humor for President's Day from george relles

[Guest guest]

" If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make

(or email you could send), who would you call and what would you say?

And why are you waiting? "

-- Levine

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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the

subject of marriage counseling came up.

" Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship, "

the wife explained. " He was a communications major in college and I majored

in theater arts.

He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening. "

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The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids

together to ask which one should have the present.

" Who is the most obedient? " he asked. " Who never talks back to mother? Who

does everything she says? "

Five small voices answered in unison. " Okay, daddy, you get the toy. "

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Subject: Tech Support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the

new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules,

limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated

flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many

other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable

programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and

Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3

to fix these problems, but to no avail. Help!

--Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0

is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED

ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the

applications: Guilt 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause

Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Computer Games 6.1 or

Recliner 7.0.

Recliner 7.0 is a very bad program that will create " Snoring Loudly " wave

files. DO NOT reinstall another Boyfriend program. This is not a supported

application and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great

program, but it does have limited Memory and cannot learn new applications

quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I

personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

Good luck!

--Tech Support

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Subject: Martha vs. the Real Woman

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar

cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Woman's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the

cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet

up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag

with the potatoes.

The Real Woman's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the

pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #3: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use

a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the

outside of the cake.

The Real Woman's Way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.

Martha's way #4: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still

cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an

instant " fix me up " .

The Real Woman's Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's

too bad.

Please recite with me: The Real Woman's motto: I made it and you will eat

it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #5: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the

refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Woman's Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Martha's way #6: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking

to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Woman's Way: The Mrs. frozen pie directions do not include

brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.

Martha's way #7: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it

on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The Real Woman's Way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because

you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your

eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are

now BLIND!

Martha's way #9: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex

dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Woman's Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally ......

Martha's way #10: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice

cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Woman's Way: Leftover wine?