Guest guest Posted September 23, 2002 Report Share Posted September 23, 2002 You have all been discussing changes in friends since surgery....I have had a major problem with my mother. I told my mother I was having the surgery and she said you are absolutly not having it....well I am of age and told her it was my decision. My mother is the type to research everything, so I thought if she was educated about the surgery she would change her mind. I gave her lots of websites to go to...she never researched it. She had a friend who had the surgery years before that had gained all her weight back. My mother wears a size 6 or 8 but has stuggled all her life with her weight and has gone up to much larger sizes. Now 2 1/2 years later, my mother has seen my weight loss. At one point I was really proud of myself because I had finally fit into a size 8, and told her I had just bought a size 8...she looked at me and said you don't wear an 8...it really hurt my feelings. Now at 2 1/2 years post-op I have had a some re-gain. I told my mother that I was trying to lose the weight I had gained...her comment was that..that was how it had started for her friend and she gained it all back. Now every time I see my mother she makes some comment about what I am eating...or you are eating too much...or are you exercising...because you know it would really be a shame if you gained all that weight back after everything you have been through. It's almost like she wants to say I told you so. So...with friend you walk away and find a better support system...what do you do about your own mother? Karla Hook Dr. Provost 4/7/00 261/158 (want to get back down to 143 my lowest weight) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2002 Report Share Posted September 23, 2002 > So...with friend you walk away and find a better support > system...what do you do about your own mother? Dear Karla, As a mom I truly feel for you and your mother. What you can do is distance yourself and if you feel like explaining why... do it in a simple letter that explains if she can't support and be positive about the goals you've achieved in your life then you can't be around her a lot because it drags you down. Leave it at that -- the ball is in her park if she wants to " see " her own behavior or not. There have been times I have had to distance myself from my mother (other reasons but same principle) and times she has distanced herself from me -- doesn't mean we don't love each other but at times mothers and daughters have to cross some bridges themselves (alone) and the important thing for me to learn was how to cross the bridge alone without burning the bridge behind me. Mothers and daughters are one of the most complex relationships we will ever have -- my daughter (22) distances herself from me at times and I give her the space... my mother gives me the space too... it is very hard with mom's and daughters and daughters and moms and when grandma gets in the middle -- LOOK OUT! LOL... and I have to laugh because we are 4 generations now of women and the ride gets real scary at times... the balance is difficult even when all is well between everyone. We have learned to write to each other instead of getting angry and just " saying " awful things to each other -- that helps us to read and reread what we are saying... except my daughter (22) who still uses her mouth as a weapon but she too will learn and grow up in time as her daughter begins get older she will understand things better. My mom is the / was the / queen of guilt trips and one day I decided just not to do guilt anymore -- took about 2 years of me just saying, " Mom, I don't do guilt anymore... " every time she got started and she finally " got " it -- I always said it with a " hug " and an " exit " ... You will find the right balance with your mom... you just decide what is best for you, do it, and love her and know that as mothers... we do the best we know how to do at any given time, we screw up, we are learning too... when we learn how to do better we do better ~smile~ and hugz to you and your mom. I am sure you will find a balance... it's just hard. ~denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted September 23, 2002 Report Share Posted September 23, 2002 > So...with friend you walk away and find a better support > system...what do you do about your own mother? Dear Karla, As a mom I truly feel for you and your mother. What you can do is distance yourself and if you feel like explaining why... do it in a simple letter that explains if she can't support and be positive about the goals you've achieved in your life then you can't be around her a lot because it drags you down. Leave it at that -- the ball is in her park if she wants to " see " her own behavior or not. There have been times I have had to distance myself from my mother (other reasons but same principle) and times she has distanced herself from me -- doesn't mean we don't love each other but at times mothers and daughters have to cross some bridges themselves (alone) and the important thing for me to learn was how to cross the bridge alone without burning the bridge behind me. Mothers and daughters are one of the most complex relationships we will ever have -- my daughter (22) distances herself from me at times and I give her the space... my mother gives me the space too... it is very hard with mom's and daughters and daughters and moms and when grandma gets in the middle -- LOOK OUT! LOL... and I have to laugh because we are 4 generations now of women and the ride gets real scary at times... the balance is difficult even when all is well between everyone. We have learned to write to each other instead of getting angry and just " saying " awful things to each other -- that helps us to read and reread what we are saying... except my daughter (22) who still uses her mouth as a weapon but she too will learn and grow up in time as her daughter begins get older she will understand things better. My mom is the / was the / queen of guilt trips and one day I decided just not to do guilt anymore -- took about 2 years of me just saying, " Mom, I don't do guilt anymore... " every time she got started and she finally " got " it -- I always said it with a " hug " and an " exit " ... You will find the right balance with your mom... you just decide what is best for you, do it, and love her and know that as mothers... we do the best we know how to do at any given time, we screw up, we are learning too... when we learn how to do better we do better ~smile~ and hugz to you and your mom. I am sure you will find a balance... it's just hard. ~denise Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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