pity party

[Guest guest]

Running on vapours, first time sitting up for more than a couple of minutes

today. Son's not doing well either. Sucks when you realize there is no

one nearby to count on. No energy to get food, can't eat. Stopped smoking

last week, just stopped doing anything for me, pleasure thhing is shot,

just like the taste thing, the comfy thing. Don't want anything - is that

apathy? Not unhappy, things are neither better or worse but I feel waves of

desperation (I think that's what it is, or maybe the room is too warm)

Just got up to check - the room is warm, opened a window. Feet are swollen

and red. Never know what constitutes a situation requiring intervention or

not. Have to use help sparingly, no one gives it gladly, tired of grudging

acceptance to help me out.

Shrink suggested I give up my complaint process with a doctor. I received

a response from the College, with their interpretation of what my doctor

said in the letter to them and the accompanying file, without giving me a

copy of either. So I'm forced to respond to their interpretation of what

he wrote to them. Of course, it paints a picture of a woman under constant

stress and pain for whom he feels nought but pity. Also defensive of

anything that might be construed as sexual. The dates are wrong, there are

names of doctors I've not seen, referals made by others for which he takes

credit, lists medications I've never taken. At least it felt good to see

in print that my psychiatrist assured him I had no psychiatric illness. Am

I wrong to want to set the record straight? Am I wrong to feel insulted by

the two paragraphs of how sorry he is that I'm sick and he cannot cure it

(whhen he did not even treat my pain, over six years referred me to only

two specilialists - the others I found a way to see without him). This

letter never once refers to my original letter or addresses specific

concerns I raised. Should this not infuriate me? He teaches new family

physicians, should I not do everything I can to at least change his

attitudes? It took several tries before I found a new GP, the others when

they found out about the complaint would not see me again. I stopped

mentioning this doctor, then I got a new GP. Feel as though I'm already

red-flagged as trouble, this has done me harm, and might do further harm,

there are only a few neurologists here, doctoring can be incestuously small

(one of my old boyfriends was a doctor - my they gossip - long hours, what

else is there to do).

My current GP is fine with MSA - Shy-Drager as a diagnosis, but I still

would like to elliminate or uncover any and all other possibilities. I'd

rather not have something cureable overlooked just because it is more

convenient to file me under palliative or " as good as dead anyway. "

Soiled my sheets a couple of times lately, had the unpleasantness of being

examined for having a good 'seal'. Apparently I do, which only leaves

neurogical causes. Good to know my voluntary control is ok. Told to

double up sleep meds, did that, nothing changed still get no more than four

hours, daytime sleepiness never happens for me no matter how sleep

deprived. Wish I could get a sleep study, I'm alternately fascinated and

horrified by my total lack of urge to sleep, or eat for that matter. Much

like that sudden lack of interest in smoking, to go with that it no longer

poked up my bp either, did nothing at all, only miss the time wasting

element of it.

Doc explained the whitening of the iris happens earlier in people with a

lifetime of very high cholesterol (which I've know I had since age 20),

also explains the yellow/orange tinge on my eyelids. I've seen a few

references here in blood abnormalities - what exactly? My blood never seems

low on anything but often too high in either white or red cells,

cholesterol, B vitamins and iron - very thick always took 3 times as long

to give a pint. As for my bp - always low, lower even during times of

stress (like in a hospital being given aneasthetic - counted backwards to

46 etc.)

Got as far as downloading chat room software this week, just didn't have it

in me to sit up that long. Took me till midnight to get going today. So

glad you're there to vent to, takes weight off to the mangeable level.

Ray, darling, in time you'll see the tremendously large immediate world

that often substitutes very well for the more distant one lost (it's the

old universe or atom thing - choice you still have.) The edge of my

universe is wherever my imagination will take me - and the extra cable

channels don't hurt either. Take care.

aletta mes, vancouver, bc canada

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Site: http://www.aletta.0catch.com