Re: Regrets: children in later years

[Guest guest]

I didn't see your name on your post but I am in the same boat as you. I've

never let my weight hold me back from anything but a meaningful

relationship. And I also didn't want to marry out of my religion. Marriage

seems to be tough enough and I always felt at least for me that I needed

that extra bond. But now at 49, I wonder if I didn't let something pass me

by in not having children that I will always regret. I often think of

adopting but with a career, I am not sure how I could do it all....be both a

mother and a father and the breadwinner all to a child while in my fifties.

But as I sat in church again today and watched the new mothers my heart

broke a little more with longing.

But if you have found a good relationship, at least that is something that

you didn't have before. And there is something to having a good companion to

share your new found life with. I am not sure I long for that as much as

motherhood. But I am not opposed if the right person comes along.

And who knows maybe you will yet enjoy grandchildren....and can send them

home when they aren't the wonderful creatures those of us who are childless

seem to think children of our would always be...not. LOL!

God has a way of working these things out..put your trust there.

Martha H

Regrets: children in later years

> I'm one of those who women who LOVE children and they love me. Sadly, I

> " probably " won't have a child. I had a couple of things " I felt " going

> against me.

>

> 1. You see ... I am someone who always let my weight get in the way of

> relationships ... I never purposely set out to do this, but I put up HUGE

> barriers. Men obviously read this and stayed far away. I always chalked it

> up to being fat. I was pretty, but fat and pretty ... not good enough. I

> needed to be pretty and thinner.

>

> BUT ... I was always puzzled as to why I would see overweight women in

> relationships. Hmmm ...

>

> 2. I also decided to marry someone within my faith life and that never

> happened. The pickings ... slim with each passing year. The men of my

> " religious affiliation " are a bunch of scaredy cats ... afraid ... so

afraid

> of a confident woman ...

>

> Everyone around me married and had babies. During my fertile years, I was

> agonizing over the fact that all my friends married and were having babies

> and here I was " without " in so many ways. Now all these friends babies

that

> I held when I was 18 or 19 are now having babies of their own ... the

STING

> is unbearable at times. I cannot tell you how many times I've cried about

> this.

>

> Now ... here I am at 42 ... thinner ... I've met a wonderful man with the

> same religious flavor ... but he's still working through the emotions of

his

> divorce. He also LOVES my confidence ... BUT ... he also DOESN'T WANT

> CHILDREN ... which is against the true desire of my heart. I've told him

> how I feel and he's told me his feelings about children (he has two of his

> own ...) . He has admitted that " miracles can happen... " Yet, I feel like

> I'm in a Catch-22 ... part of me knows I'm getting WAY beyond having a

> child. I could get pregnant, but would I have the energy to carry and

raise

> a child???? The other part still deeply desires to have child ...

>

> You know ... I'm right on the cusp ... yet I still cry ... I hope this

makes

> sense ...

>

> thanks for " listening ... "

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> Homepage: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Graduate-OSSG

>

> Unsubscribe: mailto:Graduate-OSSG-unsubscribe

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

What a beautiful message. I shall file this for future reference. You arre

so eloquent and lucky.

Jo in Yukon,Oklahoma

SRVG 8/27/01

Dr.Hamn

[Guest guest]

I have a dear friend and co-worker who found herself in much the same

situation as you gals; almost 50 and no children, deeply wanting them,

but having missed her time. She even had a partner from her early 30s,

they just thought they didn't want children then and by the time then

became now it was too late.

I had a very hard time telling this particular friend that I was

pregnant because I had talked to her not even two weeks earlier about

how grief-stricken she was now that she'd really faced up to the no-baby

facts... But of course, I had to. And she received the news very well

and asked me to share my pregnancy with her because she wasn't going to

get to do it herself. And so I did. My midwives were wonderful to this

friend of mine, gentle with her feelings and not at all awkward when she

came to prenatals with me. She didn't make it to the birth (we had

Joanne at home) but she was one of the first non-family members to meet

Joanne. Sharon has continued to be Joanne's dearest and most loving

aunt. She and Jim haven't had too much exposure to the sometimes-trials

of living with a near-3 year old, but Joanne somehow knows that these

are kind people and she's always been very friendly and open with them

even when she was in major stranger-anxiety phases (I do pick good

people as friends). :-) And Sharon's made her some lovely embroidered

shirts, a silk slip for a pretty dress, and other things that I have

neither time/skill/inclination to do but that will be treasured over

time.

