Re: grief survival/ - Bill

[Guest guest]

,

About a year after Charlotte was diagnosed with MSA, we were told she

probably only had two years or so to live, and she went into severe

depression. Our pastor and the neurologist suggested that she go into grief

counseling, and I talked her into it with me going along. It did help her at

the time and we did all the legal stuff to get that out of the way (funeral

arrangements, wills, power's of attorney, living will, etc.). When she died,

I now feel that helped me get through the grieving process more quickly and I

recommend that most patients and caregivers go through it together early on.

They had both of us write down our individual fears (which were significantly

different for me and Charlotte) and tell each other our expectations -

Charlotte died at home which was her biggest request. I feel that all the

stuff helped her accept that she was going to die earlier than her expected

lifetime, but that she could die peacefully at home since I promised I would

make every attempt to have her at home (she did die at home in her own bed).

Your mom is still in early stages of grief, denial, anger, sadness,

bargaining, and acceptance are things that all humans go through and MUST be

dealt with. I went through denial, anger, sadness early on and was probably

into bargaining by the time she died. I am still angry that she had to die,

and that is part of the reason I am staying on the list, I am sure. I

accepted the fact that she would die as much as three years ago when she came

within a heartbeat of dying from a blood infection. But in the way she beat

that infection and recovered, I learned how much the patient can do for

themselves and want to pass it on to others. Acceptance on her part was

realizing that she had to " Use it or lose it " .

Get your mom to accept grief counseling, she is still in the denial/anger

stages. A group grief counseling situation should help her and give her some

social contact she needs. Push her to get out with the family also. Include

her in as much as possible. Get her to visit relatives and friends.

Take care, Bill Werre

M Bruner wrote:

> Thanks, Bill. I always appreciate your input.

>

> On the subject of MSA Research, do you have any feel

> for which organizations/hospitals, etc., are doing the

> most research right now? I assume Vanderbilt has a

> large research program. Is that right? What about

> Mayo? Where are we in terms of research? Is the main

> focus on finding a cause for MSA? I need to talk

> further with Dr. Parisi at Mayo and find out what

> types of research they do with brain tissue donations.

>

> On a different subject, how long did it take you to

> get used to " not " caring for Charlotte? My mother is

> really struggling with that right now. Of course, it's

> only been a week and a couple of days since my father

> passed away. For the past year, she spent her entire

> day caring for him. (They never hired outside help).

> She doesn't know what to do with herself now.

>

> She is also really struggling with the question, " Is

> there anything I could have done to save him? " She

> wonders if he would still be here if she had taken him

> to the Dr. when he first started feeling bad. Maybe he

> had an infection we didn't know about. Also, she

> doesn't know CPR and wonders if she had if he would

> still be alive. It's a moot point, but I think that

> even if she did know CPR he wouldn't have made it. If

> he had, I don't think he would have been the same.

> This is such a difficult time and we have so many more

> questions than we have answers. In the end, it doesn't

> really matter much because what happened happened and

> we can't change it now. Still, I wish we all had just

> one more day with him.

>

> I'm rambling...

>

> Thanks!

>

>

>

>

> --- Werre b.werre@...> wrote:

> > ,

> >

> > You didn't start anything, you just asked a good

> > question. I know this is a

> > tough time for you and your family, don't let this

> > misunderstanding get you

> > down. I don't think anyone is really upset.

> > Remember we are still family

> > here on the list.

> >

> > I just think some of the newer people don't realize

> > the ties between this

> > list, Vanderbilt University and the SDS/MSA Support

> > Group. That coupled with

> > the outbreak of SPAM on the list recently has many a

> > little perturbed (the

> > SPAM has Pam and me uptight also). I just wanted to

> > let newer members know

> > that Don is a member of the list and was before I

> > came on the list.

> > Vanderbilt University started this list (with the

> > SDS/MSA Support Group) in

> > 1995 and provided the server (actually it still

> > works) until July 2000, when

> > they moved us here to get more services. Pam and I

> > are generally the only

> > ones on the old list and refer people here when they

> > find that one.

> >

> > Hugs to you, Bill Werre

> >

> >

> --------------------------------------------------------

> >

> > M Bruner wrote:

> >

> > > I think Don was just responding to my email asking

> > > about possible organizations to whom my family and

> > I

> > > could donate the money that was contributed in my

> > > father's memory. Sorry if I started something.

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> > If you do not wish to belong to shydrager, you may

> > unsubscribe by sending a blank email to

> >

> > shydrager-unsubscribe

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >