Cowboys and computer skills

[Guest guest]

A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a

brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a

young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie,

leans out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will

you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his

peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the

Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system

to

get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA

satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young

man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an

image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has

been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database

through an ODBC connected Excel

spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,

receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,

miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and

says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the

cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused

as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me

back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why

not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No

guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even

though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already

knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter

than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...

Now give me back my dog."

_____________________

Computer Skills You Don't Want

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip

any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but supposedly all

true!!!!

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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my

desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill

Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I

try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed

it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer:! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another

keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital

letter V as in Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my

computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the

circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The

man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is

working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same

time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the

letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

See you are an accomplished computer user

compared to these customers