Help me help my dad understand

[Guest guest]

I have been crying all morning and I need your help. I need to help

my dad understand why....why I am willing to " risk it all " with this

surgery. You must understand, I have a very close relationship with

my dad. I am a child of divorce (at 6)...a very ugly divorce. I am

the oldest. I was old enough to realize that as my dad left us after

his few hours of visitation every other Saturday, he had tears in his

eyes. His child support was always on time. I never remember a time

that he was late to pick us up or cancelled visitation. He is an

honorable man. He is one of the rare men who will admit it when he

finds out he messed up or was wrong. He is a tough guy but not

afraid to cry. Guess you can tell I love and respect him. I know

that he loves me and only wants what is best for me. This surgery

idea scares him. It doesn't help that we lost my step-mom (Mama in

my heart) in what was supposed a " simple lap gall bladder surgery "

almost 8 years ago. As a family, we have never spent very much time

in the doctor's office. I also know that he doesn't understand what

life is like for the obese. Help me help him understand. Please

email me a few facts about your life as an obese person and the

problems you have had from the surgery and the benefits you have

gained from the surgery. Most importantly, would you do it again

knowing what you know now? Thanks to all.

Hugs,

Jerry, pre-op, Dr. Booth, MS

[Guest guest]

Hi Jerry,

I haven't had surgery yet, but I know what you're going through.

My husband was very much against me having surgery at first. I was

considering the RNY until I found the DS. We went together to a post op

seminar held at the local hospital for the RNY patients support group. The

psychologist lead the meeting. Afterward, I walked up to the Dr. and told

him my husband thought I could just diet and exercise and loose the weight

myself without surgery. The Dr. said, yes she could, but she'd have to

limit herself to 700-800 calories a day for the rest of her life to keep it

off permanently. That said, it was like a light bulb went off in my

husband's head!! He said, I see what you mean. Then after talking with

other post ops who were healthy, and extrememly happy with their decision,

he really came around. Another huge thing was the DS is so much easier to

live normally with than the RNY that that just was even better for both of

us to live with. I hope this helps you. Take Care, Carol

>From: terjer1976@...

>Reply-To: duodenalswitch

>To: duodenalswitch

>Subject: Help me help my dad understand

>Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 14:11:38 -0000

>

>I have been crying all morning and I need your help. I need to help

>my dad understand why....why I am willing to " risk it all " with this

>surgery. You must understand, I have a very close relationship with

>my dad. I am a child of divorce (at 6)...a very ugly divorce. I am

>the oldest. I was old enough to realize that as my dad left us after

>his few hours of visitation every other Saturday, he had tears in his

>eyes. His child support was always on time. I never remember a time

>that he was late to pick us up or cancelled visitation. He is an

>honorable man. He is one of the rare men who will admit it when he

>finds out he messed up or was wrong. He is a tough guy but not

>afraid to cry. Guess you can tell I love and respect him. I know

>that he loves me and only wants what is best for me. This surgery

>idea scares him. It doesn't help that we lost my step-mom (Mama in

>my heart) in what was supposed a " simple lap gall bladder surgery "

>almost 8 years ago. As a family, we have never spent very much time

>in the doctor's office. I also know that he doesn't understand what

>life is like for the obese. Help me help him understand. Please

>email me a few facts about your life as an obese person and the

>problems you have had from the surgery and the benefits you have

>gained from the surgery. Most importantly, would you do it again

>knowing what you know now? Thanks to all.

>Hugs,

>Jerry, pre-op, Dr. Booth, MS

>

>

>----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Jerry,

I haven't had surgery yet, but I know what you're going through.

My husband was very much against me having surgery at first. I was

considering the RNY until I found the DS. We went together to a post op

seminar held at the local hospital for the RNY patients support group. The

psychologist lead the meeting. Afterward, I walked up to the Dr. and told

him my husband thought I could just diet and exercise and loose the weight

myself without surgery. The Dr. said, yes she could, but she'd have to

limit herself to 700-800 calories a day for the rest of her life to keep it

off permanently. That said, it was like a light bulb went off in my

husband's head!! He said, I see what you mean. Then after talking with

other post ops who were healthy, and extrememly happy with their decision,

he really came around. Another huge thing was the DS is so much easier to

live normally with than the RNY that that just was even better for both of

us to live with. I hope this helps you. Take Care, Carol

>From: terjer1976@...

