PS Fears

[Guest guest]

It's 9/11 and instead of being focused on all the tragic stories of loss --

all those thousands of deaths and incredible sadness for all those families,

I'm focused on the fact that 12 days from now I will be having a tt, back

lift, and thigh lift at s Hopkins. I know my surgeon is excellent. I

know I picked a top hospital. I have the dollars and post-op care all worked

out. BUT I AM SCARED. SCARED. SCARED. Is that selfish or what????

I just don't know how you guys do this. I wake up every day thinking,

" Today, I am going to back out. " I've been having trouble sleeping. I'm

getting cranky and short with people. I gave up sugar on Monday and am

having HUGE cravings for anything sweet but so far I have battled them and

won.

And yet... this upcoming surgery is inspiring me in so many ways. The giving

up sugar thing, for instance. This last year I have slipped into having a

little more sugar each and every day and while I am not back to pre-op sugar

intake by any means, it's a lot more empty calories than anyone needs. And

it is not even about a " special dessert " --- every dessert is special for

me!

The surgery has also inspired me to try really hard to be able to do a 12

minute mile. I did it once so far but it was incredibly difficult so I am

trying to get myself used to that pace -- NOT EASY since I have been a VERY

slow runner up until now. But even the notion that I could actually do it

(if only once) has me thrilled beyond belief.

It's inspired me to think about this upcoming year and make plans for the

months ahead rather than just let things hit me as they may.

But I am scared. And I think what makes it WORSE is not being able to come

home post-op. I'm going to my aunt's (because everyone says I should and

that makes sense) but all I really want to do is being able to be in my own

home.

Sigh.

se