Friends who get weird

[Guest guest]

I've had this reaction lately too. And I'm a little sensitive about it. No

one has openly said anything to me but I have noticed a certain ice in the

air if I so much as talk to friends' husbands. Now my thoughts, as a fairly

successful and somewhat attractive woman even at 300+ pounds, is if I did

want to have a man in my life someday, it wouldn't be YOUR husband! I figure

I've made it this far in life on my own, I am not going to screw it up now.

And the funny thing is these are all women at church who supposedly know I

wouldn't go that route anyway...nor would their husbands. Why are they so

threatened? Hopefully, they will come to understand that I am not on the

prowl just want to be healthy.

I can really relate to this conversation. Only this past week my very best

friend who has been so supportive through all of this said something

like...well you don't want to lose anymore in your face you're getting too

thin. Now I'm thinking..honey I still have another 70 pounds to go and I

don't really care where it comes off. My other friend asked me a few weeks

ago if I was going to get married now... like losing weight is for the

benefit of some non-existent man in my life. I'm 49 and have never been

married, going the career route. I just laughed and told her I didn't feel

an overwhelming need in my life to do THAT just because I was losing weight.

I'm not opposed to a great relationship but its not the main focus of my

attention as all the women I know seem to think it should be. I just don't

get the connection between the two. Am I nuts or what?

Martha H

Re: Re: Friends who get weird

>

>

> I find myself

> feeling quite a bit more sassy about things these days instead of

> apologizing

> for sucking oxygen off the face of the earth.

> B

>

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've had this reaction lately too. And I'm a little sensitive about it. No

one has openly said anything to me but I have noticed a certain ice in the

air if I so much as talk to friends' husbands. Now my thoughts, as a fairly

successful and somewhat attractive woman even at 300+ pounds, is if I did

want to have a man in my life someday, it wouldn't be YOUR husband! I figure

I've made it this far in life on my own, I am not going to screw it up now.

And the funny thing is these are all women at church who supposedly know I

wouldn't go that route anyway...nor would their husbands. Why are they so

threatened? Hopefully, they will come to understand that I am not on the

prowl just want to be healthy.

I can really relate to this conversation. Only this past week my very best

friend who has been so supportive through all of this said something

like...well you don't want to lose anymore in your face you're getting too

thin. Now I'm thinking..honey I still have another 70 pounds to go and I

don't really care where it comes off. My other friend asked me a few weeks

ago if I was going to get married now... like losing weight is for the

benefit of some non-existent man in my life. I'm 49 and have never been

married, going the career route. I just laughed and told her I didn't feel

an overwhelming need in my life to do THAT just because I was losing weight.

I'm not opposed to a great relationship but its not the main focus of my

attention as all the women I know seem to think it should be. I just don't

get the connection between the two. Am I nuts or what?

Martha H

Re: Re: Friends who get weird

>

>

> I find myself

> feeling quite a bit more sassy about things these days instead of

> apologizing

> for sucking oxygen off the face of the earth.

> B

>

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh man, I almost choked to death on my protein shake...thank you for the

belly laugh...

I've found that even though I'm not all that and a bag of chips, the women

around me are suddenly jealous of the platonic friendships I've had for

YEARS with their husbands. It drives me batsh*t that suddenly 160lbs later,

I'm a threat. One of them was honest enough to say.. " not that i'd wish the

weight on anyone.. but it was easier before... "

Ironically, they've all seen my massive amounts of skin, and how

unattractive my lower body is flapping around in a bathing suit, and feel

better about themselves. I wonder what will happen when I have PS and that

puddle of skin that forms around me when I sit disappears? Some of them are

even making jealous noises about that, and my response is now what another

poster on the PS list said recently... " You too can need/have plastic

surgery.. just gain and lose 160 lbs " .

crankily,

http://www.eradain.com/apoplexy

Re: Re: Friends who get weird

I find myself

feeling quite a bit more sassy about things these days instead of

apologizing

for sucking oxygen off the face of the earth.

