re. No support from Mom

[Guest guest]

My mother didn't offer support *or* resistance to my surgery, because I

chose not to tell her about it. She had pretty severe

Wernicke-Korsakoff's syndrome by the time I'd made the decision, and

had very little short-term memory left, so I figured that telling her

would just cause her distress, and she wouldn't be able to process the

info much anyway, let alone remember it for longer than 10 minutes or

so.

But I did tell my mother-in-law, who has been more of a mother to me in

the past 20 years -- and, as I expected, she burst into tears. While

she has always wanted me to lose weight (she has a weight problem

herself, and knows the problems it can cause), she was terrified that I

was going to kill myself with this surgery, just to " look thin " . I

assured her that I had researched it all, and offered her as much info

as I could. I was totally open with her about everything I read, and

she asked a lot of questions before the surgery.

Coincidentally, my operation took place on the first day of Rosh

Hoshanah last year (and my surgeon was Jewish -- I am just glad he

wasn't all that observant, or he'd have been in shul, instead of

rearranging my plumbing! ), and my m-i-l took this as a good sign --

that I was starting the new year literally with a new body. Over the

months after the surgery, she was thrilled to watch me lose weight, and

it was very noticeable to her, as we only see one another every couple

of months or so. She did question my eating habits when I was there --

" Are you sure that's all you can have? " " That doesn't seem like very

much -- are you sure you're getting enough nutrition? " -- but this was

just a kind of variant on her standard Jewish mother theme, so it

didn't worry me too much.

However, there reached a point when my weight started to dip lower than

she'd ever seen it -- and this scared her. When I hit about 200 lbs.,

she started telling me that I should stop, and asking me where I

planned to lose the rest from? She was afraid, because we were in new

(to her) territory, and she didn't want me, as she said, to " go

anorexic " or something. It was only when she was talking to my sister

on the phone, and my sister pointed out that she *had* seen me much

skinnier than this, and that to her, this was my " normal size " , that my

m-i-l started to back off a bit. She still believes that I eat too

little and exercise too much, but she has started to get used to me at

my new size, and not to fuss quite so much.

I know she does it out of love and concern, and while it didn't bother

me most of the time, there were moments when I wanted to tell her, " You

know, the whole time I've known you, your wish for me has been a thin,

healthy body. Now I'm healthier and thinner than I have been in my

whole adult life, and you're getting your knickers in a twist because

it's not what you're used to seeing. Which is it gonna be?! " I kept my

mouth shut, though, and I'm glad I did. Just as I have needed to work

through the emotional ups and downs of this past year of losing, so has

she (and so has my husband, and my two kids). I think we need to try to

be as patient as we can with those around us, because it's human nature

to be wary of things we don't know.

Wishing everyone a happy Sunday!

--

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RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 24.1

-139 lbs

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