002