Hold on and try to enjoy the ride!

[Guest guest]

Thanks everybody for your support. I've thought a lot about what

effects this journey of ours has on our relationships. When I'm very

honest, I have to admit that looking back over the past 12 years I've

known my husband, and even longer with my biological family, I have

built my relationships with significant others while coming from a

sick and skewed place.

For all of the time my husband has known me, I have been over the top

with eating, drinking, my personality.....He's seen me countless time

get gung ho on something, storm through our lives like a whirlwind

changing everything, only to give up on it and revert to past

unhealthy behaviors. Before my wls, he saw me isolate everyday at

4p.m. and veg out on the TV and the food du jour. He came to expect

that every time he asked me to do something, I would say no. He also

got used to the outburts and the erratic emotions.

Now I'm getting healthy. I plan on going the distance, and I've not

only changed my eating behaviors, but again have flown through our

lives changing vitually everything from when we sleep, how we spend

our free time, when and what we eat, where we go on vacation, etc..

you name it. I talk differently. No more arguements, more like

conversation. He's puzzled. Sometimes he'll say something and he'll

expect me to resist. When I am easy going and say OK, he gets kind

of nervous like...does she really mean it or is it a trick and I'm

being set up? I've totally changed how I view myself and life, and

have become much more spiritual. We never, ever have talked about

spirituality and all of a sudden he occassionally hears me say

the " G " word.

Imagine if you are living with a person for years and they come home

one day and proclaim that they are Hari Krishna and a vegan and we

must totally divest ourselves of life as we knew it!!! What the hell

are you talking about?????

The thing is, I have a goal. I have a plan. I have a vision which

guides me and motivates me in a certain direction. I have seriously

rocked the boat for my entire family. Poor hubby is holding on to

the sides of the boat, not knowing when the storm will end, no idea

where we are going and clueless about what to expect when we get

there.

He says he feels like he never knows what to expect when he walks in

the door. He not sure if he'll come home to see me making a protein

shake or munching down a 5lb. bag of 75% off Halloween candy!!

The point with us is that hubby holds it in and then explodes. Not

uncommon amongst humans, but a behavior which can certainly be

modified. We have laid down the law now that personal attacks are

unacceptable. Not only must we maintain respect for each other during

this process so that we can grow in a positive direction (rather than

create resentments and pulverize the relationship), but just as

importantly, the kids need to see that adults can disagree and work

out differences while maintaining love and respect for each other(and

that abusive behavior should never be tolerated by anyone).

Relationships with other family members are changing too. When I was

locked into my compulsive behaviors, I was easily entertained by my

own resentments or those of others. Now that I don't let

resentments, anger and fear rob me of my energy (giving into those is

a direct path to isolation and overeating for me) I find that I am

unwilling or uninterested in having conversations with people about

that stuff. For example, I now realize my relationship with my

mother is based, for large part, on my commismiration with her on

what a s.o.b. my Dad is, from whom she has been divorced for 32

years. One of our " favorite " things to do was talk about his faults,

those of his wife and anyone else who was in the dog house at that

time. In honesty, I allowed this to go on because she thought she

had an ally in me and I enjoyed being the favorite child.

Now, I just can't go there with her. But why would she think, after

all these years of me validating her, that my head would be

screaming " grow up and forget about it already!!? I need to figure

out how to buid a new relationship based on the positive. For the

moment I have awkward silences where I honestly just don't know what

to say to her when she's on a roll.

It will take time. The first step is for me to realize that I am

reaping what I have sown. (that does not mean to roll over and let

people walk on me, only to recognize my part in things).

Who would have predicted this surgery would lead to so much change?

We often say wls is not brain surgery, but sometimes I just gotta

wonder.

Smiles to all.

Vicki A.