Whining here too! **LONG**

[Guest guest]

I'm feeling overwhelmed lately.

I am one of those people who never even came close to my goal. I

started at 267.5 and at my lowest weight was 157 (for about 2

hours). I stayed at 160 for quite a while and decided I would be

happy there (though I'd dreamt of 130, or would have settled for

147, what I weighed in 8th grade.) However, bad habits and stress

had me grazing candy bars all day long, and I went up to 170. I

stayed there for about 6 months. Since last August, I gained up to

183. Gained 25 lbs!!!!!

In June, I started protein supps in earnest and got off the sugar

almost comepletely - no candy. The cravings dropped off

dramatically and I was finally able to change my automatic habit of

buying 2 or 3 candy bars whenever I picked up a prescription or got

gas in the car. Now I am able to resist the urge and I buy a bottle

of water instead. I had been unable to exercise since last December

(in hospital for gastric bleed and anemia, was pregnant, then

miscarried and could not get my hemoglobin to go up and was

EXHAUSTED all the time.) I started doing aerobics tapes almost

everyday, and my weight started to come back down to 174 or so.

Then I had tendonitis in my ankle and had to stop exercising again.

The pain got better but did not go away, so went back to the

orthopedist and found that they think I have ECD - basically, a

piece of the bone in my ankle is dead. Normally, they don't treat

it, but I'm diabetic and I must exercise to help control my blood

sugars. So now I have to have a bone scan to confirm if I do have

the ECD; if so, it means surgery. A day before this, I saw a

neurologist to rule out TIA's (mini strokes) and while she wasn't

sure I was having them, I'm having an MRI of my head done to see how

I'm doing. Depending on what they find, I may be a candidate for a

special surgery to add an additional blood supply to part of my

brain. (this would help prevent future strokes from occuring. To

top it off, I'm scheduled for my panni on 9/26.

I had my GB because I had a stroke at 34, due to my diabetes. I had

to lose the weight or not have much of a future. I'm also low

thyroid and have PCOD (polycystic ovary disease), ALL of which are

endocrine related diseases, all of which make me insulin resistant

and make it difficult for me to lose weight under any conditions.

DAMN! The GB is the hardest thing I have ever done. I still suffer

with food - the crap goes down fine (candy) but dense protein is hit

and miss. I can have chicken or fish or ground beef or steak one

time and be fine, the next, throw it up. I can't eat anything fatty

(fried anything) without getting sick (okay but I miss peanut

butter), it is hit or miss with throwing up, and I never know until

I get down a few bites that the food just isn't going to work. I've

finally learned to stop right then but it is SO hard when the food

is right in front of me and tastes good but doesn't work in my

pouch. If my tummy is completely empty, I can get sick on salad or

veggies or fruit, too. I can't eat anything spicy or acidic (like

tomatoes or spaghetti sauce or diet pop) without risking a bad gut

ache. And this is with taking a major anti-acid drug called

Protonix!! I feel so damn limited in what I can eat and then when

even those foods don't work I want to give up. I don't even like to

eat out anymore, since I never know what will work.

I get angry that even though I have been working diligently on my

food intake, given up the crap, drink the water and my 4 shakes a

day, I continue to gain weight. I am also receiving IV iron

treatments to increase my stored iron and hemoglobin.

So, do I cancel my panni/TT due to the weight gain? When I saw the

surgeon a year ago, I was at 170 and had been for several months.

When I saw him this summer, I was at 180. Now I'm 183/4. If I have

the TT and LOSE more (I pray), will that be bad? I just cannot face

gaining any more!!!!! Do I undergo the risks of surgery for the TT

that my insurance will pay for even with my stroke history (minor

stroke and I came thru the GB with flying colors and no

complications)? And what if I have to have the ankle surgery or the

brain surgery (which is not an open cranium procedure, they bore a

hole in my skull)????

AARRRGHHHHH!!

Vitalady advised me to get a scope done - but my GB was transected

and would SLD be possible?? I had a scope done in December in the

hospital and I had gastritis, no ulcers or lesions and my RNY seemed

to be intact (though he wasn't looking at the RNY for possible

problems but for the source of my gastric bleed) My stoma was 16-17

mm (I asked him to measure)

Phew, I needed to just put this all in writing and get it off my

chest. Thank you for letting me rant. I don't post often but I

read everything and you all mean a lot to me.

gina bean

1/6/00 RNY