>Reply-To: duodenalswitch

>To: duodenalswitch

>Subject: Help me help my dad understand

>Date: Mon, 14 May 2001 14:11:38 -0000

>

>I have been crying all morning and I need your help. I need to help

>my dad understand why....why I am willing to " risk it all " with this

>surgery. You must understand, I have a very close relationship with

>my dad. I am a child of divorce (at 6)...a very ugly divorce. I am

>the oldest. I was old enough to realize that as my dad left us after

>his few hours of visitation every other Saturday, he had tears in his

>eyes. His child support was always on time. I never remember a time

>that he was late to pick us up or cancelled visitation. He is an

>honorable man. He is one of the rare men who will admit it when he

>finds out he messed up or was wrong. He is a tough guy but not

>afraid to cry. Guess you can tell I love and respect him. I know

>that he loves me and only wants what is best for me. This surgery

>idea scares him. It doesn't help that we lost my step-mom (Mama in

>my heart) in what was supposed a " simple lap gall bladder surgery "

>almost 8 years ago. As a family, we have never spent very much time

>in the doctor's office. I also know that he doesn't understand what

>life is like for the obese. Help me help him understand. Please

>email me a few facts about your life as an obese person and the

>problems you have had from the surgery and the benefits you have

>gained from the surgery. Most importantly, would you do it again

>knowing what you know now? Thanks to all.

>Hugs,

>Jerry, pre-op, Dr. Booth, MS

>

>

>----------------------------------------------------------------------

>

[Guest guest]

Jerry,

I think is also important that you personalize it for him and explain

the things that you can't or couldn't do that you wanted to do..(ie,

remember when the family was doing x and I said I didn't want to do

it, it was because I can't do it or didn't want to embarass myself,

etc. Also let him know about your co-morbidities..I'm sure he

doesn't realize you probably have what most of us have which is

swollen ankles, constant back pain, shortness of breath doing simple

activities, etc..things that are diminishing the quality of your life

and preventing you from doing things you want to do. What he needs

to understand that this is your health and while you want him to

support you, you're not asking his approval, just his support. A lot

of family members have a hard time with that concept. I also think

you need to explain the increased risks you face just by being

morbidly obese, ie, heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes, etc.

While surgery is a risk, the BPD/DS has been around in this form for

over 10 years and has been a proven success. If you've researched

your doctor, you can also give statistics stating why you trust him

and while you feel he'd be able to deal with any complications should

they occur. I think once he's realize how this is affecting you and

the dangers you face just by being MO, he may be more supportive.

It's alright for him to be scared for you and worry about you having

surgery, but he needs to understand that he needs to trust in your

decision and the research you've done and be there for you when you

need him.

*hugs*

Anita

Pre-pre-op in Denver

> I have been crying all morning and I need your help. I need to

help

> my dad understand why....why I am willing to " risk it all " with

this

> surgery. You must understand, I have a very close relationship

with

> my dad. I am a child of divorce (at 6)...a very ugly divorce. I

am

> the oldest. I was old enough to realize that as my dad left us

after

> his few hours of visitation every other Saturday, he had tears in

his

> eyes. His child support was always on time. I never remember a

time

> that he was late to pick us up or cancelled visitation. He is an

> honorable man. He is one of the rare men who will admit it when he

> finds out he messed up or was wrong. He is a tough guy but not

> afraid to cry. Guess you can tell I love and respect him. I know

> that he loves me and only wants what is best for me. This surgery

> idea scares him. It doesn't help that we lost my step-mom (Mama in

> my heart) in what was supposed a " simple lap gall bladder surgery "

> almost 8 years ago. As a family, we have never spent very much

time

> in the doctor's office. I also know that he doesn't understand

what

> life is like for the obese. Help me help him understand. Please

> email me a few facts about your life as an obese person and the

> problems you have had from the surgery and the benefits you have

> gained from the surgery. Most importantly, would you do it again

> knowing what you know now? Thanks to all.

> Hugs,

> Jerry, pre-op, Dr. Booth, MS

[Guest guest]

Hi Jerry-

Remember, Jerry, that there are sometimes underlying and not so

obvious motivations in these transactions. Your Dad may not even be

aware of them. He is accustomed to dealing with you as you are. If

you change, he may very well fear that your relationship with him

will change. It is also pretty likely that he fears that you may not

have a good result from surgery or that he may lose you altogether.