B

[Guest guest]

Oh man, I almost choked to death on my protein shake...thank you for the

belly laugh...

I've found that even though I'm not all that and a bag of chips, the women

around me are suddenly jealous of the platonic friendships I've had for

YEARS with their husbands. It drives me batsh*t that suddenly 160lbs later,

I'm a threat. One of them was honest enough to say.. " not that i'd wish the

weight on anyone.. but it was easier before... "

Ironically, they've all seen my massive amounts of skin, and how

unattractive my lower body is flapping around in a bathing suit, and feel

better about themselves. I wonder what will happen when I have PS and that

puddle of skin that forms around me when I sit disappears? Some of them are

even making jealous noises about that, and my response is now what another

poster on the PS list said recently... " You too can need/have plastic

surgery.. just gain and lose 160 lbs " .

crankily,

http://www.eradain.com/apoplexy

Re: Re: Friends who get weird

I find myself

feeling quite a bit more sassy about things these days instead of

apologizing

for sucking oxygen off the face of the earth.

B

[Guest guest]

Oh man, I almost choked to death on my protein shake...thank you for the

belly laugh...

I've found that even though I'm not all that and a bag of chips, the women

around me are suddenly jealous of the platonic friendships I've had for

YEARS with their husbands. It drives me batsh*t that suddenly 160lbs later,

I'm a threat. One of them was honest enough to say.. " not that i'd wish the

weight on anyone.. but it was easier before... "

Ironically, they've all seen my massive amounts of skin, and how

unattractive my lower body is flapping around in a bathing suit, and feel

better about themselves. I wonder what will happen when I have PS and that

puddle of skin that forms around me when I sit disappears? Some of them are

even making jealous noises about that, and my response is now what another

poster on the PS list said recently... " You too can need/have plastic

surgery.. just gain and lose 160 lbs " .

crankily,

http://www.eradain.com/apoplexy

Re: Re: Friends who get weird

I find myself

feeling quite a bit more sassy about things these days instead of

apologizing

for sucking oxygen off the face of the earth.

B

[Guest guest]

Vicki, not *all* my friends have responded this way -- in fact, the

people to whom I'm closest have been very supportive and kind. I'm just

trying to describe a dynamic that seems to be very common among women.

I notice it particularly among more casual acquaintances, particularly

the people I see in the school yard when I'm dropping my daughter off

and picking her up each day.

Actually, I was pretty sick after my surgery too (nicked vein in liver,

nearly bled to death, took a long time to regain strength), and so

there are still many people who only knew that a) I had surgery last

fall, I was very ill, c) I lost a lot of weight. From these pieces

of info, they decided I must have had cancer or something equally

horrific...so I used to get these sad, sympathetic smiles, until I

figured out what the heck *that* was all about! LOL

Take care,

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

Vicki, not *all* my friends have responded this way -- in fact, the

people to whom I'm closest have been very supportive and kind. I'm just

trying to describe a dynamic that seems to be very common among women.

I notice it particularly among more casual acquaintances, particularly

the people I see in the school yard when I'm dropping my daughter off

and picking her up each day.

Actually, I was pretty sick after my surgery too (nicked vein in liver,

nearly bled to death, took a long time to regain strength), and so

there are still many people who only knew that a) I had surgery last

fall, I was very ill, c) I lost a lot of weight. From these pieces

of info, they decided I must have had cancer or something equally

horrific...so I used to get these sad, sympathetic smiles, until I

figured out what the heck *that* was all about! LOL

Take care,

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

>>

>I think there's a very definite pecking order in any group of women,

>with the thinnest and best-looking at the top, and the fattest and

>plainest at the bottom. This isn't invariably true, of course, because

>sometimes fat women make up for their " low status " by being very witty,

>or very loud, or by drawing attention to themselves in other ways. But

>by and large, if you've got five women ranging in weight from 120 to

>300 pounds (say), the 300-pounder will be the one who feels the least

>important, as though she has the least right to participate in the

>group, and could be dropped off the bottom at any time.

