Distant Echoes and Ancient Shadows

[Guest guest]

I have read, with empathy and understanding, some of the recent posts

by folks who had to come grips with self image and the societal

constructs that directed much of their previous life. I have felt

those cold shadows from the past chill my soul. But then I remember

that today is a new day and I am new. Really new--since I passed on

twice and was brought back. The past can only hurt me if I let it

deter my journey into a new today.

I don't mean to diminish life the experiences of others. But

hauntings from the past and unhappiness with our " self " is a

universal element in the constellation of issues faced by the

morbidly obese. I never suffered fom some of the tragic abuses of

others, I had my own issues. Years of denials and rejections because

of my appearance brought me to believe that I was only getting what I

deserved any way. After all, I was really a " lard bucket " and not

really worth much. The achievements in my life didn't really seem to

mean anything. When I looked at a picture of myself getting an

award, I felt sadness that grew into disgust over the years. I

couldn't understand why I had become such uninviting fat slob. Icame

to accepted and expect the social, personal, and professional

rejections because I had come to believe that I didn't really deserve

anything.

I had grown up in an extended family environment with big tall Nordic

folks on side and equally big Italian folks on the other. When I

say " big, " I mean more than six feet tall and built solidly like

football linebackers and I don't mean " fat. " I was supposed to be

just like them, so I grew up believing I was big. But I always felt

unhappy with my " self. " The problem was that I was only 5'9 " and, as

I now know 50 years later, actually a small-boned person. However,

my inate physiognomy did not stop the families from trying to " put

meat on my bones. " As a youth when I came home on leave from the

military, a very fit and lean young lion, my mother cried because I

looked " emaciated. " I was never told I " fat, " but that being " big "

runs in our family. Well-meaning and loving folks had helped to

reinforce the delusion of being " big-boned. " I really didn't comne

to grips with myself as " fat " until a few years ago when health

issues forced a real long hard look at what my future might be.

Baloney! I was a beachball with legs waiting to die: sleep apnea,

high blood pressure, diabetes, high choleterol, asthma, gastric

reflux, psorisis and other issues. Believing I was just " big " had

given me the permission to do all the wrong things and move myself to

the brink of disaster.

When I was faced with the catastrophes of looming diabetic

amputations and additional strokes, I had to come to grips with

reality--I am really not a big person. Hell, now I can wear a Boy's

XL shirt or Man's 15. I used to wear 18 1/2 to 19 shirts. I was set

up to feel unhappy with a " normal " weight and made to feel okay with

overweight. I am not saying that these social interactions are the

only reason that I was obese--of course not, nobody force-fed me. My

own food patterns, life style choices, and physiology were all part

of the picture. But those social/familial issues must become only

distant echoes bouncing off the shadows of my past.

As difficult as some of the issues are, which some of our online

community have faced, they have to be relegated to the back corner of

life--like wind chimes on an abandoned porch, you will hear them

distantly from time to time. But, the past is passed. The future is,

for us, a brilliantly clear and sparkling new dawn. We have to go

forward into it and not dwell on the nightmares of our past. After

all that we have gone through--the WLS and life-threatening bowel

obstructions, ventral hernias, redundant skin issues, and assorted

reconstructive surgeries--we deserve the new day. Our courage, our

will to change our life, and our suffering has earned that walk under

the new sun for each of us.

God bless. Embrace the warmth of the new day that you have earned.

Rick S. -- The Nortalian Stallion

" The journey is the destination. " [but don't leave home without your

vitamins.]

--Subtotal Gastrectomy with Open Distal RNY Bypass (4/25/00)

--Emergency plication for gangrenous bowel obstruction (11/08/01)

--Panniculectomy, nerve releases, abdominoplasty, ventral hernia

repairs (2/21/02)

--Ventral hernia repairs (9/17/02)