Epistle Part 2

[Guest guest]

PART TWO

from ceep to all:

6. Are you in a long-term relationship?

How long have you been with the same sexual partner? We know that desire

over the long term is like a wave, it rises and recedes, rises and recedes.

In our often sex-demented culture though long-term sexual relationships are

often approached like stats on batting averages-- (gotta be a guy

thing,--grin) the truth is much more generous than that. The idea is that

people who love, show, give pleasure to each other to know one another in

ways that are both sweet, startling and fulfilling-- in ways that words

alone cannot say. That's what we call intimacy. Intimacy is different than

sex. Intimate sex, contains sex. Sex alone does not necessarily contain any

intimacy. (one of the reasons

my grandmother used to say people run away after one-night stands(although

she did not call them that) and never come back is that they are ashamed of

having taken, but not truly given, that their very souls are ashamed.

The most hidden, secret thing about sex that I know about-- the thing that

we all 'discover'--though it would be so much better to be told up front, I

think--is that at some point your body stops leading you to sex (Oh, think

of all the places this has led you to, the body bolting ahead, dragging you

along behind, you screeching, whispering " wait, wait, I don't think this is

such a good idea, but, but, you say you love, need, right now.... but

why....--ay!! And some good places too, but often completely without

foreknowledge) . So, at some point your body stops leading you to sex , and

you begin to have a real relationship with your body, wherein you lead it to

its pleasures; you put it in situations where it will expand, enjoy and be

excited and loving and pleased.

In my work as I have evolved it over the ages (most of you know I have been

a shrink in clinical practice for 31 years) I feel strongly that this is the

difference between one kind of sexuality that often belongs only to the

newly hormonally drowned, and the kind that evolves as the person themselves

evolve into deeper and ever more generous persons. This takes development.

This

takes a new consciousness. This takes making, taking time to plan to 'learn

the body and all its pleasures.' Libido does not just come to us. At some

point, we are to come to it. I feel certain of this. Sensate focus, learning

one's own body anew and learning the body of another comes by resting,

touching, talking, responding. The inhibitions against any of these last

four have to be softened and lowered.

7. Are you on meddies that are known to decrease interest?

Interest as I have said, and as I ask you to entertain this clearly as an

idea in your own life, is not a lightning strike that happens to

you --unless you are in a 'sudden, intense-oh my god I never had sex before,

or I never had sex with THIS person before, situation. Interest comes from

exposure to

thinking good thoughts, to feeling fully in one's body, to being willing to

take full pleasure and to give full pleasure too to another person's body

also.

You here on list have known me for a long time, and you know I see the body

differently than most: I see it as a separate entity, as a consort and as a

friend to have a relationship with, rather than as the self alone, or as a

thing that is constantly needing something, or else constantly acting up, or

as semi-wooden thing that burdens us or just carries us around.

I think that SSRI's do have a tamping down effect on pervasive thought--that

means thoughts that are thought somewhat obsessively, over and over again.

Part of being lifted out of depression cognitively appears to be the great

lessening of " bad thoughts' or dark thoughts about oneself, one's

life, one's worry about other's lives or about one's own. May I suggest that

sexual thoughts are also pervasive over and over again thoughts. The

intermediation of pervasive thoughts by medications would not know how to

choose between one type of thought and another.

So, we have had success with teaching people on any of the anti-depressants

to create the time and place for sexual thought and immersion, and this in

most cases works just fine, and surprisingly so, perhaps because the focus

is on pleasure rather than on " interest " , many persons say they are having

the best sex of their lives. So, it is true that Wellbutrin is considered

the latest drug that has more help and less side effects of some other

drugs, the truth seems to be this, that while one may add Welbutrin, or any

other number of drugs, the individual " cocktail " is still personal to each

body. Zoloft, Paxil, Prozac, Xanax, and others are good to go, depending on

the person.

If a person on anti-depressants suddenly becomes non-orgasmic and has had a

long history of being strongly and easily orgasmic; OR if a man cannot have

an erection or maintain one for a reasonable time (mostly measured by what

*he* thinks is a reasonable time--within reason) This issue is called

" restoration of sexual function. " This is different than sexual interest and

pleasuring. If " restoration of sexual function. " is at issue, seeing about a

change of drug brand of type is possible and most often productive.

However, at the same time, I would say too that there are also sexual

techniques that can be used for person's who have nerve damage, as in

paraplegia, for instance, that can also be learned if the person cannot be

moved to another meddie at this time. The idea underlying is to show and

express love and tenderness and pleasure, to let people have that certain

eye contact afterward that says I love, and I am cared for...

Sorry if this has become the message that ate Toledo. There is so much more

to be said, like about " roll and poke " sex, one of the most disheartening

kinds for many women's libidos; how people can overcome their inhibitions

about telling/ talking about what gives them pleasure, sensate focus

experimentation---there is so much matter and spirit to the precious body.

We are all so lucky to have such a good soul as the body to accompany us

through life--- and I say this as one who was born with a frail body, who

has had many right-angle turns in health along the way. I still feel lucky,

and I

still feel certain that this old body knows the way. She guides me. I

nourish her.

love,

ceep G-MOM