>

>When this hierarchy is disturbed, women get very upset. No one likes to

>feel that their position has been usurped, and so the " upstart " will be

>called down, and hints will be dropped that she is not really welcome

>in her new position.

WOW, this is a really interesting observation. I never thought about it that way

before, but it is absolutely true. It rings true for me in thinking about many

experiences I had in the 1-2 years postop, but ESPECIALLY in the first year. I

lost almost all of my weight in about 10 months, so people (women) around me had

a great deal of trouble adjusting. I was head of an organization with many

female staff, and it pretty much exploded since the power balance shifted so

dramatically. (I definitely do not work there anymore.)

Boy o boy I am gonna have fun in my head thinking more about this. Thanks so

much.

::::Head spinning::::

hugs,

Ann

[Guest guest]

Ann, I think I'm lucky in that I *don't* work outside the home right

now. I'm a writer, which means a lot of time spent hunched over this

computer in the basement; and when I do emerge, it's not to work on a

daily basis with my colleagues, but to do things like book signings and

stuff. I also conduct a lot of my business by phone.

When I did pay a visit back to my old workplace, the women there first

didn't recognize me *at all*, and then were very congratulatory. I got

a lot of questions, and a lot of comments about how much better I look

now. I strongly suspect, though, that if I'd been working there during

my weight loss, the story would have been quite different. Don't get me

wrong -- these ladies are great, and I have utmost respect for them,

but I think it's kind of a visceral thing, not something that is

thought out and planned.

And I think, too, that it might be one of the subtle things that

undermines weight loss in women doing it the " regular " way -- you can

only be told by your " pack " so often that they resent your move from

the bottom to nearer the " alpha " position, before you start to wonder,

" Was this all worth it? " Since rebound weight gain is so easy to do

anyway, it strikes me that this could be one factor that might help tip

the balance. If you're feeling isolated and rejected, it's a lot easier

to reach for the Doritos, right?

I know that even now, as I'm sitting here typing in my size S shirt and

size 8 jeans, I feel like a pretender. I'm not used to my body enough

to feel confident in it yet, to feel, " Yes, this is where I belong,

this is what I look like. How easy would it have been, then, to have

been undermined in that way -- especially when my grasp on my new

eating habits was so tenuous to begin with? I do feel less vulnerable

right now, but that's a factor of the surgery, not anything about me.

(Well, okay, it's about how I make my pouch work, but I've got a pretty

good grasp of that, and it would be harder to shake that than it was to

shake me loose from, say, one of my Weight Watchers programs.)

Geez...as I write this, I'm starting to think...maybe there's a book in

here somewhere!

Anyway, glad you found some food for thought in it.

Take care,

> WOW, this is a really interesting observation. I never thought about

> it that way before, but it is absolutely true. It rings true for me in

> thinking about many experiences I had in the 1-2 years postop, but

> ESPECIALLY in the first year. I lost almost all of my weight in about

> 10 months, so people (women) around me had a great deal of trouble

> adjusting. I was head of an organization with many female staff, and

> it pretty much exploded since the power balance shifted so

> dramatically. (I definitely do not work there anymore.)

>

> Boy o boy I am gonna have fun in my head thinking more about this.

> Thanks so much.

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

Ann, I think I'm lucky in that I *don't* work outside the home right

now. I'm a writer, which means a lot of time spent hunched over this

computer in the basement; and when I do emerge, it's not to work on a

daily basis with my colleagues, but to do things like book signings and

stuff. I also conduct a lot of my business by phone.

When I did pay a visit back to my old workplace, the women there first

didn't recognize me *at all*, and then were very congratulatory. I got

a lot of questions, and a lot of comments about how much better I look

now. I strongly suspect, though, that if I'd been working there during

my weight loss, the story would have been quite different. Don't get me

wrong -- these ladies are great, and I have utmost respect for them,

but I think it's kind of a visceral thing, not something that is

thought out and planned.