Anyway, my point is, children can come into your life in lots of

different ways if you're open to it and people know you're interested.

What I thought would be very painful for my friend has turned into a

source of great joy and deepened friendship for both of us. Joanne's

grandparents are far away (England and North Carolina, with us in

Seattle) and it's really good for her to have some " older and wiser "

people in her life.

Re: Regrets: children in later years

I didn't see your name on your post but I am in the same boat as you.

I've never let my weight hold me back from anything but a meaningful

relationship. And I also didn't want to marry out of my religion.

Marriage seems to be tough enough and I always felt at least for me that

I needed that extra bond. But now at 49, I wonder if I didn't let

something pass me by in not having children that I will always regret. I

often think of adopting but with a career, I am not sure how I could do

it all....be both a mother and a father and the breadwinner all to a

child while in my fifties. But as I sat in church again today and

watched the new mothers my heart broke a little more with longing.

But if you have found a good relationship, at least that is something

that you didn't have before. And there is something to having a good

companion to share your new found life with. I am not sure I long for

that as much as motherhood. But I am not opposed if the right person

comes along. And who knows maybe you will yet enjoy grandchildren....and

can send them home when they aren't the wonderful creatures those of us

who are childless seem to think children of our would always be...not.

LOL! God has a way of working these things out..put your trust there.

Martha H

Regrets: children in later years

> I'm one of those who women who LOVE children and they love me. Sadly,

> I " probably " won't have a child. I had a couple of things " I felt "

> going against me.

>

> 1. You see ... I am someone who always let my weight get in the way of

> relationships ... I never purposely set out to do this, but I put up

> HUGE barriers. Men obviously read this and stayed far away. I always

> chalked it up to being fat. I was pretty, but fat and pretty ... not

> good enough. I needed to be pretty and thinner.

>

> BUT ... I was always puzzled as to why I would see overweight women in

> relationships. Hmmm ...

>

> 2. I also decided to marry someone within my faith life and that never

> happened. The pickings ... slim with each passing year. The men of my

> " religious affiliation " are a bunch of scaredy cats ... afraid ... so

afraid

> of a confident woman ...

>

> Everyone around me married and had babies. During my fertile years, I

> was agonizing over the fact that all my friends married and were

> having babies and here I was " without " in so many ways. Now all these

> friends babies

that

> I held when I was 18 or 19 are now having babies of their own ... the

STING

> is unbearable at times. I cannot tell you how many times I've cried

> about this.

>

> Now ... here I am at 42 ... thinner ... I've met a wonderful man with

> the same religious flavor ... but he's still working through the

> emotions of

his

> divorce. He also LOVES my confidence ... BUT ... he also DOESN'T WANT

> CHILDREN ... which is against the true desire of my heart. I've told

> him how I feel and he's told me his feelings about children (he has

> two of his own ...) . He has admitted that " miracles can happen... "

> Yet, I feel like I'm in a Catch-22 ... part of me knows I'm getting

> WAY beyond having a child. I could get pregnant, but would I have the

> energy to carry and

raise

> a child???? The other part still deeply desires to have child ...

>

> You know ... I'm right on the cusp ... yet I still cry ... I hope this

makes

> sense ...

>

> thanks for " listening ... "

[Guest guest]

I have a dear friend and co-worker who found herself in much the same

situation as you gals; almost 50 and no children, deeply wanting them,

but having missed her time. She even had a partner from her early 30s,

they just thought they didn't want children then and by the time then

became now it was too late.

I had a very hard time telling this particular friend that I was

pregnant because I had talked to her not even two weeks earlier about

how grief-stricken she was now that she'd really faced up to the no-baby

facts... But of course, I had to. And she received the news very well

and asked me to share my pregnancy with her because she wasn't going to

get to do it herself. And so I did. My midwives were wonderful to this

friend of mine, gentle with her feelings and not at all awkward when she

came to prenatals with me. She didn't make it to the birth (we had

Joanne at home) but she was one of the first non-family members to meet

Joanne. Sharon has continued to be Joanne's dearest and most loving

aunt. She and Jim haven't had too much exposure to the sometimes-trials

of living with a near-3 year old, but Joanne somehow knows that these

are kind people and she's always been very friendly and open with them

even when she was in major stranger-anxiety phases (I do pick good

people as friends). :-) And Sharon's made her some lovely embroidered

shirts, a silk slip for a pretty dress, and other things that I have

neither time/skill/inclination to do but that will be treasured over

time.

