Re: to: weight gain-- never achieved goal

November 12, 2002

Well , I thank you for writing about how you used these words of wisdom

to fit your needs. I am so impressed with the way you went about this. Win

or lose, your mental health is so intact. That is a goal in itself. Bravo

to you. Fay Bayuk

November 13, 2002

the " enduring " ceep wrote:

>>> hang in there. we can all have it ALL, just not usually ALL at once.

But we can have much. MUCH. What are you willing to put into it. Make your

peace with it, whatever it is. No judgment.<<<

Wrote much the same to me several weeks (a month?) a while back and I

promise Ceep, not a day goes by that I have not thought (often) to myself

these words -- " how much am I willing to put into it... " and " what ever I

decide... make peace with it... " but, most importantly she wrote... " your

decision, whatever it is, is not WRONG... "

These words have walked me through this daily struggle of weight gain after

15 long and lovely months of maintaining a size I loved.

On size, wrote to me (and no truer words have been spoken...) Size

ISN'T a number it is a " FEELING "

Oh gosh how I needed to own that statement and understand it fully to grasp

" why " this weight gain has had me turned upside down and inside out -- it

isn't about the " size label " or the " scale numbers " it is the " FEELING " of

getting to where " I " wanted to be and staying there....

So Ceep asked me... " How far are you willing to go to get that??? And stay

there? And what are you willing to commit for yourself... " (paraphrased...

that's what " I " heard ;-)) And these questions have been top in my head and

given the utmost consideration in making some choices for myself.... as well

as realizing that (oh, great revelation) that " size " is a " feeling " not a

number.

Along with reading the posts from the " amnesty lurkers " and others like

this one... it has helped me in HUGE ways to make some decisions and some

commitments to myself and some " wise " choices. Helped me realize that for

months now I have not even been " thinking " about my heart health (which is

the main reason I had this surgery) I haven't been eating accordingly or

exercising accordingly... haven't even given my (very unhealthy) heart a

second thought!!! I forgot why I did this...

Ok, I got scoped to rule out the mechanical failure and I got the " numbers "

back -- my surgery is totally in tact with the least amount of changes that

even the scope doctor (not affiliated with my surgeon in any way...) was

" impressed " with how well my surgery did look and how near the numbers were

to my op report -- nothing's stretched (a tad doesn't count at 2 years) my

stoma is near the same at 10mm and the hypertrophy only extends down about

2cm -- much less than he expected to see on this old of a surgery... so, in

the end... it is my own fault I gained the weight... and it is up to me to

decide just what I am willing to do about it if anything (say's Ceep-Mom)

Y'all don't dog me about this please -- I HATE being this size, it " feels "

horrible to me -- I also hate that I've stopped thinking in the forefront of

my thoughts about my heart and my heart health...

I refuse to let me do this " gain back " and I don't buy into the " window "

thing since I don't believe our bodies can actually " see " a calendar and

know when to " close " that window --

So, yesterday I rejoined the gym where I USED to go almost daily for my

weights (weight baring for my bones) for my cardio (for my heart) and my

yoga classes (just cuz I love them) and taking 's advice I have an

appointment with a trainer at 8 this morning...

Last night I ended a really " good-girl " 2 days of liquids, protein shakes

and gallons of water with a grill cheese sandwich again -- I was totally

exhausted though and I looked at it and threw it in the trash (after about 5

bites) I was able to stop and trash it... (thank you to whoever wrote... I

am not a human garbage can...) Nothing " heart healthy " about that choice of

food... it was strictly my own " comfort " food -- I went to bed and snuggled

with my dog and fell asleep at peace (not guilt) but determination.

The sleep came after I tried on a pair of my husbands jeans... they fit but

tight -- when I was loosing (first year loosing) the day I fit into a pair

of his (thin and wiry kind of guy) levies was a HUGE thing for me... so, I

pulled on a pair and they buttoned... when I was at MY GOAL SIZE (which is a

" Feeling " not a " NUMBER " ) his jeans are too big for me... so, that's a

marker for me of how far I want to go to get back to where I " FEEL " good

about me.

I thought about using diet pills (seriously considered doing that...

REALLY) and I thought about joining the " Quick Weight Loss Center " and I

thought about the anonymity of joining up with the WW on line (all in the

last couple of weeks....) NONE of which would truly prove to be the best

heart healthy thing I could do " for me " So, I joined the gym instead.

Now my journey to get back to feeling good about ME and what I'm doing is

just beginning -- I don't know and don't have a " date " set for when I'll be

able to fit back into my own jeans but I have a beginning and that is my

goal and I'm willing to work hard at it but not at the risk of my heart so

it will probably be a SLOW process (again!!!) of re-learning my heart

healthy eating program, exercise for my health and determination to " FEEL "

good about me.

I swear I believe that everyone has a different " FEELING GOOD " place for

themselves and this is mine. Being pro-active in my health for today and for

my future is where I " FEEL GOOD " and by doing all that getting back down to

my " maintaining " size is a big factor for me.

I've held off and hesitated to post any more about this (some cheese with

my whine) until now when I'm actually understanding the words of wisdom

spoken by so many people here that have helped me to " decide " exactly what

the right thing for myself is...

For all of you and TO: all of you -- I thank you all for posting your

experience, strength and hope.

many hugz,

~denise

November 13, 2002

,

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you begin your journey back

to your own reality. Just don't let obsession about any one thing keep you

from enjoying each day to its fullest.

Obsession can control you, manipulate you, blind you, overwhelm you and

eventually destroy you. It is a thief...

Life has a way of showing us where are priorities really are when a tragedy

happens. One of the ways I keep a perspective on my daily thoughts is to

remember 911. When I begin obsessing about something or giving it too big

of a place in my life, I remember those that are still struggling with the

loss of their loved ones or caring for those that were crippled by it. I

think about those lost and wonder if their last day on earth was a great one

Enjoy the ride back to your goal, stop along the way to smell the roses and

revel in the beauty and spirituality of somebody or something totally

unrelated to WLS.

Godspeed...

Carol G

" If you always do whatcha always did,

you will always get whatcha always got "

~*~ Website: www.carollis.com WLS: www.picturetrail.com/carolg_il

~*~ Proverbs " As you think, so shall you manifest "

~*~ Dr. Philip McGraw, " If you choose the behavior, accept the consequence. "

-- RE: to: weight gain-- never achieved goal