Consumed...........

[Guest guest]

I'm freaking out today...full of anxeity. Every post today has been so

helpful and caused so much paranoia. God I hope I'm doing the right

thing.

Please don't hate me if I say this but I totally questioned myself at

the last meeting I had at Kaiser. I was like one of the smallest

people in there. I guess when I was waiting to get weighed some a few

ladies started talking to my mom (my support person) and they were

saying stuff like I look fine and how I even got into the program. I so

freaked out. When I say small I'm not physically small but I've become

a good con-artist. I'm 5'10 so I thank my height for making me look a

little bit more porportioned. Every thing I put is so calculated that

I hide EVERYTHING. So far no one seems to understand why I am doing

this. Which is flattering but it's really messing with my head.

I spend 8 hours at work just looking at before and after pictures on

obesity.com. I can't wait anymore...I've been consumed with all of

this 7 months now.

Agh....sorry to vent. And my poor boyfriend - it seems all I have to

talk about is this damn surgery. I just want it all over with....and I

totally blew it this week. I had probably the worse period of my life

this week to add to everything else going on in my head and broke my

diet. I am feeling so incredibly guilty and I have dinner plans that I

want to break tonight but I can't. More stuff to go on my guilt pile I

guess.

Azin :/