Anyway, my point is, children can come into your life in lots of

different ways if you're open to it and people know you're interested.

What I thought would be very painful for my friend has turned into a

source of great joy and deepened friendship for both of us. Joanne's

grandparents are far away (England and North Carolina, with us in

Seattle) and it's really good for her to have some " older and wiser "

people in her life.

Re: Regrets: children in later years

I didn't see your name on your post but I am in the same boat as you.

I've never let my weight hold me back from anything but a meaningful

relationship. And I also didn't want to marry out of my religion.

Marriage seems to be tough enough and I always felt at least for me that

I needed that extra bond. But now at 49, I wonder if I didn't let

something pass me by in not having children that I will always regret. I

often think of adopting but with a career, I am not sure how I could do

it all....be both a mother and a father and the breadwinner all to a

child while in my fifties. But as I sat in church again today and

watched the new mothers my heart broke a little more with longing.

But if you have found a good relationship, at least that is something

that you didn't have before. And there is something to having a good

companion to share your new found life with. I am not sure I long for

that as much as motherhood. But I am not opposed if the right person

comes along. And who knows maybe you will yet enjoy grandchildren....and

can send them home when they aren't the wonderful creatures those of us

who are childless seem to think children of our would always be...not.

LOL! God has a way of working these things out..put your trust there.

Martha H

Regrets: children in later years

> I'm one of those who women who LOVE children and they love me. Sadly,

> I " probably " won't have a child. I had a couple of things " I felt "

> going against me.

>

> 1. You see ... I am someone who always let my weight get in the way of

> relationships ... I never purposely set out to do this, but I put up

> HUGE barriers. Men obviously read this and stayed far away. I always

> chalked it up to being fat. I was pretty, but fat and pretty ... not

> good enough. I needed to be pretty and thinner.

>

> BUT ... I was always puzzled as to why I would see overweight women in

> relationships. Hmmm ...

>

> 2. I also decided to marry someone within my faith life and that never

> happened. The pickings ... slim with each passing year. The men of my

> " religious affiliation " are a bunch of scaredy cats ... afraid ... so

afraid

> of a confident woman ...

>

> Everyone around me married and had babies. During my fertile years, I

> was agonizing over the fact that all my friends married and were

> having babies and here I was " without " in so many ways. Now all these

> friends babies

that

> I held when I was 18 or 19 are now having babies of their own ... the

STING

> is unbearable at times. I cannot tell you how many times I've cried

> about this.

>

> Now ... here I am at 42 ... thinner ... I've met a wonderful man with

> the same religious flavor ... but he's still working through the

> emotions of

his

> divorce. He also LOVES my confidence ... BUT ... he also DOESN'T WANT

> CHILDREN ... which is against the true desire of my heart. I've told

> him how I feel and he's told me his feelings about children (he has

> two of his own ...) . He has admitted that " miracles can happen... "

> Yet, I feel like I'm in a Catch-22 ... part of me knows I'm getting

> WAY beyond having a child. I could get pregnant, but would I have the

> energy to carry and

raise

> a child???? The other part still deeply desires to have child ...

>

> You know ... I'm right on the cusp ... yet I still cry ... I hope this

makes

> sense ...

>

> thanks for " listening ... "

[Guest guest]

I have a dear friend and co-worker who found herself in much the same

situation as you gals; almost 50 and no children, deeply wanting them,

but having missed her time. She even had a partner from her early 30s,

they just thought they didn't want children then and by the time then

became now it was too late.

I had a very hard time telling this particular friend that I was

pregnant because I had talked to her not even two weeks earlier about

how grief-stricken she was now that she'd really faced up to the no-baby

facts... But of course, I had to. And she received the news very well

and asked me to share my pregnancy with her because she wasn't going to

get to do it herself. And so I did. My midwives were wonderful to this

friend of mine, gentle with her feelings and not at all awkward when she

came to prenatals with me. She didn't make it to the birth (we had

Joanne at home) but she was one of the first non-family members to meet

Joanne. Sharon has continued to be Joanne's dearest and most loving

aunt. She and Jim haven't had too much exposure to the sometimes-trials

of living with a near-3 year old, but Joanne somehow knows that these

are kind people and she's always been very friendly and open with them

even when she was in major stranger-anxiety phases (I do pick good

people as friends). :-) And Sharon's made her some lovely embroidered

shirts, a silk slip for a pretty dress, and other things that I have

neither time/skill/inclination to do but that will be treasured over

time.