As to making him understand how you feel, I think that the first

thing is to gently let him know how life is for you. Beyond that,

and more importantly, is the health aspect. I will be 60 at my next

birthday. I weigh around 400# and have a BMI of 50+. My weight has

been high since the end of 3rd grade and I have taken my share of

being the but of jokes, ridicule and disdain for my being fat. I

have been much more fortunate than many people who post on these

boards, though, for I have really comfortably adjusted to who I am

and how I am. I really haven't let my weight get me down emotionally

and, because of that, I function well emotionally in the world of the

thin. For that reason, I haven't been terribly motivated to have

surgery - until now.

I am hypertensive. Once a doctor told me that my blood pressure was

high beyond what he would expect from my obesity. That gave me the

green light to attribute the blood pressure to something other than

weight. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and given a cpap. Nobody

told me that obesity was to blame. My lower legs swelled and I have

had three incidents where my veins spontaneously ruptured. Wow, is

that an ugly scene. It scared even the doctor the first time. He

was probing a small spot on my leg and caused it to burst. He

actually ran out of the room to find another doctor to deal with it.

When the bleeding stopped, he told me it was a cancerous growth -

scared me to death! It has happened twice since. I have to have

injections every few months to " dry up " the risky spots. I started

having knee pain a little over a year ago. Then my hip started to

bother me. Now it is hard for me to get from the house to the car

and from the car to wherever I'm going. Now I have GERDS. I retired

three years ago from a career I loved due to my health. ALL OF THIS

IS RELATED TO BEING OVERWEIGHT!

These symptoms all make me sound like a hypochondriac. I am not.

For most of my life I have enjoyed a rather decent quality of

existence. My point is that weight, over time, and despite one's own

denial of health related problems, eventually will cause a multitude

of those health problems to mount up and finally destroy the quality

of the overweight person's life.

My doctor recently asked me how many 70 year old obese people I

knew. I couldn't think of one! I have two children and two

grandchildren and a great wife who will retire this year. I have

grandiose plans as to how we will spend our time in the coming

years. This surgery is my only ticket to living out these plans.

Without it the chances are zero.

Within the past couple of months three different doctors I see have

suggested that I explore surgery. I recoiled in horror. " Those

surgeries are dangerous and have a poor track record, " was my reply.

However, I know two people who have had successful surgeries. One is

an RNY and the other a gastric banding (I can't believe that hers is

so successful). I started to check the options out on the internet

and have been pleasantly amazed to find out about the success of both

the RNY and the DS. For me, the DS has become a very clear choice

and I am doing everything I can to have this surgery as soon as

possible.

I look forward to having most of my comorbidities disappear and the

ones that don't diminish significantly. I know that my chances of

any quality of life are so close to zero without surgery that it is

my only option. The fact that people with a high BMI have almost no

chance of permanent weight loss is very persuasive. It is clear that

my very survival, even for a few more years, is very unlikely without

surgery.

Am I angry with myself that I didn't start down this path earlier?

No! I don't think that the surgery was available until recently that

would meet my needs. The DS now has a long enough track record to

satisfy me that it is a good choice for me.

I don't have a Father or a Mother to give me negative feedback about

this surgery anymore. However, I am really safe in assuming that my

Mother would have sounded a lot like your Dad. I would have told her

that this surgery is the only thing that will give me the chance at

long life with a decent quality of existence. She probably wouldn't

have really listened to me when I explained why I was going forth

with the surgery. I would have had to keep in mind that my reality

would not be changed by her inability to understand.

I wish you my best and I am convinced that we are both on the right

(AND ONLY!) track.

Nick in Sage

[Guest guest]

Hi Jerry-

Remember, Jerry, that there are sometimes underlying and not so

obvious motivations in these transactions. Your Dad may not even be

aware of them. He is accustomed to dealing with you as you are. If

you change, he may very well fear that your relationship with him

will change. It is also pretty likely that he fears that you may not

have a good result from surgery or that he may lose you altogether.

As to making him understand how you feel, I think that the first

thing is to gently let him know how life is for you. Beyond that,

and more importantly, is the health aspect. I will be 60 at my next

birthday. I weigh around 400# and have a BMI of 50+. My weight has

been high since the end of 3rd grade and I have taken my share of

being the but of jokes, ridicule and disdain for my being fat. I

have been much more fortunate than many people who post on these

boards, though, for I have really comfortably adjusted to who I am

and how I am. I really haven't let my weight get me down emotionally

and, because of that, I function well emotionally in the world of the

thin. For that reason, I haven't been terribly motivated to have

surgery - until now.

