Re: 's Question re: personality change

April 15, 2001

Nan,

What a profound reply to 's concerns. I'm sure you've addressed the secret, and not so secret, fears of many of us pre-ops.Thank you for helping to alleviate my fears.

Marcia

-----Original Message-----From: NanEHart@... Sent: Sunday, April 15, 2001 2:55 AMTo: duodenalswitch Subject: 's Question re: personality change wrote in part: "He said he did not want me to have this surgery, because: "he likes me the way that I am, and that he heard that after this surgery, ones personality changes." Now to tell you the truth, I like that. he was concerned for me as an individual and whatmy personality might be like after the surgery. Cool." Hi ! Over my considerable life (49 years, next Sunday, and to Joe Frost I am a kid) and during considerable efforts at weight loss on my own and in groups, I have indeed seen folks' personalities change during and after weight loss. Now, what I really think is happening isn't a true personality change, I think it is more like relationship changes. As one's reliance on food for comfort, numbing, and stuffing of feelings is reduced, all the emotions that the food used to "deal with" are right out there on the surface, not all disguised and hidden. That sort of change looks like personality change -- the "happy-go-lucky" type suddenly gets sullen and nasty because the anger that was always there can now be seen out in the open. It takes a while to learn to deal with all those feelings we stuff down with food and, consequently, our behavior changes. Then, you have to consider how being fat molds how we interact with the world at large and with others. Not only are there things food does for us, but there are also things fat does for us -- hard as that might be to imagine. Sometimes, being large is as significant as the food factor. Sometimes it is symbolic -- the fat says "I don't want to be overlooked" or "I am scared and hiding in here" or "I don't want to deal with sex and romance" or "I am sensitive and need protection." Lots of things. Now when you change two big factors in a persons method of dealing with life -- first you take away the coping method of overeating, then you add the loss of the size, or in some cases, complete and rapid body shape makeover-- you are going to get changes in behavior, changes in emotional expressiveness, changes in emotional style, and differences in how a person interacts with the world and the people in it. Is this a bad thing? Well, sort of depends on what you are using the food and fat for in your life, what you aren't looking at inside your personality and behavior. This is one reason we need support groups and sometimes need to get into counseling -- to help us sort thru all the changes in our old coping patterns and learn more successful ways of doing the stuff we used to do with food or re claim what ever it is we have let the fat do for us. Taking control of your life back from the fat and ending dependence on eating behaviors can be pretty tough work. Now, you don't say if your friend is a hefty guy. Another thing I have found is that one's foodie friends have almost as much trouble dealing with our weight loss as we sometimes do. Our changing shape and changing behavior stirs up the same stuff for them -- what food does for them and what being fat does for them -- and they may not be willing to look at that stuff. It may be too painful for them to even try to deal with their stuff -- especially if we are having a hard time dealing with the loss of food as a coping mechanism. Then you get two people with "issues" rubbing each other raw in places that never even bumped together before -- not fun to have a relationship that suddenly has bruises and blisters when it used to be easy and comfortable. You see stuff like that mentioned on this site pretty often. Now, should you stay fat and continue eating in the same old way because a friend doesn't want to do the work of making your relationship adjust? Will you keep your favorite old flannel shirt when it is 20 sizes too big? Will you stay a caterpillar and never become a butterfly? That is what you have to decide. You might want to have a frank talk with your friend about this stuff. You might want to talk to a therapist about how to cope with these kinds of changes in your life. This surgery not only alters the way you process food -- it alters how you process your life. You have friends here on this site just waiting to be made. Love, Nan E. ( BMI 70, 386, 5'2", pre-op and waiting) ( oh yeah, Masters in counseling, registered intern with CA Board of Behavioral Sciences) that we are dealing with ----------------------------------------------------------------------

April 15, 2001

Nan,

What a profound reply to 's concerns. I'm sure you've addressed the secret, and not so secret, fears of many of us pre-ops.Thank you for helping to alleviate my fears.