And I think, too, that it might be one of the subtle things that

undermines weight loss in women doing it the " regular " way -- you can

only be told by your " pack " so often that they resent your move from

the bottom to nearer the " alpha " position, before you start to wonder,

" Was this all worth it? " Since rebound weight gain is so easy to do

anyway, it strikes me that this could be one factor that might help tip

the balance. If you're feeling isolated and rejected, it's a lot easier

to reach for the Doritos, right?

I know that even now, as I'm sitting here typing in my size S shirt and

size 8 jeans, I feel like a pretender. I'm not used to my body enough

to feel confident in it yet, to feel, " Yes, this is where I belong,

this is what I look like. How easy would it have been, then, to have

been undermined in that way -- especially when my grasp on my new

eating habits was so tenuous to begin with? I do feel less vulnerable

right now, but that's a factor of the surgery, not anything about me.

(Well, okay, it's about how I make my pouch work, but I've got a pretty

good grasp of that, and it would be harder to shake that than it was to

shake me loose from, say, one of my Weight Watchers programs.)

Geez...as I write this, I'm starting to think...maybe there's a book in

here somewhere!

Anyway, glad you found some food for thought in it.

Take care,

> WOW, this is a really interesting observation. I never thought about

> it that way before, but it is absolutely true. It rings true for me in

> thinking about many experiences I had in the 1-2 years postop, but

> ESPECIALLY in the first year. I lost almost all of my weight in about

> 10 months, so people (women) around me had a great deal of trouble

> adjusting. I was head of an organization with many female staff, and

> it pretty much exploded since the power balance shifted so

> dramatically. (I definitely do not work there anymore.)

>

> Boy o boy I am gonna have fun in my head thinking more about this.

> Thanks so much.

--

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

[Guest guest]

I think there are some friends that are really your friend cuz they are

insecure with themselves, and they think they look better to others if they

are with you.

My EX best freinds first reaction when I told her about my surgery...was

this.... " You cant do that...You will be PRETTIER than me if you do... "

She came to see me the night of my surgery in the hospital...and that was the

last time she made any efforts to be a friend to me...its been a year and a

half now...I miss her, but know she was one of those TOXIC people that cant

be strong on their own.

I ahve learned its better to be alone than just with someone for the sake of

being with someone if they are going to be bad for you and drag you down. And

this includes men and friends too.

Im glad im not the only one that has been experiencing these things. I keep

focusing on all the new beginnings....not dwelling on the ends.

Huggz to all...

Becky

Ocala, Florida

Lap RNY 5/16/01

-124 lbs

[Guest guest]

For the most part my friends were very supportive of my decision to have

WLS. My one opponent was, who I thought at the time to be one of my

closest friends. She gave me so much grief over having the surgery that

I finally told her that I wasn't looking for her approval, just her

support and if she couldn't provide that then maybe we shouldn't be

around eachother anymore. I have to do what I have to do.

Here I am almost 3 years later and I hardly see her at all. She has her

own weight issues and it's very hard for her to be around me. I used to

be the fat one of the two of us, which gave her more confidence somehow.

I missed her very much in the beginning, but finally accepted the fact

that this was her problem not mine.

As for my other friends, I couldn't ask for a bigger cheering section.

As a matter of fact, when my friend turned 30 (12 years ago), her

husband bought her a black leather three piece outfit, skirt, bustier

and bolera jacket in a size 12. Back then I was a size 22/24. I will be

40 in January and asked my friend if I could try on that outfit to wear

for my 40th and she was more than happy to pull it out and dust it off

and bring it to my house and it fit. Now I can dress like a whore for

the first time in my life!!!!! By the way, she is now a size 18/20 and

couldn't be happier for me.

Well have to go. Being admitted to the hospital for the phlebitis

infection from hell that refuses to go away. Putting me on IV

antibiotics (just what I want, another freakin' IV) until Wednesday and

will make a decision whether to perform an irrigation and drainage. I

made them wait until I could get the kids off the bus and situated and

so that I wouldn't miss a day of school. The doctors and the hospital

have been quite accomodating, considering they're the reason why I'm

going back in. Wish me luck.

Regards,

Regina Block