food vs. feelings

[Guest guest]

I've been following this thread -- wondering when y'all would notice me

raising my hand waving it in the air screaming, " me to -- me to " -- well,

kind of thought I better type since y'all aren't going to see my hand waving

here.

> Subject: Re: Being Aware of What and Why You're Eating

That was the subject but I changed it because (I could so I did... LOL...)

No, I changed it because while I don't have the answer to how to stop -- I

have noticed that certain " bad " food makes me " feel " a certain way and when

I want to " feel " that way I can turn to <__ bad food choice__> to make

myself feel that way.

I know, therapy, yes, for years and years and all the " under tones " of why

I make the choices I make and all the garbage from the past and dealing with

it all today and learning to do better -- and when we know better we do

better and all that stuff...

Well, all that stuff really does help to know about 95% of the time but

then I'm left with the 5% of the time when I choose a bad food choice...

Not once...

Not twice...

But over and over and over again...

That food makes me " feel " something I am striving to feel -- a good feeling

usually if I don't dump on it -- but, if it is a high end carb and I want to

sleep and I know that bread on my sandwich is going to make me sleepy then I

break, I eat it, I get sleepy, I sleep...

For me, every time I make a bad choice it is to " gain " something (yes, I

know it makes me gain weight) but I mean, gain something emotionally.

Last night we had a business dinner and I wanted to feel " normal " and I

wanted to feel " lady like " so I ordered a " normal " choice from the menu and

I left enough on my plate to be " lady like " -- the dumb part is probably not

another person in the world even noticed what I ordered or what was on my

plate but me (dumb huh?) But, I know that is what I was doing -- my " desire "

to feel normal and lady like out weighed my longer term desire to stay thin

and healthy...

That's why I changed the subject to food vs. feelings... not because I

always eat at my anger -- the therapy has helped with that stuff but the

" good " feelings that food gives me -- those things I strive for in a

" perfect world " where I always fail *sigh*

Anyway, I thought maybe some one else could relate to this... I passed on

desert but not without the comment (since the waiter had the audacity to sit

the desert tray right in front of me on the table) of, " Oh, not for me...

just having the tray sitting here probably put 6 inches on my hips! " Well,

the comment was mostly to myself -- thank goodness no one heard me but the

waiter who quickly moved it (duh...)

But, I got angry because the other lady at the table ordered this really

great chocolate thing and it was the most yum looking thing you can imagine

and she is " normal " sized and a normal person and she ate more than I did

for dinner PLUS that WHOLE piece of cake and she didn't " look " un-lady-like

and I KNOW she wasn't sitting there with all this " crap " in her head about

dinner *ewwww.....* I just hate this disease at times -- the one in my head.

Ok, lets see... junk food... that happens almost always as a direct result

of me not feeling worthy to have a good life -- for some reason, I begin to

" feel " like a failure and I follow it up with a food that will be " solid

proof " that I am a failure and if I'm already a failure then I don't even

have to try right? Because if your not a failure then people expect so much

more from you and if you are a failure then they won't expect so dang much

and it is ok to be " less than " but just to make sure let me drive through Mc

's here and grab a filet of fish with fries... there, now I really am

a failure and they can't expect anymore from me right?

Yuck... I can see where this whole thread is taking me and I don't think I

really want to know anymore right now.

luv ya all

~denise

One sick puppy who draws the line at fat free doggie treats!!!