's Question re: personality change

[Guest guest]

wrote in part:

"He said he did not want me to have this surgery,

because: "he likes me the way that I am, and that he

heard that after this surgery, ones personality

changes." Now to tell you the truth, I like that. he

was concerned for me as an individual and whatmy

personality might be like after the surgery. Cool."

Hi ! Over my considerable life (49 years, next Sunday, and to Joe Frost I am a kid) and during considerable efforts at weight loss on my own and in groups, I have indeed seen folks' personalities change during and after weight loss. Now, what I really think is happening isn't a true personality change, I think it is more like relationship changes. As one's reliance on food for comfort, numbing, and stuffing of feelings is reduced, all the emotions that the food used to "deal with" are right out there on the surface, not all disguised and hidden. That sort of change looks like personality change -- the "happy-go-lucky" type suddenly gets sullen and nasty because the anger that was always there can now be seen out in the open. It takes a while to learn to deal with all those feelings we stuff down with food and, consequently, our behavior changes.

Then, you have to consider how being fat molds how we interact with the world at large and with others. Not only are there things food does for us, but there are also things fat does for us -- hard as that might be to imagine.

Sometimes, being large is as significant as the food factor. Sometimes it is symbolic -- the fat says "I don't want to be overlooked" or "I am scared and hiding in here" or "I don't want to deal with sex and romance" or "I am sensitive and need protection." Lots of things. Now when you change two big factors in a persons method of dealing with life -- first you take away the coping method of overeating, then you add the loss of the size, or in some cases, complete and rapid body shape makeover-- you are going to get changes in behavior, changes in emotional expressiveness, changes in emotional style, and differences in how a person interacts with the world and the people in it.

Is this a bad thing? Well, sort of depends on what you are using the food and fat for in your life, what you aren't looking at inside your personality and behavior. This is one reason we need support groups and sometimes need to get into counseling -- to help us sort thru all the changes in our old coping patterns and learn more successful ways of doing the stuff we used to do with food or re claim what ever it is we have let the fat do for us. Taking control of your life back from the fat and ending dependence on eating behaviors can be pretty tough work.

Now, you don't say if your friend is a hefty guy. Another thing I have found is that one's foodie friends have almost as much trouble dealing with our weight loss as we sometimes do. Our changing shape and changing behavior stirs up the same stuff for them -- what food does for them and what being fat does for them -- and they may not be willing to look at that stuff. It may be too painful for them to even try to deal with their stuff -- especially if we are having a hard time dealing with the loss of food as a coping mechanism. Then you get two people with "issues" rubbing each other raw in places that never even bumped together before -- not fun to have a relationship that suddenly has bruises and blisters when it used to be easy and comfortable. You see stuff like that mentioned on this site pretty often.

Now, should you stay fat and continue eating in the same old way because a friend doesn't want to do the work of making your relationship adjust? Will you keep your favorite old flannel shirt when it is 20 sizes too big? Will you stay a caterpillar and never become a butterfly? That is what you have to decide. You might want to have a frank talk with your friend about this stuff. You might want to talk to a therapist about how to cope with these kinds of changes in your life. This surgery not only alters the way you process food -- it alters how you process your life.

You have friends here on this site just waiting to be made.

Love, Nan E. ( BMI 70, 386, 5'2", pre-op and waiting) ( oh yeah, Masters in counseling, registered intern with CA Board of Behavioral Sciences)

that we are dealing with