Dutch; brain fogg; life expectancy.

[Guest guest]

Zeker leuk (certainly fun) om 'n berichtje in het Nederlands tegen te

komen (to come accross a message in Dutch). I've never gotten past

being terribly homesick - al is het meer dan twintig jaar (even though

it is over 20 years). Zekere dagen brengt het me tranen in m'n ogen

(some days it can bring tears to my eyes).

As far as te brain fogg, everything is taking me twice as long to

process, my hands are clumsy and my eyesight fuzzy unless I can take

even longer to focus them properly, the sheer effort is exhausting and

the results sub-standard to what I was used to and more importantly

what others had become used to from me. I may appear to function

adequately if you've never known me, but to those who do the lagging

behind is obvious, and this above all else has made me unemployable.

The harder I try to bring my level of competence up the worse it

becomes. Very depressing having to let your abilites slide downhill,

especially for a control freak like me. Fortunately I have a sense of

humour which keeps me from hanging myself, and I did learn to

occasionally accept a helping hand.

What I am not able to register is that this is terminal, I can say it

and write it but I cannot feel it. Might help that I spent my

formative years as a hippie taking everything as it comes while never

expecting to make it past 25 (which means I've been on borrowed time

for about 23 years). I fear losing my independence most, I'd like to

die before losing it, not interested in prolonging as life which has

no more value than just being around, like a piece of furniture, just

in the hope a cure is found.