Anyway, my point is, children can come into your life in lots of

different ways if you're open to it and people know you're interested.

What I thought would be very painful for my friend has turned into a

source of great joy and deepened friendship for both of us. Joanne's

grandparents are far away (England and North Carolina, with us in

Seattle) and it's really good for her to have some " older and wiser "

people in her life.

Re: Regrets: children in later years

I didn't see your name on your post but I am in the same boat as you.

I've never let my weight hold me back from anything but a meaningful

relationship. And I also didn't want to marry out of my religion.

Marriage seems to be tough enough and I always felt at least for me that

I needed that extra bond. But now at 49, I wonder if I didn't let

something pass me by in not having children that I will always regret. I

often think of adopting but with a career, I am not sure how I could do

it all....be both a mother and a father and the breadwinner all to a

child while in my fifties. But as I sat in church again today and

watched the new mothers my heart broke a little more with longing.

But if you have found a good relationship, at least that is something

that you didn't have before. And there is something to having a good

companion to share your new found life with. I am not sure I long for

that as much as motherhood. But I am not opposed if the right person

comes along. And who knows maybe you will yet enjoy grandchildren....and

can send them home when they aren't the wonderful creatures those of us

who are childless seem to think children of our would always be...not.

LOL! God has a way of working these things out..put your trust there.

Martha H

Regrets: children in later years

> I'm one of those who women who LOVE children and they love me. Sadly,

> I " probably " won't have a child. I had a couple of things " I felt "

> going against me.

>

> 1. You see ... I am someone who always let my weight get in the way of

> relationships ... I never purposely set out to do this, but I put up

> HUGE barriers. Men obviously read this and stayed far away. I always

> chalked it up to being fat. I was pretty, but fat and pretty ... not

> good enough. I needed to be pretty and thinner.

>

> BUT ... I was always puzzled as to why I would see overweight women in

> relationships. Hmmm ...

>

> 2. I also decided to marry someone within my faith life and that never

> happened. The pickings ... slim with each passing year. The men of my

> " religious affiliation " are a bunch of scaredy cats ... afraid ... so

afraid

> of a confident woman ...

>

> Everyone around me married and had babies. During my fertile years, I

> was agonizing over the fact that all my friends married and were

> having babies and here I was " without " in so many ways. Now all these

> friends babies

that

> I held when I was 18 or 19 are now having babies of their own ... the

STING

> is unbearable at times. I cannot tell you how many times I've cried

> about this.

>

> Now ... here I am at 42 ... thinner ... I've met a wonderful man with

> the same religious flavor ... but he's still working through the

> emotions of

his

> divorce. He also LOVES my confidence ... BUT ... he also DOESN'T WANT

> CHILDREN ... which is against the true desire of my heart. I've told

> him how I feel and he's told me his feelings about children (he has

> two of his own ...) . He has admitted that " miracles can happen... "

> Yet, I feel like I'm in a Catch-22 ... part of me knows I'm getting

> WAY beyond having a child. I could get pregnant, but would I have the

> energy to carry and

raise

> a child???? The other part still deeply desires to have child ...

>

> You know ... I'm right on the cusp ... yet I still cry ... I hope this

makes

> sense ...

>

> thanks for " listening ... "

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/4/2002 7:03:03 AM Eastern Standard Time,

marthahall888@... writes:

> But now at 49, I wonder if I didn't let something pass me

> by in not having children that I will always regret. I often think of

> adopting but with a career, I am not sure how I could do it all....be both

> a

> mother and a father and the breadwinner all to a child while in my fifties.

> But as I sat in church again today and watched the new mothers my heart

> broke a little more with longing.

>

********************************

This is an interesting thread. I just turned 50, never been married, but

chose not to have kids...just never wanted them. The only time I

second-guessed my decision was when I was about 45 years old, knew that clock

was there, and felt a little twinge. But, it was not because I was too old

to have kids, it was because I felt I really didn't have the choice anymore.

The, I asked myself what I was questioning myself for, when I really just

didn't want kids to begin with.

Also, as for relationships, I have never been without a boyfriend, but my

choices of men in my younger years were, well, terrible. You know the things

about why do good girls choose bad men, well, I was the big Loser Magnet! I

was all of 34 years old when I met my current love, a really nice, great guy,

and we've been together 16 years now. We don't feel the need to get married

(he's done it twice before), but we may one day, just for the heck of

it...who knows.

So, that's my story, and I'm stickin' to it.

in NJ