Marcia

-----Original Message-----From: NanEHart@... Sent: Sunday, April 15, 2001 2:55 AMTo: duodenalswitch Subject: 's Question re: personality change wrote in part: "He said he did not want me to have this surgery, because: "he likes me the way that I am, and that he heard that after this surgery, ones personality changes." Now to tell you the truth, I like that. he was concerned for me as an individual and whatmy personality might be like after the surgery. Cool." Hi ! Over my considerable life (49 years, next Sunday, and to Joe Frost I am a kid) and during considerable efforts at weight loss on my own and in groups, I have indeed seen folks' personalities change during and after weight loss. Now, what I really think is happening isn't a true personality change, I think it is more like relationship changes. As one's reliance on food for comfort, numbing, and stuffing of feelings is reduced, all the emotions that the food used to "deal with" are right out there on the surface, not all disguised and hidden. That sort of change looks like personality change -- the "happy-go-lucky" type suddenly gets sullen and nasty because the anger that was always there can now be seen out in the open. It takes a while to learn to deal with all those feelings we stuff down with food and, consequently, our behavior changes. Then, you have to consider how being fat molds how we interact with the world at large and with others. Not only are there things food does for us, but there are also things fat does for us -- hard as that might be to imagine. Sometimes, being large is as significant as the food factor. Sometimes it is symbolic -- the fat says "I don't want to be overlooked" or "I am scared and hiding in here" or "I don't want to deal with sex and romance" or "I am sensitive and need protection." Lots of things. Now when you change two big factors in a persons method of dealing with life -- first you take away the coping method of overeating, then you add the loss of the size, or in some cases, complete and rapid body shape makeover-- you are going to get changes in behavior, changes in emotional expressiveness, changes in emotional style, and differences in how a person interacts with the world and the people in it. Is this a bad thing? Well, sort of depends on what you are using the food and fat for in your life, what you aren't looking at inside your personality and behavior. This is one reason we need support groups and sometimes need to get into counseling -- to help us sort thru all the changes in our old coping patterns and learn more successful ways of doing the stuff we used to do with food or re claim what ever it is we have let the fat do for us. Taking control of your life back from the fat and ending dependence on eating behaviors can be pretty tough work. Now, you don't say if your friend is a hefty guy. Another thing I have found is that one's foodie friends have almost as much trouble dealing with our weight loss as we sometimes do. Our changing shape and changing behavior stirs up the same stuff for them -- what food does for them and what being fat does for them -- and they may not be willing to look at that stuff. It may be too painful for them to even try to deal with their stuff -- especially if we are having a hard time dealing with the loss of food as a coping mechanism. Then you get two people with "issues" rubbing each other raw in places that never even bumped together before -- not fun to have a relationship that suddenly has bruises and blisters when it used to be easy and comfortable. You see stuff like that mentioned on this site pretty often. Now, should you stay fat and continue eating in the same old way because a friend doesn't want to do the work of making your relationship adjust? Will you keep your favorite old flannel shirt when it is 20 sizes too big? Will you stay a caterpillar and never become a butterfly? That is what you have to decide. You might want to have a frank talk with your friend about this stuff. You might want to talk to a therapist about how to cope with these kinds of changes in your life. This surgery not only alters the way you process food -- it alters how you process your life. You have friends here on this site just waiting to be made. Love, Nan E. ( BMI 70, 386, 5'2", pre-op and waiting) ( oh yeah, Masters in counseling, registered intern with CA Board of Behavioral Sciences) that we are dealing with ----------------------------------------------------------------------

April 15, 2001

Nan,

What a profound reply to 's concerns. I'm sure you've addressed the secret, and not so secret, fears of many of us pre-ops.Thank you for helping to alleviate my fears.

Marcia

-----Original Message-----From: NanEHart@... Sent: Sunday, April 15, 2001 2:55 AMTo: duodenalswitch Subject: 's Question re: personality change wrote in part: "He said he did not want me to have this surgery, because: "he likes me the way that I am, and that he heard that after this surgery, ones personality changes." Now to tell you the truth, I like that. he was concerned for me as an individual and whatmy personality might be like after the surgery. Cool." Hi ! Over my considerable life (49 years, next Sunday, and to Joe Frost I am a kid) and during considerable efforts at weight loss on my own and in groups, I have indeed seen folks' personalities change during and after weight loss. Now, what I really think is happening isn't a true personality change, I think it is more like relationship changes. As one's reliance on food for comfort, numbing, and stuffing of feelings is reduced, all the emotions that the food used to "deal with" are right out there on the surface, not all disguised and hidden. That sort of change looks like personality change -- the "happy-go-lucky" type suddenly gets sullen and nasty because the anger that was always there can now be seen out in the open. It takes a while to learn to deal with all those feelings we stuff down with food and, consequently, our behavior changes. Then, you have to consider how being fat molds how we interact with the world at large and with others. Not only are there things food does for us, but there are also things fat does for us -- hard as that might be to imagine. Sometimes, being large is as significant as the food factor. Sometimes it is symbolic -- the fat says "I don't want to be overlooked" or "I am scared and hiding in here" or "I don't want to deal with sex and romance" or "I am sensitive and need protection." Lots of things. Now when you change two big factors in a persons method of dealing with life -- first you take away the coping method of overeating, then you add the loss of the size, or in some cases, complete and rapid body shape makeover-- you are going to get changes in behavior, changes in emotional expressiveness, changes in emotional style, and differences in how a person interacts with the world and the people in it. Is this a bad thing? Well, sort of depends on what you are using the food and fat for in your life, what you aren't looking at inside your personality and behavior. This is one reason we need support groups and sometimes need to get into counseling -- to help us sort thru all the changes in our old coping patterns and learn more successful ways of doing the stuff we used to do with food or re claim what ever it is we have let the fat do for us. Taking control of your life back from the fat and ending dependence on eating behaviors can be pretty tough work. Now, you don't say if your friend is a hefty guy. Another thing I have found is that one's foodie friends have almost as much trouble dealing with our weight loss as we sometimes do. Our changing shape and changing behavior stirs up the same stuff for them -- what food does for them and what being fat does for them -- and they may not be willing to look at that stuff. It may be too painful for them to even try to deal with their stuff -- especially if we are having a hard time dealing with the loss of food as a coping mechanism. Then you get two people with "issues" rubbing each other raw in places that never even bumped together before -- not fun to have a relationship that suddenly has bruises and blisters when it used to be easy and comfortable. You see stuff like that mentioned on this site pretty often. Now, should you stay fat and continue eating in the same old way because a friend doesn't want to do the work of making your relationship adjust? Will you keep your favorite old flannel shirt when it is 20 sizes too big? Will you stay a caterpillar and never become a butterfly? That is what you have to decide. You might want to have a frank talk with your friend about this stuff. You might want to talk to a therapist about how to cope with these kinds of changes in your life. This surgery not only alters the way you process food -- it alters how you process your life. You have friends here on this site just waiting to be made. Love, Nan E. ( BMI 70, 386, 5'2", pre-op and waiting) ( oh yeah, Masters in counseling, registered intern with CA Board of Behavioral Sciences) that we are dealing with ----------------------------------------------------------------------

