Regrets: children in later years

November 3, 2002

I'm one of those who women who LOVE children and they love me. Sadly, I

" probably " won't have a child. I had a couple of things " I felt " going

against me.

1. You see ... I am someone who always let my weight get in the way of

relationships ... I never purposely set out to do this, but I put up HUGE

barriers. Men obviously read this and stayed far away. I always chalked it

up to being fat. I was pretty, but fat and pretty ... not good enough. I

needed to be pretty and thinner.

BUT ... I was always puzzled as to why I would see overweight women in

relationships. Hmmm ...

2. I also decided to marry someone within my faith life and that never

happened. The pickings ... slim with each passing year. The men of my

" religious affiliation " are a bunch of scaredy cats ... afraid ... so afraid

of a confident woman ...

Everyone around me married and had babies. During my fertile years, I was

agonizing over the fact that all my friends married and were having babies

and here I was " without " in so many ways. Now all these friends babies that

I held when I was 18 or 19 are now having babies of their own ... the STING

is unbearable at times. I cannot tell you how many times I've cried about

this.

Now ... here I am at 42 ... thinner ... I've met a wonderful man with the

same religious flavor ... but he's still working through the emotions of his

divorce. He also LOVES my confidence ... BUT ... he also DOESN'T WANT

CHILDREN ... which is against the true desire of my heart. I've told him

how I feel and he's told me his feelings about children (he has two of his

own ...) . He has admitted that " miracles can happen... " Yet, I feel like

I'm in a Catch-22 ... part of me knows I'm getting WAY beyond having a

child. I could get pregnant, but would I have the energy to carry and raise

a child???? The other part still deeply desires to have child ...

You know ... I'm right on the cusp ... yet I still cry ... I hope this makes

sense ...

thanks for " listening ... "

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