its emotional

[Guest guest]

Donna,

Sounds to me like your antidepressants aren't working all that well. I

understnad the self-sabotage, really well. I am doing it, too. I also

don't have any desire to return to the shrink world of analysis, but I may

have to yield in that regard. I don't want to become 356 pounds again,

that's for sure. I have not come close to " ultimate goal " though I have

attained my major goal, to walk again. And dance with my husband. These

things, I have done.

I do not pretend to understand the human mind. I'd like to, but we are all

so different, and each one of us has buttons that are pushed by others, and

ones we push ourselves, that create the whole of what we are. If you are

hiding from the world, sleeping all the time, then perhaps it's because your

psyche cannot handle the fact that your body is no longer able to hide

behind the fat. I am just supposing here, I haven't a degree or anything.

Many times people who have been abused in some way, want to hide behind the

shield of fat. It's a fact for me that my fat protected me for years, or so

I believed. Most all my life. Now, while I am still fat, I must find other

ways to protect myself. That can be discovered through therapy, I am sure.

I just don't want to find a new therapist and go through all that crap I

went through the first time. When my therapist retired, I stopped working

with any therapist!

Perhaps it's time, Donna, to get back out there, find one, and do the work.

Hiding behind the bedcovers or the fat isn't living. And we don't get a

second chance to live, this is the only shot. I have to do the same, and I

am scared of it, too. But I am going to do it. I don't want to return to

the immobile, fat, scared, tired, and in pain woman I was.

Go for it - and know I will be keeping you in my prayers, as a sister in

thought!

Alice in NY

> Hi everyone,

> Ever since my TT on may 13 2002 I havent been myself. I did do my vits,

> protein, and eat healthy (as usual)...but I feel myself slipping away. Im

> sick of myself! I cant blame my fat! I know that was a shield, I dont

wanna

> be looked at as normal so Im sabotaging. Its like unpurpose. I need

> support. Im kinda scared! I question myself......do I really wanna kill

> myself? (I mean its not literally) just in action. Why am I such a

negative

> sabotage? Why cant I accept me and only wanna punish? I am on meds, I am

> looking for concealing, but I hate the " uuhhuu " shrinks! I can get more

info

> on line or on the phone.l I dont hang out w/ friends much only family and

> online groups. When I disappear....somethings wrong. Ive been gone a

month.

> So Im reaching out, but ashamed to let it out to the couple hundred peeps

in

> the group. Can anyone relate? Or should I cross post on off track.. Ok I

> will. Id appreciate any feedback! I was so addicted to health! Where

did

> that go? And why do I want to sleep my life away? Thanks Donna

>

>

>