FW: libido, how to begin pinpointing the problem

[Guest guest]

Well...this is from a post Ceep sent us from about a year ago. I saved

it....knowing that it would come up (pun intended) again, and again and

again.....

Sue in Las Vegas

libido, how to begin pinpointing the problem

Dear ALL: I am reading the posts on libido, and trying to stay above the

waves of mail to me privately on this matter...and my head is going a

thousand miles an hour because, for each person posting, there are very

different 'symptoms,' and thereby, likely very different responses are

required for each soul.

Rather than write a treatise here, I would say these things and see if you

might for yourself, pinpoint which is the biggest issue, or issues in

descending order; (sorry if I am repeating myself...) Pinpoint the exact

problem by going through this list:

1.Sexual feeling is different than

2. sexual response. (The first is the ability to feel arousal and to hold to

it. The second is the ability to respond to another person sexually. These

are not the same, as per 's comment about self-pleasuring vs. having

sex " out there " with another soul.

3. Sexual drive is different than either of the above. (Sexual drive is the

search, the hunt, the drive, the feeling of pressure to find arousal,

pleasure, to find " relief, " to find conclusion, " cain't get no

sat-is-fact-shun, " etc. etc. that is a sex drive song--a frustrated sex

drive song )

4. Erotic drive is a given in all human beings, save those who suffer from

autism and some of what are called anti-social disorders. Sexual drive is

different than erotic feeling. Eros, the god of love amongst the ancient

Greeks means the desire to be related to another human being in an intimate

way. The clearest example of this is when a person is wishing for a lover,

mate, special friend. This desire involves longing and yearning when one

does NOT have a person to call their own.

5. sexual satisfaction is different than all of the above. Sexual

satisfaction is the capacity to feel stunned, rested, knocked out, sizzled

to death, squeezed dry, and all those other (blush, blush, blush) things

people say about how they feel afterward when they are too pooped to pop.

6. Sexual vitality is a combination of all of the above. Some people are

BORN with low to moderate vitality. Some are born with high vitality. Some

are off the charts at both ends. A person of any level of vitality can have

a good and wonderful life with all 4 aspects above. Their frequency (and

sometimes duration--like once a time rather than 3-5 times a time) are what

are different from a person who has a lot of oomph--so to speak -grin).

Now, a couple more things for now and then I will be quiet and listen some

more:

if your lover does not know how to make love, how to please you, move you;

if you cannot tell them how, if you do not know how, you cheat yourself of

having close and beautiful experiences when you do have sex--even if only

once a year or two. (don't snicker--there are plenty of people who have sex

MUCH less than anyone suspects--EVER) Please take a look at Lonnie Barbach's

work (in books) about being a sexual being. There are likely other books,

but she was the pioneer in the field talking to folks about their right to

be fully human, sexually and otherwise. If you do not like your partner,

do not trust them, or are indifferent to them (or they to you) if you have

control issues with them (want them to

'behave' themselves, etc.) ; if you are " too busy, " preoccupied, exhausted

with all the commitments you have taken on--these are real aspects of being

on the " wrong channel " for love-making. Switch the channel by being

together, being loving with each other, talking frankly, telling each other

what you like. (some who are frozen in place with each other, would benefit

from counseling for couples to get to the bottom of the real troubles.) (I

know what you mean about fellacio being many a man's favorite, but there is

more to dinner besides just the steak. That can be a part, but there has to

be something in it for you too---Like what? You decide. Different couples

create different scenarios.

The desire to have sex, like the desire to eat has something to do with

being near a desirable " other. " The desire to have sex with one's long term

mate is not the same as wanting to have sex with an unknown or new person.

The former is a dance you do. The latter is a dance that does you.

it is true there are hormonal issues for men and women. i remember one of

my patients in her 70s who complained about not having any interest in

having sex, and her pcp told her he could prescribe estrogens to help in

this area. her reply was " the doc wants to give me a mosquito bite so I can

scratch it. "

The last thing I would like to offer here is this; we have in our private

support group several persons who thought, hoped, wished--and who can every

blame them given our culture's obsession we all have to swim or sink

in--that when they had this surgery they would look like a 'normal person,'

often for the first time in their lives. or that they would with lots of

ps's look like a film boychik or girlchik.

But, for our members, the ravages of time and obesity has marked their

bodies as surely as a continent is marked on a map. It has not only left

them with flapping skin (hey, I could paint myself red, white and blue, and

on a flagpole, I would snap smartly in the wind myself) but also the fascia

under the skin is disturbed--pulled away from its moorings; what in our

group we term " extreme cottage cheese, " texture--large curds of course---we

do nothing

in minutiae. Also the elasticity of the skin is no longer snug in this area

and that; we giggle and cry too about pulling it all up in a ponytail

(massive for me) on top of our heads and wearing a great hat everywhere.

But, regarding how we look, or at least how I look, I feel mercy for my

body. And though she slaps and whacks and flibbers and flitters when i

walk--running is a life-threatening experience-- I love her, for she has

done everything she can to help, and I tell her every chance I get-- and at

my age, it is a heart necessity, that she still looks good in half-light

with

carious draping and this covered and that exposed--- and it is all all

right, for what is it but the pleasure of giving and receiving pleasure that

matters in these instances.

All in all: check these out in this order:

1. Physiological--there are tests to estimate your hormone levels

2. Relational-- do you have someone near who wants to have sex with you and

whom you want to have sex with. (sorry forbeing so blunt) If not, learn to

extend and expand self-pleasure--take a look at Barbach's book and others.

3. Mateship; what is the real status of your intimacy with your mate, your

honesty with your mate. That he/she is a nice guy and supportive and wants

to do what you want to do, or doesn't... none of these are enough of an

answer to free you from whatever place one is stuck in...

4. Psychological: we have talked about this many times before--body

dysmorphia--being unaware of your body--this includes how it looks as well

as how you FEEL about your body, as well as how well you know your body--its

pain and pleasure thresholds both. Under the psychological are also sexual

abuse issues, shame at having been obese, a few years or a lifetime of

thinking one was unworthy--of just about everything. There is a long LONG

list of items in this category. The latter are very well helped by

psychotherapy.

The most important thing you can do is logically breakdown the components of

" lack of desire " and deal with each one to the best of your ability. This

will improve matters greatly. Your body, our bodies are MADE by divine

forces; there is no way I would believe that our minds which are so

alive--as witnessed by the posts here-- would be housed in bodies that are

any less than beautiful and vital--each in her and his own way. I think the

GB community is massively brave. The GBers stepped out into a night

illumined by only one small lantern---of those who have gone before us. I

believe with all my heart that the divinity in each soul ought lead, not

the culture's skewed sexual tourist industry.

no lack of love,

ceep

If you missed the epistle I fashioned on sex drive last week, email and i

will be happy to find it and send it to you.

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