PS Today

[Guest guest]

I can't quite believe it but it is 9/23 and in about 4 1/2 hours I will be

undergoing a tummy tuck, thigh lift, and back lift. The purpose of all this

is to remove excess skin that has seemed to be unwilling to be removed any

other way. It's funny but everything else seemed to pretty much pop back

into place. But that whole core area just refuses to cooperate.

I am excited. Finally it has dawned on me what it will mean to have this

excess skin removed. It *really* bothers me particularly when I try to wear

casual clothes like shorts, jeans, or skirts (i.e. things without a jacket).

I try on like 12 things and no matter what I try on it's there. It has

gotten more pronounced also as I toned up other parts of myself.

I have to admit I am scared. I think as scared as I was with WLS and I keep

telling myself that that turned out perfectly fine so this will too. That

whole positive thinking thing! But I am still scared even with the pep talk.

Mostly I am scared something will go wrong and what was this vain thing I did

will be permanently damaging -- less afraid of the death route than the route

where I am disfigured or have to have other surgeries to fix it, or just out

for a while as a result of complications.

I was not afraid of that with the WLS -- partly because I was naive and just

assumed there were only two options: success or death. The whole middle

ground of complications just did not even occur to me.

I'm also quite seriously afraid that I will be disappointed with the results

-- that I am expecting too much from this procedure. I have it in my head

that I will no longer have a stomach, or folds of skin around my back, or

these folds around my upper thighs and that's what the surgeon told me I

would get but somehow I just don't believe that is really possible and I have

this fear that my expectations and reality won't mesh at all. I actually

have this fear that I will come out of the surgery with the same tummy,

thighs, and back I have now.

And I am afraid of the pain afterwards. I remember how horrible I felt with

the WLS. I just did not bounce back and it wasn't until 6 months later that

I felt normal. I don't like the idea of not feeling up to things for 6

months. I just don't want my fall and winter to be marred by pain or

discomfort.

I keep thinking beyond the 6 months, to April 2003, when I will be surely all

healed. I think about starting sailing season not feeling uncomfortable

wearing shorts. I think about the summer and wearing a bathing suit without

feeling totally self-conscious, or wearing a summer skirt without having to

wear a girdle underneath.

I'd like to thank everyone for their support through this. It has been

somehow a harder thing to do than the WLS. Thank you for sharing your

thoughts and pictures and encouragement. It really made a tremendous

difference.

Four more hours now. I keep thinking I should back out and then I think, but

if you do, you will be the same next year and the year later, and so forth.

And I just don't want to live a lifetime with all this excess skin. It's

annoying! I hate that I have to do this -- hate that it didn't just bounce

back! Hate that I allowed myself to get so damn fat that the consequence is

that even losing the weight does not make things normal! What was I

thinking?? I wasted most of my life (I was fat from 8 to 35) being huge. I

just ate and ate and ate with little interest in any other activity and with

no awareness of the consequences beyond satisfying the urge for whatever

interested me. I look at pre-WLS me and wonder how could someone let herself

look like that?? I looked like HELL and felt just as awful. And sometimes

when I look at then and compare to now, I think I should just be happy where

I am. As though I have reached my personal best and reduce my expectations.

But I can't seem to do that. And it's not only that I am that way with my

physical appearance. I want to run faster. To be able to work out harder

with weights. To excel even more professionally. To strengthen my

friendships and family connections even more. It's as though the girl who

was once satisfied with so little, now wants every thing and more.

I am sorry to go on and on. I am really scared and the only way I seem to be

able to cope in these hours is to type away to the lists. Strangely, last

night, I went across the street to get a chocolate bar and some ice cream (I

was so stressed and figured I deserved to cheat). I've been without sugar

now for 3 weeks. Today is week 4. A previous customer and the sales clerk

got into a screaming match and I waited, and waited, and then just left. I

am so glad I did not give in to that desire to coat my feelings with food.

It is a true indication that the WLS has made a difference and has helped me

to own feelings without turning to food. I think this is what I am MOST

grateful for from the WLS. I know you guys understand when I tell you that

from 8 to 35, I was constantly " owned by food. " It dominated my entire life

and I was controlled by it and was on a roller coaster of emotions that came

from eating enormous quantities of food. Today, life is so different and

while I have not beat back every demon, many are quieted down. I am hoping

that the plastics will quell those demons that don't allow me to see how far

I have come. Something about still struggling with what to wear makes the

demons resurface, so maybe, I think, just maybe, straightening out all those

lumps and bulges removing that skin that was part of my life in obesity, will

deaden a demon or two.

Well, enough said. Nervous Nellie goes to the plastic surgeon.

Much love.

se

Baltimore, MD

Open RNY 11/22/99, Dr. Sweet, Reading, PA

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=L951569336 " >http:\

//www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/profile.phtml?N=L951569336

11/22/99 324, BMI 51

12/6/99 301, BMI 47

1/27/00 280, BMI 44

2/22/00 270, BMI 42

3/16/00 262, BMI 41

5/31/00 244, BMI 38 (no longer extremely obese... just plain obese)

7/22/00 224, BMI 35

9/23/00 220, BMI 34 (and still obese)

10/16/00 216, BMI 34

11/7/00 210, BMI 33 (65 pounds from goal!!!)

5/8/01 196, BMI 31 (new goal 157; I am 5'7 " that would give me a BMI

of 24.6; 39 pounds to go)

9/13/01 196, BMI 31 (Stuck!)

1/24/02 190, BMI 29.7 (slightly overweight!! have lost 80.2% of my

excess weight)

4/2/02 200, ARGH! Very frightening moment. Hopefully I can lose back

down to 190 quickly!

4/28/02 201 (started a starch-free, 4 hours a week of exercise

program...weighed in at the gym)