humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

Here's something to start our week:

" Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If

you're alive, it isn't. "

-- Bach

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You can always spot a well-informed man -- his views are the same as yours.

---Ilka Chase, US actress from the 30s

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" Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your

living room by people you wouldn't have in your home. "

-- Frost

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" I wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a

knob called 'brightness,' but that doesn't work. "

--Anon

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I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause

and remember what life is all about. There was a Great loss recently. Larry

LaPrise, who wrote the song " Hokey Pokey, " died this week at age 83.

It was extremely difficult for the family to keep him in the casket.They'd

put his left leg in and.....well, you know the rest.

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(If you don't like golf, feel free to " play through " these and go to the

next one)

The golfer and the caddy

Golfer: " I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake. "

Caddy: " Think you can keep your head down that long? "

Golfer: " I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. "

Caddy: " Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth. "

Golfer: " Do you think my game is improving? "

Caddy: " Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now. "

Golfer: " Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron? "

Caddy: " Eventually. "

Golfer: " You've got to be the worst caddy in the world. "

Caddy: " I don't think so ma'am. That would be too much of a

coincidence. "

Golfer: " Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's

too much of a distraction. "

Caddy: " It's not a watch - it's a compass. "

Golfer: " How do you like my game? "

Caddy: " Very good ma'am, but personally, I prefer golf. "

Golfer: " Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? "

Caddy: " The way you play, Ma'am, it's a sin on any day. "

Golfer: " This is the worst course I've ever played on. "

Caddy: " This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago. "

Golfer: " That can't be my ball, it's too old. "

Caddy: " It's been a long time since we teed off, Ma'am. "

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HANDY LATIN PHRASES

(courtesy of P. Duffy, ace legal journalist and classical scholar)

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.

It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!

God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.

When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.

Garbage in, garbage out.

Credo nos in fluctu eodem esse.

I think we’re on the same wavelength.

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.

The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.

I can’t hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.

I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis

exponebantur ad necem.

In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept

crags.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.

If Caesar were alive, you’d be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit

materiari?

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.

I’m not interested in your dopey religious cult.

(At a poetry reading)

Nullo metro compositum est.

It doesn’t rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.

I don’t care. If it doesn’t rhyme, it isn’t a poem.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?

How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.

Bad kitty! Why don’t you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.

You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

(At a barbeque)

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?

Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.

I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?

Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur.

Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out