>Aletta - Belinda's valid points

[Guest guest]

Belinda, you made some valid points which I'd like to expand

on.

We should, as women not have to be afraid to relay experiences, on

the basis that they will cause knee-jerk reactions in doctors who

will ascribe our very real symptoms to psychological disturbances caused

by these experiences. I ended up finding myself afraid to mention

them, although I knew as someone trained in psychology and physiology

that it is relevant to illnesses somatic and non-somatic.

So since I am in one of my forthright moods:

I was sexually abused by my grandmother's husband and my grandmother

before age five - I told my father, who believed me and acted as my

protector, putting a stop to the abuse and validating my experience - I

got over it - learned that telling the truth is how to handle it - I

dealt with it and moved on

I was raped by a friend of my mother's at age 12 - I told her, she

told me I just didn't want her to have friends - I learned that not

everyone will believe you - I left home, and that is why I have only a

courteous relationship with mother - I dealt with it and moved on

I was raped twice while married - knew from previous experience

someone like my husband would not deal well with it - decided to just not

tell, it festered I was attacked again in 1987 a month after my first heart attack, I

was sick, this guy had witnessed me passing out earlier that evening -

enough was enough, he was charged, jumped bail and now lives out of reach

in California - I sued the hotel where it happened (owned by his

parents), I won but only my lawyer ended up with any money - while at the

hospital undergoing the rape kit, the doctor expressed the opinion that

attractive women were just asking for it - I ran from the hospital in the

hospital gown, two RCMP right behind me, they were wonderful, I went back

to ER, the doctor refused to continue, the nurse completed the kit.

The nurse reported the doctor and his licence was taken. He left to

practice in another province. From there on in my marriage

disintegrated. I learned that telling the truth may not help you

beyond feeling good about yourself. - I dealt with it and moved on

The NIH has done studies that show illness is frequently missed in

abused and formerly abused women because they have learned to not let

on. That should make a doctor more likely to investigate symptoms

in women who have experienced abuse, instead they do the reverse,

believing that these women crave attention, or that they relate their

symptoms 'the same' as everyone else.

I fear being ill because it sets me up to be a victim, that has a lot to

do with my unwillingness to use a cane or wheelchair in public. I know I

have had trauma in my life. I asked my shrink repeatedly if it was

not psychological, so he could just pleeeeze give me something for it, so

I could move on. He told me it was neurological, and that he too

was sick of doctors who cannot admit when they simply don't know.

As women we should not have to feel that we will automatically be

belittled if we reveal unpleasant truths about ourselves. The best

way to deal with trauma is to trust someone with your story as many times

as you need to move on. Instead I find myself concerned that if

they learn of my past abuse history they will make 'poor little you'

assumptions. Perhaps you can imagine how it felt to have two false

positive Aids tests given my history, and the fear it put in me, not

wanting to tell my husband. At least the rape kit put that to

rest. Men rape the women of their enemies in war because it

demoralizes the enemy, men reject their tainted wives and daughters,

because it damages 'their' manhood. So as women generation after

generation we bore those crosses in silence, and all to often still

do.

I never had the option of being a virgin. I felt tainted, used and

unworthy (because the bible told me so, and other socially induced

pressures and dogma). Thank God, for the sixties, where all were

accepted, everyone for who they were. It was a time I was able to

learn that sex did not equal rape, that sex was optional, that love was

the highest human state, and virginity was not and aspiration (as it is

again now.) Fortunately I met a man (actually met a few), who

thought I was worth knowing, men without agendas or absurd

expectations. That man was a doctor, a talented internist with the

greatest respect of each of his patients individually. He

specialized in terminal illness. No patient of his ever died alone,

or in pain. He had the incredible ability to make you feel fully

worthy, because he believed utterly that everyone was worthy.

This remarkable man never eased up helping his patients even in face of

knowing he could not heal a single one of them. He is where I

measure doctors to; because I know and have witnessed that it can be

done. He never lost his sense of fun and humour.

I don't bash doctors, some of my favourit epeople were and are

doctors. However, biggots and other vermin can go to school

and get the MD or PHD like veryone else, and people who have MD or PHD

designations can become tainted by their experiences at any point in

time. The designation alone does not make a good or bad doctor,

just allows them to become licensed.

After reading this, don't tell me how sad this must be for me. It

was, it is not now. I like my life, I like where I have come

to. I'd like not to be sick. I've gotten over it, learned

from it and moved on. Why is it others won't let you?

At Saturday 5/25/02 06:08 PM, you wrote:

Aletta,

Thank you.

God bless,

Belinda

aletta mes

vancouver, bc Canada

web:

http://aletta.0catch.com