Subject: I am sorry for myself today

[Guest guest]

Jill:

You mean you only feel sorry for yourself today. If that is the case, your a better woman then I am. I've felt sorry for myself a few times just this week. Life they say isn't suppose to be a rose garden, but it would be nice to be in that garden once in awhile. I do know how you feel. Life is suppose to be up's and down's, but with some life's it seem's to be more of the down's then ups.I know mine has had more down's then up's, but life is still beautiful like the movie's said. Long before Fred got DX four years ago, I'd had what my doctor called a hard life. Fred would abuse me with his words, never trusted me, always would say I was running around on him. None of these were true and it hurt, but I stayed here because I loved him, maybe some because of selfworth. Not feeling I was worth much to anyone. It's hard to say. That's the one thing that came out of this MSA that is good. Fred know's what kind of person I am. With all the hurt he did to me, I'm the one that is here helping him. He now tell's me how sorry he is for all the hurt that he cause me in his life and he cry's about it. I just tell him that , the pass is gone and we go on from here.Then none of my kids finish high school. Oh! the oldest was on the deans list with a 3.5 grade ave, but he fell in love with the girl who he is married to now and her mother didn't want them together, so she sent back east and Brett couldn't stand it , and drove the 1800 miles to be with her. Doing that 3 months before the end of school. I have pictures here of him in his cap and grown, but it didn't happen. Broke my heart, I looked forward to that so. Then the second boy said he would do nothing like that, well he did the same thing 5 months later. Run off with his girl friend and he is still running, but it seem's now his running from us. This is the son we were always there for but never hear from. Not even a word from him on mother's day. Then there is our daughter , with her I can understand what it is like to have a child that is into drinking and drugs, she was the one. Went from pot to harder stuff, then after missing for nine days came back and got off the drugs , but went into drinking. The only thing that changed her , was having Hannah. She has been God's blessing in 's life, what a different he can make.

I've had all of these things and more happen to me, and now we have to live with whatever each day has for us with this MSA. Someday are good and some are so so, but all are worth living. God they say won't give you more then we can handle, at times I ask him if he has the right person. I know he know's me better then I do because he has and I question it and shouldn't. My day's still have it's up's and down's. is getting married in Nov, but just found out she is going to have another baby. If you knew , You would know she is the woman from H--L when she is going to have one. Calls crying to me all the time and it doesn't matter what time it is. One night it was 1am in the morning. The one day I said that I wish Bill could of put me in the suitcase and gone to the Land of Oz. I wasn't kidding. With the way she gets for the 9 months, I would of loved to been dropped off in the outback where no one would find me. God keeps giving me more to handle and I just ask Are you sure? Out of all of this, I seem to be able to which at one time I never dreamed I could, but from all the hardship I've learned that I'm stronger then I knew and I'm proud of who I am and you should to. I've came across this verse that I'm putting in here . This tell you who you are. You can do it Jill and don't worry if someday you are feeling sorry for yourself, we all have at sometime or another. There's nothing that said we can't.

Love & hugs Vera

A good woman is proud. She respects herself and others.

She is aware of who she is. She neither seeks definition

from the person she is with, nor does she expect them to

read her mind. She is quite capable of articulating her needs.

A good woman is hopeful. She is strong enough to make all

her dreams come true. She knows love, therefore she gives

love. She recognizes that her love has great value and must be

reciprocated. If her love is taken for granted, it soon disappears.

A good woman has a dash of inspiration and a dabble of endurance.

She knows that she will at times have to inspire others to reach

their full potential. A good woman knows her past, understands

her present and forces toward the future.

A good woman does not live in fear of the future because of her

past. Instead, she understands that her life experiences are

merely lessons meant to bring her closer to self-knowledge and

unconditional self-love.

Subject: I am sorry for myself today

As the subject says, today is not a good day. When I look back to this

time last year everying was so good. Nothing could hold us back as a

family.

NOW. was dx with MSA last 0ctober, as as you may recall he is not

dealing at all well with the situation and is very depressed and just sits

in his chair all day, crying alot. Nothing we can do or suggest can lift

him. He is on anti depressants and we have a psychiatrist to help but

nothing seems to get through to him. He was always a strong character and

it is so hard to see him this way.

Our wonderful son (28) split from his partner in January, they have

a lovely home which he rebuilt, and a gorgeous son

Jack who is 4. found the breakup so painful that he strated to

drink heavily, He is now in a terrible mess. and twice in the last 3

weeks he has tried to take his life. He is now in a hospital place of

safety where they are going to help his severe depression and as there is

no places available in a detox centre (they are few here) for about 3

months they are going to

try and detiox him in the hospital. If he was one of life's b******s it

would be so easy to let him get on and self destruct but

he is a lovely guy who is worth saving.

My daughter was doing so well at University and they could see great

things for her, but now with her dad and her brother

in trouble her work has suffered so badly that her future now does not look

so good.

These are the reasons I feel sorry for myself today. I cannot belive our

wonderful life has changed so much for the worse.

We have great support from our doctor, but at the end of the day WE have to

face these battles as a family. Most day I am ok I can cope (with help of

a little pill - which just lifts my anxiety) but today I am not so good.

Thank you for 'listening'

JILL