My mom's having a difficult time

[Guest guest]

I know she is going to go through this, but I'm

wondering if any of you who have been through this

have some words of wisdom for me.

She is really feeling guilty about everything

surrounding my father's death. Logically, we all know

that if God was ready to take him, there was nothing

any of us could have done, but right now that's not

much comfort. While it would have been awful to see

him linger for months with tubes, etc., I don't think

she would have felt guilty about things if he had gone

that way. She's having such a hard time with the fact

that he seemed really good on Monday (relatively

speaking, of course) and was so bad on Tuesday and

then just died that afternoon. She wonders if he had

pneumonia and she didn't know it, and that maybe he'd

be here if she had taken him to the Dr. that morning.

(I admit that I wonder that, too, although I would

never tell her that).

She asked me today if I thought she caused him to

aspirate when she turned him over on the bed. (He had

fallen on the bed on his side when she was

transferring him from the wheelchair). I think she

wants to believe that his heart just stopped, but

she's having a hard time truly believing it. She's

also worried that he just gave up. I think, " Who could

blame him if he did? " , but she worries that she didn't

do enough to keep his spirits up so he gave up. She

keeps asking me if others on this list died the way he

did...so suddenly. She so needs to believe that there

were others.

She is also feeling that she didn't do enough for him

while he was alive...didn't take him to see enough of

the things he enjoyed, didn't take him out to eat

enough, etc. She's feeling guilty for the times that

she lost her patience and was a little short with him.

I should tell you that she devoted 24 hours a day to

his care and would never accept help from anyone.

I'm rambling. For those of you who have been through

this, are these normal feelings? What can I do to

help? My sisters and I keep assuring her that we know

that she took excellent care of him and that there was

nothing she could have done. It doesn't seem to help

much.

Thx.

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