April 15, 2001

When I first read this question this morning, my response was " I

don't think there are any personality changes. " Then I thought a

little bit more, and recognized that there are certainly a number of

people who lose weight, and want to recapture part of their missed

youths, and can engage in some dramatically different behavior

(massive dating, flirting, casual sex, etc.).

But while I was at the gym this morning, I thought about it some more

after an episode with my husband. He was going to go to the gym with

me, but decided he didn't feel like it; and he didn't want to go for

a walk, and didn't feel like really leaving the house. To be honest,

this was not a huge problem for me 90 lbs. ago; but this morning, I

found myself annoyed. I can't say my personality is changing,

exactly, but my perceptions and my preferences are. Maybe that's the

same thing. I have so much more available to me that I want to do,

other than watch television, read, and eat. And I find that I am

less tolerant of my poor husband not feeling the same way. I am

thankful he is also pursuing the surgery to deal with his weight

problem. I don't like feeling the way I did this morning about the

man I adore, and who has loved me almost from the minute he met me.

I worry that if he does not lose weight, we could continue to drift

apart.

This is true with some of my other obese friends; a lot of the things

we enjoyed doing together I still enjoy. But there is so much else

available in my life for me, that I find myself spending less time

with them doing obese-friendly activities.

I don't think this answers your question, - but you have

certainly given me a great deal to think about and examine in my own

life.

Kate

April 15, 2001

Hey, Marcia-- Thanks for the complement. I am glad my meandering

thoghts are helpful to you. I am trying to remind myself of what I

am in for once the surgery " goes down " . When I lost on Optifast

about 10 years ago, I spent a lot of time being irritable and testy.

Giving up Cheetos has a decidedly detrimental effect on my behavior!

The group I was in at UCLA taught me a whole lot about how much in

denial we obese folks tend to be with regard to the way we use food

and fat to cope with life. I know the surgery will not change a

lifetime of coping habits. I have to do that.

One of the reasons I am willing to consider surgery now ( besides

painful knees, diabetes and high blood pressure) is the fact that I

have tried every therapy known to human kind in an effort to pull the

plug on my eating behaviors. I have not managed to end the poor

choices/ high calorie choices, and chronic over eating, despite most

of the time being able to identify the emotional cause of the

behavior within a reasonable time. It used to take me two weeks to

figure out what was making me eat, now I can identify that feeling in

two days, more or less. Some Ritter movie I saw a while back

had a line in it that was SOOO relevant! was an alcoholic who

had trashed his life, and was asking a shrink what made him drink.

The shirnk's response was " Stop drinking and you will find out. "

Well, this surgery seems to be the only way I will stop eating long

enough to finish doing the emotional work I need to do to finally

unplug the eating behaviors. It won't be pretty, or easy, but I have

to do it. My intellect has decided to finally take good care of my

physical body by exercising a little tough love on my emotional self.

Nan Earnheart

BMI 70

386 lbs. 5'2'USC- Dr. Anthone

awaiting word from Blue Cross on Panniculectomy (apron fat removal)

> Nan,

>

> What a profound reply to 's concerns. I'm sure you've addressed

the

> secret, and not so secret, fears of many of us pre-ops.Thank you

for helping

> to alleviate my fears.

> Marcia

>

April 15, 2001