humor from george relles

[Guest guest]

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life,

because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little

torture.

---Jack Handey

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God

talks to us we're schizophrenic?

---Lily Tomlin

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" What am I supposed to do with this? " grumbled a motorist as the policeman

handed him a speeding ticket.

" Keep it, " the cop said, " when you collect four of them you get a bicycle. "

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze

class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to

breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary

assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, " Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is

especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the

time to go walking with your partner. "

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised

his hand.

" Yes? " replied the teacher.

" Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk? "

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HALT! WARNING!!! PROCEED NO FURTHER IF YOU ARE ALLERGIC TO REALLY BAD, BAD

PUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backwards poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count

that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat

minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum

Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium

at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

(I warned you about those puns, didn’t I?)