Re: Re: Robynn, how are you doing(for Pam)

[Guest guest]

Tamara, I respect your decisions and I do wish you

strength when the time comes for you to talk with your

son. Before having this surgery and furthermore prior

to finding this group, you would have never heard that

story. I am not the type to share things of that

nature with anyone. This place is a safe place and no

one is here to judge. I realize that unless you go

through something, its hard to help someone. The

things we go through in life qualifies us as a living

testimony. You will be fine when the time comes...I

trust that. Take care.

Pam Marsh

--- Tamara tamarakeller1@...> wrote:

> Pam, thank you so much for sharing your story. I

> know that things

> like this are extremely hard to talk about

> sometimes. I will tell my

> boy about his father, but I know right now he isn't

> ready to handle

> it. I have never ever spoken ill of this man,

> despite his violent

> tendencies, in front of my son. I know that we

> never had a

> relationship to speak of, and I do as my mother did.

> My father was a

> rotten, abusive, cheating son of a gun, and he never

> ever tried to

> care for us or help my mom out in raising the 4 of

> us by herself.

> And altough she had AMPLE ground to do so, she never

> ever spoke ill

> of him in front of us, telling us instead that he

> was our father and

> he loved us, even if he didn't show it. As adults,

> each of us has

> tried to establish a relationship with this man,

> only to be

> disappointed. We have all reached the same

> conclusion, that he is a

> cancer in our lives and isn't worth the heartache.

> My mom watched

> each of us do this, and even tried to comfort us

> when he hurt us

> emotionally agin. I swear, the woman is a saint!!!

> I only hope that

> I can be that strong for my son when he meets his

> father. Thanks

> again for sharing with me...Take Care, Tamara

>

> In

>

gastric-bypass-support-kaiser-patients ,

> Pamela A

> Marsh wrote:

> > Tamara, I do know from a different perspective the

> > type of damage that can be done when things go

> wrong

> > as they often do between a mother and father and

> > children are involved.

> >

> > One parent can somewhat dictate the relationship

> of

> > the child with the other parent. Unfortunately,

> my

> > mother had a very bad relationship with my dad.

> They

> > got married too young. My mother was 15 and my

> dad

> > was 17. My mother never forgave my dad for ending

> the

> > marriage and so she belittled him and talked so

> bad

> > about him. She planted the seed that my dad did

> not

> > love me and my sister or cared about us. She

> > instilled in us that we meant nothing to him

> because

> > he decided to marry another woman and help her

> raise

> > her son. She said that he did not help out

> > financially. I went from believing my dad was

> > superman to hating him. It got so bad for me as a

> > teenager (13) that I tried to commit suicide

> (pills).

> > Instead of my mother seeking professional help,

> she

> > told me that I was crazy and stupid just like my

> > father and his people. From then on, I closed

> myself

> > off into a corner and kept my feelings inside. As

> I

> > got older, and I moved away and started my own

> family,

> > I decided that I would never be like my mother. I

> > have a relationship with my father now but

> sometimes I

> > am sadden by the fact that I missed 36 years with

> my

> > dad. I have since found out, not through my dad,

> but

> > through my grandmother that my father tried to

> help

> > financially but my mother refused to take money

> from

> > him and she would not allow my dad to see us. I

> > remember getting a lot of spankings because

> someone

> > would see us talking to our dad and tell her and

> she

> > would spank us. Basically without putting all my

> > business on front street, I am saying that you owe

> it

> > to your child to tell him the truth and allow your

> > child to form their own thoughts about their dad.

> > Allow them to have a relationship if they chose to

> > with their dad. You are not losing your

> child...you

> > are teaching him or her how to stand on their own

> and

> > face adversity. I wish you luck with whatever you

> > decide. I am sure it is not a easy one but pray

> about

> > it and you will find strength. I hope something I

> > said helps. Big hug to you.

> >

> > Pam Marsh

> >

> > --- Robynn VanPatten wrote:

> >

> > > I think the letter is a good idea...and you may

> even

> > > want to make a cassette or MP3. Keep in mind

> that

> > > even though this man has been a disappointment

> to

> > > you, and may not be very nice...his blood runs

> > > through your son's veins, so you need to tread

> > > lightly. I know whereof I speak...and Pam can

> > > attest how awful it is to have your biological

> > > father trashed by your mother. It creates a lot

> of

> > > conflicts, and that's the last thing you want to

> > > happen for your son.

> > >

> > > Does he not know that he is not the biological

> son

> > > of your husband?

> > >

> > > I can understand why you want to make sure he

> can

> > > handle all of this emotionally, and why you want

> to

> > > wait. I'm not sure whether you should establish

> a

> > > particular point for your mother to wait

> > > for...perhaps you should let her know that it is

> > > your preference...but that if, God forbid,

> something

> > > should happen to you...perhaps he will NEED to

> know

> > > that he has a biological parent out there

> somewhere.

> > > Maybe you could write two: one for your son

> > > telling him how much you love him, and why you

> feel

> > > you need to protect him until he is a bit

> > > older...but letting him know that the

> information to

> > > contact his father will be made available to him

> > > upon his graduation...or upon whatever oint that

> he

> > > feels emotionally prepared to handle it.

> > >

> > > I don't know if the former ex is a criminal, or

> > > abusive...or if he is just a twit. But, is it

> > > possible that he may have matured over the

> years?

> > > Mellowed?

> > >

> > > Anyway, you are the mother, you know your

> son...you

> > > know this man. Just make sure you are looking

> > > through a fair lens, as opposed to one that is

> > > tainted by your own hurt feelings, you know?

> Good

> > > luck on that...but I think your instincts to at

> > > least write down everything you remember about

> his

> > > father...including good things...being a bit

> soft on

> > > the less good things (For example, " Your father

> was

> > > only __years old when we found out that I was

> > > pregnant. He just wasn't ready or able to

> become a

> > > dad. He may have changed over the years. I had

> > > strong feelings for him when I got pregnant, and

> I

> > > was very hurt when it became clear that I would

> be

> > > on my own. That's why I want you to always be

> very

> > > careful with birth control as you become

> sexually

> > > active in your life. The consequences of one

> night

> > > can last forever...and if you aren't ready to

> step

> > > up to your responsibilities...you will be

> hurting

> > > the woman you were with, and the child that you

> > > father, for the rest of their lives. Please

> > > know that I love you and I want the best for

> you.

> > > I was trying to protect you, I didn't want you

> to

>

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