I am hypertensive. Once a doctor told me that my blood pressure was

high beyond what he would expect from my obesity. That gave me the

green light to attribute the blood pressure to something other than

weight. I was diagnosed with sleep apnea and given a cpap. Nobody

told me that obesity was to blame. My lower legs swelled and I have

had three incidents where my veins spontaneously ruptured. Wow, is

that an ugly scene. It scared even the doctor the first time. He

was probing a small spot on my leg and caused it to burst. He

actually ran out of the room to find another doctor to deal with it.

When the bleeding stopped, he told me it was a cancerous growth -

scared me to death! It has happened twice since. I have to have

injections every few months to " dry up " the risky spots. I started

having knee pain a little over a year ago. Then my hip started to

bother me. Now it is hard for me to get from the house to the car

and from the car to wherever I'm going. Now I have GERDS. I retired

three years ago from a career I loved due to my health. ALL OF THIS

IS RELATED TO BEING OVERWEIGHT!

These symptoms all make me sound like a hypochondriac. I am not.

For most of my life I have enjoyed a rather decent quality of

existence. My point is that weight, over time, and despite one's own

denial of health related problems, eventually will cause a multitude

of those health problems to mount up and finally destroy the quality

of the overweight person's life.

My doctor recently asked me how many 70 year old obese people I

knew. I couldn't think of one! I have two children and two

grandchildren and a great wife who will retire this year. I have

grandiose plans as to how we will spend our time in the coming

years. This surgery is my only ticket to living out these plans.

Without it the chances are zero.

Within the past couple of months three different doctors I see have

suggested that I explore surgery. I recoiled in horror. " Those

surgeries are dangerous and have a poor track record, " was my reply.

However, I know two people who have had successful surgeries. One is

an RNY and the other a gastric banding (I can't believe that hers is

so successful). I started to check the options out on the internet

and have been pleasantly amazed to find out about the success of both

the RNY and the DS. For me, the DS has become a very clear choice

and I am doing everything I can to have this surgery as soon as

possible.

I look forward to having most of my comorbidities disappear and the

ones that don't diminish significantly. I know that my chances of

any quality of life are so close to zero without surgery that it is

my only option. The fact that people with a high BMI have almost no

chance of permanent weight loss is very persuasive. It is clear that

my very survival, even for a few more years, is very unlikely without

surgery.

Am I angry with myself that I didn't start down this path earlier?

No! I don't think that the surgery was available until recently that

would meet my needs. The DS now has a long enough track record to

satisfy me that it is a good choice for me.

I don't have a Father or a Mother to give me negative feedback about

this surgery anymore. However, I am really safe in assuming that my

Mother would have sounded a lot like your Dad. I would have told her

that this surgery is the only thing that will give me the chance at

long life with a decent quality of existence. She probably wouldn't

have really listened to me when I explained why I was going forth

with the surgery. I would have had to keep in mind that my reality

would not be changed by her inability to understand.

I wish you my best and I am convinced that we are both on the right

(AND ONLY!) track.

Nick in Sage

[Guest guest]

Jerry,

What a wonderful thing to be so close to your dad. I

understand your desire to make it clear to him why you

want this surgery so badly. I was very afraid of

surgery until I began researching it. Hearing my

doctor say that he could just about promise me kidney

failure due to my diabetes along with many other

serious health problems, in the next 10 years, made me

think about what was the greater risk. Living with the

weight and KNOWING I was slowly killing myself, or

taking a chance at the hands of a very skilled

surgeon. I thought about all the people who are in

immediate life threatening situations who come into

the hospital er's and make it through emergency

surgeries, and decided that being in at least

reasonably good health right now made my chances of

getting through the surgery more successful. Then I

started looking into and talking to people who had all

ready had the surgery. That makes a big difference!

When you're face to face with someone and see there

before and after pictures and hear their stories, well

you can't help but be impressed. If you can get him to

a info meeting where post ops attend, it may help to

put his fears into perspective. Talk to him first

about how this weight makes you feel, both physically

and emotionally. Then when he has a " background " feel

for what its like for you and can compare it to the

post op stories and people he meets at the meeting, he

can better understand why this is so important to you.

Yes, the fear may still be there, but he will be able

to support your decision maybe. Just remember her

loves you dearly and once he can see whats really in

your best interest, he can share your desire for a

more healthy body and better quality of life through

this surgery. Good luck and I hope things work out for

you. Sincerely, Angel

>

>

> Jerry-

> print out the text from this link, or have him look

> it up..

> http://www.wlscenter.com/Significant_Others.htm

>

> Its a good page, written by a Sig. Other of someone

> wanting surgery.

> Hugs,

> Liane

>

>

>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

>