I think you're right about spousal jealousy being an instinct...

[Guest guest]

....but our lives are full of instincts, and we (mostly) control them,

right?

Still, I think it's on the same level as the " pack mentality " I was

talking about -- not something conscious that we do, but just a way we

react when we feel that our most intimate relationships might possibly

be threatened.

> It doesn't matter what you see when you look at yourself, or what you

> know to

be your motives--others are reacting to their *projections* onto

you--that may or may not have anything to do with you.

Yes, exactly. And the more insecure a person is in their intimate

relationship, or the more their spouse has given them cause for concern

in the past, the more worried they're going to get. We can't know that

history, so I try really hard not to take it personally.

> Over the years, I have learned to try to deal with these matters by

> calling most men and women I meet, " brother " and " sister, " in order

> to establish clearly what I am thinking about THEM and how I expect

> THEM to treat me in return. Brothers, for instance, can appreciate

> that their sisters are attractive, can tease with them, laugh with

> them, be appreciated in return, but know to take their interests in

> anything more than that, elsewhere. This is not a perfect strategy,

> but it is far better than not having one at all.

I agree, but I had to chuckle slightly. A couple of my acquaintance

nearly broke up over this one, as the husband and another woman

developed a " platonic friendship " that went far beyond the bounds of

what any friendship should have. The kicker was that the two of them

used to refer to one another as " siblings " ; this was intended to throw

others off-track, so that no one would notice what was really going on.

When the wife found out, she commented to me that if this was their

idea of how siblings conducted themselves, she was glad she hadn't

grown up in *their* families!

Sorry, this is getting waaaaaay O/T here. Ahem. Back to the business at

hand. Um...there's a guy at my gym who seems to have developed a crush

on me, but only since I lost weight. My husband and I refer to him as

my boyfriend -- this guy does things like put my mat and weights away

for me before I have a chance to do so...it's kind of sad, actually,

because I'm absolutely no different now than I was a year (and 139

lbs.) ago. But again, it seems to be human nature. Go figure.

Take care,

--

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RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

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