food vs. feelings

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/11/2002 5:17:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

datwell@... writes:

<< But, I got angry because the other lady at the table ordered this really

great chocolate thing and it was the most yum looking thing you can imagine

and she is " normal " sized and a normal person and she ate more than I did

for dinner PLUS that WHOLE piece of cake and she didn't " look " un-lady-like

and I KNOW she wasn't sitting there with all this " crap " in her head about

dinner *ewwww.....* I just hate this disease at times -- the one in my head.

>>

Ah but we have no way of knowing whether or not she goes to powder her nose

and throws it all up, or if she starved all day to have the one meal, or

hopefully it was an indulgence that she can have every once in a great while.

B

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/11/2002 5:17:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

datwell@... writes:

<< But, I got angry because the other lady at the table ordered this really

great chocolate thing and it was the most yum looking thing you can imagine

and she is " normal " sized and a normal person and she ate more than I did

for dinner PLUS that WHOLE piece of cake and she didn't " look " un-lady-like

and I KNOW she wasn't sitting there with all this " crap " in her head about

dinner *ewwww.....* I just hate this disease at times -- the one in my head.

>>

Ah but we have no way of knowing whether or not she goes to powder her nose

and throws it all up, or if she starved all day to have the one meal, or

hopefully it was an indulgence that she can have every once in a great while.

B

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 9/11/2002 5:17:42 PM Eastern Daylight Time,

datwell@... writes:

<< But, I got angry because the other lady at the table ordered this really

great chocolate thing and it was the most yum looking thing you can imagine

and she is " normal " sized and a normal person and she ate more than I did

for dinner PLUS that WHOLE piece of cake and she didn't " look " un-lady-like

and I KNOW she wasn't sitting there with all this " crap " in her head about

dinner *ewwww.....* I just hate this disease at times -- the one in my head.

>>

Ah but we have no way of knowing whether or not she goes to powder her nose

and throws it all up, or if she starved all day to have the one meal, or

hopefully it was an indulgence that she can have every once in a great while.

B

[Guest guest]

I've been following this thread -- wondering when y'all would notice me

raising my hand waving it in the air screaming, " me to -- me to " -- well,

kind of thought I better type since y'all aren't going to see my hand waving

here.

> Subject: Re: Being Aware of What and Why You're Eating

That was the subject but I changed it because (I could so I did... LOL...)

No, I changed it because while I don't have the answer to how to stop -- I

have noticed that certain " bad " food makes me " feel " a certain way and when

I want to " feel " that way I can turn to <__ bad food choice__> to make

myself feel that way.

I know, therapy, yes, for years and years and all the " under tones " of why

I make the choices I make and all the garbage from the past and dealing with

it all today and learning to do better -- and when we know better we do

better and all that stuff...

Well, all that stuff really does help to know about 95% of the time but

then I'm left with the 5% of the time when I choose a bad food choice...

Not once...

Not twice...

But over and over and over again...

That food makes me " feel " something I am striving to feel -- a good feeling

usually if I don't dump on it -- but, if it is a high end carb and I want to

sleep and I know that bread on my sandwich is going to make me sleepy then I

break, I eat it, I get sleepy, I sleep...

For me, every time I make a bad choice it is to " gain " something (yes, I

know it makes me gain weight) but I mean, gain something emotionally.

Last night we had a business dinner and I wanted to feel " normal " and I

wanted to feel " lady like " so I ordered a " normal " choice from the menu and

I left enough on my plate to be " lady like " -- the dumb part is probably not

another person in the world even noticed what I ordered or what was on my

plate but me (dumb huh?) But, I know that is what I was doing -- my " desire "

to feel normal and lady like out weighed my longer term desire to stay thin

and healthy...

That's why I changed the subject to food vs. feelings... not because I

always eat at my anger -- the therapy has helped with that stuff but the

" good " feelings that food gives me -- those things I strive for in a

" perfect world " where I always fail *sigh*

Anyway, I thought maybe some one else could relate to this... I passed on

desert but not without the comment (since the waiter had the audacity to sit

the desert tray right in front of me on the table) of, " Oh, not for me...

just having the tray sitting here probably put 6 inches on my hips! " Well,

the comment was mostly to myself -- thank goodness no one heard me but the

waiter who quickly moved it (duh...)

But, I got angry because the other lady at the table ordered this really

great chocolate thing and it was the most yum looking thing you can imagine

and she is " normal " sized and a normal person and she ate more than I did

for dinner PLUS that WHOLE piece of cake and she didn't " look " un-lady-like

and I KNOW she wasn't sitting there with all this " crap " in her head about

dinner *ewwww.....* I just hate this disease at times -- the one in my head.

Ok, lets see... junk food... that happens almost always as a direct result

of me not feeling worthy to have a good life -- for some reason, I begin to

" feel " like a failure and I follow it up with a food that will be " solid

proof " that I am a failure and if I'm already a failure then I don't even

have to try right? Because if your not a failure then people expect so much

more from you and if you are a failure then they won't expect so dang much

and it is ok to be " less than " but just to make sure let me drive through Mc

's here and grab a filet of fish with fries... there, now I really am

a failure and they can't expect anymore from me right?

Yuck... I can see where this whole thread is taking me and I don't think I

really want to know anymore right now.

luv ya all

~denise

One sick puppy who draws the line at fat free doggie treats!!!