Hypocrite?

[Guest guest]

I had a strange experience today at the gym. I was talking to a woman

who has befriended me during the past several months of strength

training and is encouraging me as she sees my progress.

During the course of our conversation she was telling me about a

client of hers who lost a hundred pounds very rapidly due to surgery

(wls) and how squirrelly she was now because her head hadn't caught

up with her body. Then she told me how she admired me so much more

for not having the surgery and losing weight the sensible way, slow

and steady. I didn't realize she didn't know I had wls since I've

made no secret of it, but I was caught off guard and didn't say

anything. Now I feel a bit awkward and I wonder if I should just

tell her tomorrow asap. I think if I don't tell her, it might feel

like I'm hiding it, which will make me feel like a sneaky puss. My

vanity and pride, however, like the kudos I get from her and I'd feel

kind of let down to lose that.

On a different note, I have decided to look for a full time job. I

am not real happy with it at all, especially since I'll have to yank

my kids out of their piano, sports and scouts and put them in

daycare. But I can't trust my husband anymore. The healthier I get,

the more vindictive he's becoming. This is not a new thing...I'm

post-op 23 months now and have been making changes in my life with 12

stepping for 5 years now. He's lost his control on what things are

off limit to say and how to behave. He has a serious kick the dog

problem. The things he says are so way out, I can't take them

seriously, but once in awhile he'll find a soft spot and really hurt

me. I know I'm on the right path for me and he has got to work out

his own problems.

I'd better be prepared though. It may well turn out that it's easier

for him to leave this situation and create a new one more to his

liking than for him to work on making some changes in his life.

BTW, it is not all me, I am just the dog. He's unhappy with

everything in his life on a daily basis. The job, the kids, blah,

blah. But this is way too long for midlife crisis.

It's wonderful how strengthening our bodies pays off in so many

ways. The last time several years ago we had serious problems, I

took the abuse, in part because I believed what he said. I was

afraid for him to leave because I was so fat and I felt I was

unemployable. I had so many fears of losing our home, the effect on

the kids, how I would survive, etc.

Now I have the confidence to take whatever comes so long as I know I

am honestly putting forth my best effort. I have totally divested

myself of the fear of loss of material things. I don't give a damn

about the house or the 'stuff " . I have my health and my life back.

The house was nothing more than a miserable prison before where I was

slowly eating and drinking myself to death.

I do fear for the kids, but I can't allow them to grow up witnessing

this disrespect between parents. The kids love me dearly and support

me, but a couple of times have slipped and talked to me with contempt

in exactly the same tone as their father.

So, no need to rush. I have 50 more pounds to lose before my PS,

which gives me time to find a job and get settled. Then if things

work out, fine. But if they don't, I won't be trapped.

Little do we know, when we have this surgery, the amazing and

unpredictable places it will take us. I have absolutely no idea

where I will be in a year from now. But that doesn't scare me in the

least. I welcome the future with open arms and anticipation.

Finally, I don't mean to bash my hasbeen. He has his own row to hoe

and it can't be easy. I'm luckier than he because I have support

groups where I can hash things out. I have compassion for him, but I

also do need to put myself in an environment where I have a chance to

succeed. I already know the alternative. Been there, done that.

Smiles,

Vicki A.