Re: Wonderful, accepting husbands (and wives)

[Guest guest]

I've lost track of the name of the original poster here (yes, it's

Monday morning...and I only drink decaf now, so it takes a while for my

brain to click into gear, if it's going to), who said that her husband

has loved her literally through thick and thin, and that she now feels

that his credibility as a critic is shot. I wanted to say: I am in

exactly the same boat. I totally get where this one is coming from.

My husband is a sweetheart, and has always seen me for me -- even when

I was morbidly obese, he chafed at that designation because he said it

sounded so ugly, and I was far from ugly. When we first met, I was

heavier than I am now (and a lot less fit); he's seen me through my

various ups and downs, and has been my cheerleading squad all the way

through. He has always tried to make me feel wanted and desirable, even

on my worst days. I cannot say how much I have appreciated this over

the years...but there has always been a part of me that has felt unable

to accept his acceptance of me. When he'd say, " You're so beautiful, "

my inner retort would be, " ...and you're blind as a friggin' bat, my

dear, but I love you for it! "

Now, he's saying much the same thing (and adding adjectives like

" amazing " and " courageous " ), and I'm feeling much the same way. Why is

this? I know it has nothing to do with what he's saying -- it's all

about how I've internalized my own view of myself, as a

not-very-attractive woman, whether fat or thin. I fully acknowledge

that this is my problem, not his. For years, his was the only voice out

there telling me I was beautiful -- I had all the voices of my

childhood and adolescence, not to mention the cover of every women's

magazine at the supermarket checkout, every television program I saw,

every movie I went to, every store mannequin I passed, telling me

otherwise, very clearly and emphatically, with vivid illustrations. I

was fat, and fat is ugly. From my perspective, the fact that my husband

could not see this was not a tribute to his superior powers of

observation, but evidence of possible, though relatively harmless,

mental illness.

Lately, I've had guys coming onto me every time I turn around. It's a

strange experience, having guys I don't know chatting me up, after all

those years of invisibility. But in my own perverse way, I believe

these strangers more than I believe my own husband, as objective

sources of information about my attractiveness or lack thereof. I love

the guy to death, and would never want him to *stop* telling me how

much he loves me, or how beautiful he thinks I am...but as for trusting

his judgment about my attractiveness? Nah. Sorry.

I know I'm probably alienating half the board with this post --

especially those of you with unappreciative, unsupportive spouses or

family members. Believe me, I do know exactly how lucky I am. I am

grateful every day for my relationship with this precious man, and I

love it that he thinks I'm hot, and says so. But as for trusting that I

really *am* the way he sees me? Well, it's something to strive for.

I'll let you know if I ever get there.

--

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RNY September 19, 2001

Dr. Freeman, Ottawa General Hospital

BMI then: 43.5

BMI now: 23

-147 lbs

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