the other kind of numbness...ptsd

[Guest guest]

For anyone who's lost track, I've had a pretty tough time.

I've spent about half of the last 39 months with some kind of wound

complication. In addition to that, we've had two serious illnesses in my

family. Oh, yeah. I lost a job and I've gone through several boyfriends.

Even before all of this happened, I'd been diagnosed with post-traumatic

stress disorder and it seems to be more profound now. On television, PTSD is

dramatic. People have flashbacks and fight the Viet Cong at 3:00 in the

morning. For most people who have it, the expression is the opposite. I was

always a lively person, with lots of natural ups and downs. I'm still on a

drug called Effexor, and that controls depression and anxiety, which is part

of the flatness I feel. I'm not ready to get off of it. The biggest change

in my life since everything went topsy turvy is emotional numbness. Compared

to what I was before, I have a flat affect. I also have the other symptoms

of ptsd.

I was in a life planning workshop, and we had different exercises. In one,

we were supposed to list a hundred things we wanted to do. I had a very hard

time coming up with many things at all, (other than " play twister naked " of

course). The strangest thing was when we were supposed to write down things

that made us angry. Other people were writing madly, and I felt embarrassed

because I couldn't think of ANYTHING. After a very long time, the leader

came and asked me what was wrong, and I told her I just couldn't think of

anything. She looked at me like I was from a different planet, and in a way,

I guess I am.

I don't know how many people in the U.S. have ptsd, but in some places I've

been, having ptsd is probably the norm. If you grew up around shootings and

constant violence, feeling " at ease " isn't safe. Being hyper-vigilant is a

survival mechanism. I'd bet money that at least half of the Bosnian refugees

who now live around my neighborhood have at least some degree of ptsd. One

of my friends married a gentleman from Bosnia, and he's constantly checking

on his family to make sure that no one has been hurt. There are degrees of

PTSD, and I think I probably have a pretty minor case of it.

I think my fondness for Percoset is rooted in this disorder. Heroin addicts

take it for the chemical feeling of " everything being all right " and I have

the same memories of Percoset.

My attempts at counseling haven't been successful. One of the best

treatments for ptsd are antidepressants, and I'm already on a good one. In

time, I hope that I can somehow build a life where I feel safe again. I

sometimes try to use my uneasiness to my advantage. Being afraid of more

wound complications helps me keep my weight down, for example.

in St. Louis

Twister, anyone?