humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

Found in a fortune cookie:

" You are a poor, pathetic, gullible fool who seeks advice from bakery

products. "

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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.

So I got two girlfriends.

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In his Sunday sermon, the minister used " Forgive Your Enemies " as his

subject. After his sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their

enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied, the minister spoke passionately to the congregation about

love and forgiveness for another 20 minutes and then he repeated the

question. He got about 80 percent and then spoke again for another 15

minutes. Polling the congregation one more time, he got all hands to rise

except for one old lady in the back.

" Mrs. , are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "

" I don't have any. "

" Mrs. , that is very wonderful, " he beamed. " How old are you? "

" Ninety-six. "

" What a wonderful example you are to all of us, Mrs. . Please come

down here and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 96 and

still not have an enemy in the world. "

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the

congregation, and blurted out, " I outlived the sons of bitches! "

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Shakespearian Insult Kit (for all fobbing, hedgeborn bugbears)

Next time that you are at a loss for a good insult, use this handy table to

construct a Shakespearean insult. Combine one word from each of the three

columns below, and preface it with the word " Thou " :

|___Column_1___|____Columm_2____|____Column_3____|

| artless | base-court | apple-john |

| bawdy | bat-fowling | baggage |

| beslubbering | beef-witted | barnacle |

| bootless | beetle-headed | bladder |

| churlish | boil-brained | boar-pig |

| cockered | clapper-clawed | bugbear |

| clouted | clay-brained | bum-bailey |

| craven | common-kissing | canker-blossom |

| currish | crook-pated | clack-dish |

| dankish | dismal-dreaming| clotpole |

| dissembling | dizzy-eyed | coxcomb |

| droning | doghearted | codpiece |

| errant | dread-bolted | death-token |

| fawning | earth-vexing | dewberry |

| fobbing | elf-skinned | flap-dragon |

| froward | fat-kidneyed | flax-wench |

| frothy | fen-sucked | flirt-gill |

| gleeking | flap-mouthed | foot-licker |

| goatish | fly-bitten | fustilarian |

| gorbellied | folly-fallen | giglet |

| impertinent | fool-born | gudgeon |

| infectious | full-gorged | haggard |

| jarring | guts-griping | harpy |

| loggerheaded | half-faced | hedge-pig |

| lumpish | hasty-witted | horn-beast |

| mammering | hedge-born | hugger-mugger |

| mangled | hell-hated | joithead |

| mewling | idle-headed | lewdster |

| paunchy | ill-breeding | lout |

| pribbling | ill-nurtured | maggot-pie |

| puking | knotty-pated | malt-worm |

| puny | milk-livered | mammet |

| qualling | motley-minded | measle |

| rank | onion-eyed | minnow |

| reeky | plume-plucked | miscreant |

| roguish | pottle-deep | moldwarp |

| ruttish | pox-marked | mumble-news |

| saucy | reeling-ripe | nut-hook |

| spleeny | rough-hewn | pigeon-egg |

| spongy | rude-growing | pignut |

| surly | rump-fed | puttock |

| tottering | shard-borne | pumpion |

| unmuzzled | sheep-biting | ratsbane |

| vain | spur-galled | scut |

| venomed | swag-bellied | skainsmate |

| villainous | tardy-gaited | strumpet |

| warped | tickle-brained | varlet |

| wayward | toad-spotted | vassal |

| weedy | unchin-snouted | whey-face |

| yeasty | weather-bitten | wagtail |