Guest guest Posted June 7, 2002 Report Share Posted June 7, 2002 Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx " The trees taunt you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name... and they say golf is a quiet game. " ---Anonymous " I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser. " ---Arnold Palmer xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, " I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names " The old man hung his head. " I have to tell you the truth, " he said, " I forgot her name about 10 years ago. " xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx [i receive a list of fractured similes that were so good, I hurt my face laughing. So I am sending out only a few at time.] Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. Sue Lin Chong, Washington His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. Chuck , Woodbridge He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. ph Romm, Washington She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Rich , Fairfax Station The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. Beland, Springfield xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx ETERNAL TRUTHS 1) Once over the hill, you pick up speed. 2) I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food. 3) If it weren’t for STRESS I’d have no energy at all. 4) Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 5) Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film. 6) I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much. 7) Dogs have owners. Cats have staff. 8) We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails. 9) Some days are a total waste of makeup. 10) Do you believe in love at first sight ... or should I walk by you again? 11) If the shoe fits...buy it in every color. 12) If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out. 13) Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 14) Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 15) Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 16) If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before. 17) My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. 18) Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. 19) It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 20) For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. 21) If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. 22) Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. 23) A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 24) Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. 25) A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. 26) Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. 27) Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 28) Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it. 29) There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 30) Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 31) By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 32) Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. 33) Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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